my ocd is a lot better these days but sometimes i think about what would happen if it got worse (which hasn't happened yet) and it makes me so anxious i can't sleep and i get shakey and it's so unnecessary of me to stress like that but i keep getting scared that i'll be that bad again..
when i first was diagnosed with OCD i noticed my OCD “changed” in a way. my therapist told me OCD goes through phases sometimes depending on the type of OCD. sometimes you can be doing really good and not act on things as often but then the next day it’ll be back. i went from washing my hands 5-6 times an hour to only doing it after i went to the bathroom and thought my OCD had gotten better and was “gone” and then it kinda went back but not as bad. i think it’s all part of healing but it scares me too so i understand how you feel. not knowing what tomorrow can bring.
Like I'm not even scared I feel numb and ever since that night I've completely went down hill Idk what to do the feeling i felt this time genuily felt like i liked it and i didnt even have anxiety at that moment and now I'm panicking I really hope this is still OCD like I'm sorry if I'm still asking for reassurance but im really worried like it felt good in that moment I don't understand what's going on like I hope it was a false feeling and not something real.....like this has happened before but Idk 😭😭😭😭 I really don't know what to I don't want to turn into a p word I don't this I've been sleeping all day I still do compulsions a little to get rid of the thoughts but I've been getting sexual thoughts too and I don't want them but I feel like I do I don't understand I though I was getting better but I guess every time I get better everything gets worse..
My OCD has never been this strong, it's so real, it feels like it will never go away, it's never been this strong for me and it's very scary.
These past few days I was fine. Minimal intrusive thoughts ,no anxiety etc(to add I'm on medication so maybe it's starting to work although it barely is 2 weeks) and today I got a sudden wave of anxiety and it started latching on some thoughts like" what if I'm in denial and I wanna break up with my bf? And what if erp doesn't work for me because I actually wanna break up with my bf?" But they didn't really stay long usually those thoughts would make me spiral for days or so, now they lasted for some hours. And now I'm trying to trigger myself into being anxious again because if I don't it means I don't have ocd and if I don't have ocd it means I don't love my bf and if I don't love my bf it means I have to break up. Idk if it makes sense but the lack of anxiety makes me wonder if I actually have ocd or not.
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