I don't know if this is because of my OCD... but my thoughts will force me to make irrational/dangerous/dumb decisions. I swim in chaos and enjoy drinking too much or smoking or doing drugs just to keep other things on my mind

I can relate. When im living a 'cleaner' lifestyle im more anxious and ocd then when im getting wasted all the time. Although there are exceptions to that trend..

yes I understand completely!

Unfortunately this is how you develop substance abuse issues which can compound upon other mental health issues. Anyway glad im not only one.

I'm actually high right now.. It always feels like I need some form of substance just to get through the day. It's exhausting

I dont judge. There have been times in my life when I was high oretry much 24/7. Othertimes less per day but still 7 days a week. Tried cutting back on everything this year to deal with ocd relapse. A lot of questionijg myself and values and goals these days because of it. Only managed to cut back for few months. Will probabky try again. I guess Ive been wondering "is it possible to live a "normal" life without substances". I dont know I dont want to be totally sober but I also dont want to feel dependant.

I feel the exact same way. I just keep switching between alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes... I've tried so hard to distract myself and get obsessed with things I enjoy (writing, reading, tv shows) which works for a few days at a time, but ultimately I always end up needing something

But obviously the cure for OCD is not to get away from the thoughts but instead go through them so if you're distracting yourself then it's not gonna do much rather than instigate your OCD

I have a fear Ill get over ocd (i have before) then ill just be depressed. So i might as well use substances. Its a triangle of issues that all feed into each other. If I stoo or succeed at one thing the other dominates. To be honest I have no idea what if feels like to not take a substance for more then a few days. For the last 20 years (more then half my life). Everytime I try to find out I wind up hating it.