It’s my bday, and ocd is rampant

Hello everyone! Just wanted to see if I can get some encouragement, hope, and love from the community tonight. I have been having racing thoughts and for years I thought the loudest most repetitive one's were just GAD or denial. OCD is scary and I am trying to get back into my hobbies. I am just exhausted and sad.

this is probably kinda jumbled but over the past almost year or so i've slowly realized i have ocd (i'm diagnosed audhd but over time i started feeling like those alone didn't cover the whole issue yk?), and recently i've been kinda worried i guess. it’s just that i’m turning 21 in 6 months and i’m afraid that this disorder is going to rob me of joyful adult milestones in my life. honestly being 20 has sucked, i can’t even remember wtf being 18 was like, and my childhood in general wasn't the best either, but i've been struggling a lot as of late and i don't want how i feel now to be the same as how i feel next year. my meds have helped quiet my compulsions a significant amount (i literally felt like i was going kinda cray cray when i was off them 😭) but they’re not completely gone. sometimes it just seems like this is all it's ever gonna be forever and i’m always gonna feel ashamed of myself for just like… existing. my 21 year old self deserves to be happy but idk if i’ll be able to give that to her 🥲🥲🥲

I'm going through an ocd flare up. I'm in a pretty bad depressive episode and just got triggered so it's harder for me to cope. Can't really get out of bed so can't take my mind off it. It feels so real this time. But of course I'm not confessing and this has happened many times before so I'm choosing to stay uncertain and live with it. Just wanted to share with anyone because it all feels really heavy and my close ones already seem so fed up with me hahs. If anybody is going through the same thing just remember that you're not alone!