I know any reassurance I get does not satisfy, it keeps coming back. Even if I think I have an answer, even if the answer is that I don’t have the answers and that’s okay, it does not last. The ocd will find a way to come back and make me question. But I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD still, I have gone through an eating disorder and severe malnourishment... and chemo. So I wouldn’t be surprised if my brain is just tired, exhausted, and trying to repair itself and my entire body. But even before all of that, I struggled with my brain. Someone would turn on a light switch, and my mind would be thrown completely off and I’d panic, if someone opened a door, my mind was thrown off, the color of the sky didn’t feel right, something didn’t feel right. And I spent hours to full days being thrown off and wondering why. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. And still to this day I don’t understand. I do not know if it’s OCD. My mind feels broken. I can’t concentrate and I can’t seem to focus on anything without feeling like I’m missing something and I have to figure something out and something is wrong. Not sure what the purpose of my writing this is, I guess I’m just processing some. If anyone has any thoughts, I’d love to hear:)

*Long post so apologies. I just wish someone can understand where I am coming from and share their thoughts / emotions or experiences* I have not been diagnosed by a professional about my mental health, but I am pretty sure I experience OCD and anxiety on a daily basis. It all started from being really sick when I was little .. A bug hit me that I had never dealt with before that had caused me to throw up profusely. After this, from since I can remember I am “scared” of germs. If I knew someone was sick, I would contaminate myself from them and avoid all contact. I used to bring my own cutlery to restaurants. I have to wash my hands and use hand sanitiser most of the time. If I start to feel a little bit ‘icky’ I would be on google search to find out if I had symptoms of the bug. It has become such a strain and I have really bad anxiety about the fact of not wanting to be sick. I avoid eating in low rated hygiene places and I have to double check that certain foods are cooked / prepared (ie: chicken) is cooked properly. ... My other OCD situation is a little bit different and I’m unsure as to why and what. I have intrusive thoughts in my head that range from: not wanting to drive in the fear of a car crash. ??? Or I get worried sick knowing that my family and/or partner are driving long distances in fear that I will lose them to an accident. I make sure that they message me during and after commuting so my mind is at ease. I also have a distressing time processing about my childhood; I was once sexually abused that still makes me feel sick to this day. But because of this ... I have had thoughts of sexual “exploration” with my sibling who has nothing to do with my abusive past????? Nothing has happened between me and my sibling of course .. but my OCD is creating false memories that I can’t seem to get rid off? It makes me feel so sick and that I can not live with myself because of this. I then try to flashback all the memories of my past to see if there is some truth about it but it just ends up making things worse ???? I’m just really struggling in my current relationship because of this as it’s not the most comfortable or normal thing to talk about. Any help would be highly appreciated as I feel like I’m losing my mind over it. Sorry for the long text, there is more to it but I just wanted some of you to get the brief understanding of things.

I’m confused. I don’t know how this is supposed to work. Can anyone relate to this??? I don’t have anyone who understands just what my ocd is. I barely understand it. No matter what I do and where, my thoughts hit me. I can be blinking the wrong way and I have to blink until it feels right.. same for swallowing, touching things, light switches and setting down cups. I have to sit and stand up multiple times until it feels right. Step on certain things like cracks in sidewalk as many times I feel is needed. Wash my hands multiple times. Even when texting, I can type out a whole paragraph and my mind tells me to delete it all and start again because it’s not right. When something isn’t right my mind tells me that someone I love is going to die or get hurt. And for some reason I obsess over certain days, like a day someone I love it born. I will sit there and flip a light switch with that date in my mind and a bad thought that something will happen and I can’t stop until I feel that person in my head is safe and everything is fine. In a way I feel that I am saving them and myself from something bad. Can anyone relate? And maybe share how you’re dealing with it all? Please and thank you.

I’ve only recently discovered that I have developed Health Concern OCD, Existential OCD and Somatic OCD. There’s a lot going on in my head all the time. In the past year, specifically the last few months, I’ve had the same recurring thoughts: -How were humans created to breathe? It’s crazy how our bodies can breathe on its own while we sleep. It’s not something anyone should ever think about yet I always think about the way I breathe, if I’m breathing enough, what if I randomly stop breathing or forget how to breathe? -I feel there is always something wrong with me. I have random sharp shooting pains in my chest, I experience heart palpitations frequently, I feel off balance almost every day. What if there’s something seriously wrong with me DESPITE all of the doctor’s visits, blood tests, EKGs and heart ultrasounds I’ve done in 2023 that all confirm I’m “healthy” and there is nothing wrong. What if I wake up and something is seriously wrong with me throughout the day and I come to find out I have a terminal illness? -Why do our bodies turn on us and make us sick? Why does illness strike unexpectedly? Why was I put on this earth? Where do we go and what happens when we die? What happens to our souls? Our soul is what makes us and our soul is a small little voice in our head and that voice is trusting the house (our bodies) it lives in to keep it safe and out of danger and to provide a long and healthy life/home for our soul. It’s exhausting having all of these thoughts on repeat every day. How do I make these thoughts stop!?