Hocd has messed up my ability to rationally think anything. Everything I do, say, talk, wear, every single thing my mind goes to the conclusion that I’m gay. When I see a woman I find attractive, my mind says I’m lying and I’m forcing my attraction where as before my attraction and desire for woman was so clear and natural, it felt so right. My thinking is messed up, even when I’m getting aroused my mind goes to the image and the thought that I’m getting aroused by men and I just get so upset. This is so tiring.

This shit has to be one of the most confusing subtypes of ocd because no matter what you will never find clarity. When it started it wasn’t as bad and confusing because it was mostly anxiety. But when it started getting physical that’s when it got extremely confusing because I feel tension and fear when thinking of gay stuff but while testing I get arousal sensations so the big question is “if I am afraid of it how can my body respond as if I’m into it and if I’m into it how does my body respond with fear as if I’m not” and it’s endless. I wish I never started testing my arousal so I never started getting groinals to gay stuff in the first place. But there’s no going back now.

I feel like I'm lying to myself, like I just don't accept that I'm gay, I don't want to be gay, I don't want to feel any kind of attraction anymore, I want to go to a psychologist to find out if I really have hocd or if it's just an excuse, because it feels like I really am gay, but nothing was authentic, it all started with thoughts that made me panic extremely hard and I felt like crying and I had delusions, I don't understand why this is happening to me, I didn't like any boys before the thoughts appeared, but exactly one day after they appeared, all the boys were attractive, of all ages, I want to recover :( I'm only 17 years old, for about 2 months I've been having thoughts, I don't know what to do, I can't go to a psychologist, I need help :(

I really need help understanding what I’m going through. For a long time now, I’ve been struggling with thoughts and feelings about women that confuse and scare me. Sometimes I feel this strange emotional or mental ‘pull’ toward certain women — it’s not exactly sexual, and not clearly romantic either, but it feels like something, and it triggers deep anxiety. When I see a beautiful woman or a WLW (woman-loving-woman) couple, I feel something that I can’t explain — sometimes I think it’s just admiration or aesthetic appreciation, but OCD keeps telling me: “You felt something, so you must be gay,” or “You’re hiding something.” I get stuck in endless loops, trying to analyze these moments and label them. Even when I feel physical or emotional reactions, they don’t feel natural or aligned with who I am. They feel like a reaction to the idea of women, not real attraction. I try to be honest with myself — I even told a friend I might be bisexual at some point, just to test if that felt more comfortable. But it didn’t. It made things worse, and I felt like I lost touch with who I am. I don’t want to lie to myself or live in denial, but I’m exhausted. It feels like I’m being mentally forced to feel something that isn’t mine. I’m 14, and I understand that things might still be developing, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve always been drawn to men, and never naturally wanted women that way. Still, I keep doubting everything. Is this real attraction or OCD feeding false feelings and thoughts? Can OCD create emotional or mental sensations that feel like desire? I’m so scared that I’ll lose myself, or find out something I never wanted. I just want peace and to feel like myself again.