Is anyone else here on disability because of their mental illness? I am currently living with my parents and sister but have been offered an amazing 2 bedroom apartment for low-income and disabled individuals. I was on disability for years (2010-2015) then tried my hardest to go back to work, which I did for 4-5 years (2015-2019). I am now trying to reinstate my disability benefits but the social security office here continues to lose or misplace my paperwork and give me incorrect information regarding my case. They say my case is currently being reviewed and I should get more information in the beginning of August. I’m afraid the housing manager won’t be able to wait. :( I’m supremely disappointed and was just wondering if there was anyone out there who has been through a similar situation. I NEED to get out of this house!

I don’t know what I can do. I guess this is more of a depression thing than OCD but who knows. I have been battling this ongoing war within myself for years now and it’s been affecting my academic performance. situation of mine right now: I haven’t done a lot of work for my classes this month and I feel like I’m going to fail the semester again. I don’t know what it is but I can never seem to begin any work. I know I am capable but why can’t I get myself to start? why has this been going on for so long? I don’t understand. I have a history of good grades back in high school before I turned 17. I don’t even know how to describe it. it’s like I’ve been paralyzed and cannot do any work. but I can somehow do offside tasks like pinterest boards or random youtube videos. if I get rid of those, what do I do? I end up sleeping. because I’m tired. I have a low vitamin D deficiency & have been trying to get energy. I’m at a loss. I also bought unnecessary stuff on sunday when I went out with my family. I bought some things for the kids and I ended up buying myself a dress and a few accessories. now I have to work extra to gain that money back doing uber eats because I need it asap. it’s like I don’t want to work, for now. my coworkers who are around my age don’t work as much & I think to myself, “wow, they must be getting in the work done” meanwhile I’m working 3 days a week (which isn’t much) and attending school. I feel like if I change my schedule again, I’ll ruin it for the rest of my driver coworkers. I’m in a lead position at work so having to put on a mask is quite tiring. there’s so much I want to say that I don’t think it will fit in this post. I have booked a mental health session with a school counselor. all I want at the moment is to have my own place and be in a better mental state to take care of my cats. they mean a lot to me but this stupid ass undiagnosed mental issue is getting in the way. sorry for the long rant. I am tired.

I'm drowsy, which is a frequent problem in the motel room I live in, but I want to get something posted. I don't have the energy to post everything I need to say. I need someone who can help me navigate forms and processes to do several things, not all of which I'm going to post right now. I'm in an abusive relationship (not physically), and many agree, including The National Domestic Violence Hotline. They said I'm also being financially abused. I have no friends or family IRL, and I'm alone. For years, my only socializing has been giving servers my orders, paying cashiers, discussing services, and talking to my boyfriend (which usually doesn't go well, plus we mostly avoid conversation with each other, because it's best). I can't leave because of OCD, panic disorder, physical disabilities, and finances. I'm severely obese, which has caused a lot of difficulties. I get out of breath just reaching for some things and I deal with a lot of pain and discomfort. I can't walk stores. I often eat at one restaurant (I try to eat as healthy as I can there), but recently, I have to ask for a table closer to the bathroom. They often don't understand how difficult it is for me to walk from further away. I get exhausted and sweaty when using the bathroom and people stare at me. Once in awhile, people ask if I'm OK. I sometimes worry I will have to sit down before I get back to my table if it's not close enough. Using the bathroom takes me an embarrassingly long time, partially for physical reasons, partially because of OCD. I suffer from urge incontinence. I literally have to live my life around it. I've begged my boyfriend to order the much better-fitting, more comfortable, and more absorbent underwear I tried samples of, but he doesn't. The cheap underwear doesn't come in my size and is worse in every way. The OCD and panic disorder are insinuated in pretty much every part of my life, including the disabilities. No one gets it or understands. No one who can help me takes Medicare here. I get overwhelmed easily and my head gets foggy, and I don't have the energy or can't think right (racing thoughts) trying to call resources, and they sometimes rush me, cut me off, or seem impatient. Yes, I am on medication and have been for most of my life. I've been on many medications, and I have a very different opinion of them and the mental health system than when I was young. I'm 57 and I've been dealing with this since I was 10. I have severe dental problems and it affects how I eat, look, speak, and feel. It's humiliating. At the same time, what I eat in general affects my body in unpleasant ways sometimes. Soft foods aren't always the best, but I can't eat really hard foods. My boyfriend and I have lived in a motel room for about six years, plus bounced from hotels for awhile before that, after my boyfriend lost his house. It's hell. I'm not getting into what some label "politics." I have things I need help with regarding that. I could say SO much more, and there's so much I haven't gone into (like the abuse). I need someone who can help me, not just make me feel better because we talked. I need someone who can help me make changes.

Unfortunately, I have been a Care/Case Manager. Although I struggle in school and was directed to become a Social Worker I selected something else. I did that because I did not have faith in SWs. Why, because everyone I had shadowed or worked with did not genuinely care about their work or actually the quality of their help, referrals or resources they were providing. I have care about all my past roles and work. Because my work ethics are purposeful. So I don't understand those who do things for ONLY A CHECK or to say I DID IT with no motivation to quality or outcome? That use to bother me. So I never wanted SW. I remember when my BFF wanted to go to college for nursing. She was so upset because she thought the work were going to be a step-by-step hand held guide. I said no. She said, you are pretty much reading and studying all this massive information and then tested in it! How do you know you are studying the correct details or information need for the test!? I said, you don't, you just have to makes sure you know and understand and can explain the list from your syllabus. " She said I'm paying to teach myself!? Yes, pretty much. Why do you think I had to have Tudors and I was always on campus still at midnight... She is a LSW now and grumbles like the rest of them. She feels it's all Mental Health and Addiction and does not get any purposeful fullment out of her work. That was what bothered me most about SWs. They loose the inspirational, motivated light in their eyes, their spirit to want to help, to encourage, to be involved to solve and resolve. Of course you don't always have all the answer, everyone can not always be help at each encounter and "the struggle must be a real to you as it is to those who really need your help." My point to ALL OF THIS. I have completed fallen through the cracks. And once again, dependant ONLY on me and my ability. I said to several CMs, SWs and Organization "need help," "211," "United Way," and "findhelp.com or org:" I suppose I have to literally be deaf, intellectually 75+% disable, mentally incapable of making decisions for myself. A certifiable suicide attempts, with active ideation, a master plan to do harm to self and others strategically planned. Also, histories of drug and alcohol abuse with a criminal historical background. In addition to absolute homeless, actively in critical mental and behavioral crisis to pass requirements to get help? You know what is most ironic about it ALL; ever program mission or vision has TO REDUCE HOMELESSNES, SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND MENTAL HEALTH??? Huh? I pretty much have to be all of thee above and actively shooting up, selling myself with abusive marks and malnutritional signs and symptoms to get help. Neurodivergent behavioral does not qualify. I literally overheard a volunteer say to her peers that her son has been diagnosed with ADHD they prescribed him Adderall and all is well now. She walked passed me as if my struggle is not real. Wow. I'm tired. Who was to go through this just to be needy and put out on the street. I don't like asking for help nor holding my hand out. I don't even like expressing "how does that make you feel..." It's obsolete and irrelevant to them genuinely. I can talk to myself ALL DAY LONG, I can ask myself while looking in a mirror and say, "Hey, how does that make you feel." Your feelings do not pay the bills, don't find you the appropriate network or connections for skills and work, and don't prevent homeless. Yes, I do believe in therapy and science, but I do not believe in the genuineness of all HC providers. Especially when you cannot help yourself in that moment and you actually need them. You should hear the statement that comes out of others mouth behind it all. Life is not funny... even when you must have a reason to laugh. While in college, a Preceptor said to us, "OH! Suicide patients burns me. I think they all show get on one island and off each other since they never complain the task." The blew my head off? Then later in life, my experience with it. Helped my understand in another prospective. But I'd never feel that way. Even though I now understand that statement I don't carry that harsh passion behind it. Some people are completed but it does not mean throw them away. It only means YOU can deal or function with it. So it's not them, it's you. Mental health and behavioral HC providers, this take a special individual, with a special kind and caring understanding heart and soul. Because you must not just genuinely care for others but also know how to balance caring for self as well as them. This is a critical balance. That is hard for most. Only the strong will survive some say, most will not sacrifice self. But pretend to GAF. I don't expect that you must sacrifice self, even in a selfless, sometimes unrewarding role. Sometimes, no thank yous, no great job, no recognition of your hard devoted effort. Sometimes not even they appreciation from that person you assisted in helping to land safely in thier crisis. Sometimes, the only reward is, today I did manage to save a life, help a desperate person, find a safe place for someone or got them the help that they needed that comes from only you. Sometimes, if I can just reach out and hold a person hand and genuinely say I'll do what I can ... and mean it. Follow up is very, very important. After, informing everyone I have received my notice to vacate, with no boxes, no movers, no help. It's been very quiet for 8 days now. Last four months, they all wanted life stories, events, all sorts of documentation. Once received, now what? I don't trust anyone but me... I must tell this story because it is significant here. I was a a telehealth group like NOCD during Covid. A guy was telling his story and saying to us that he was unable to trust himself. Those words impacted me so emotionally, I was sad, scared, empathetic toward him and I cried. Didn't expect myself to feel that way. I realized that I would absolutely be lost if I did not trust me. Have the most wonderful rest of you day. And give yourself some grace and smile.