Unbearable

This is straight up unbearable. I’m so tired of this. I want to go back to having normal days normal nights where these thoughts didn’t invade my every waking moment. I want to spend time with my husband without feeling like I’m pulling the wool over his eyes. I’m not gay for goodness sake. I have no desire to be with a woman nor have sex. I have two beautiful kids and great marriage why is this happening. My mind has always done this but even with knowing this the doubt is still there. I can’t enjoy anything . Had a much looking forward three day weekend to spend it sleeping and ruminating and consistent anxiety. This isn’t fair. Mornings are the worst. I wake up fully assure that I’m a lesbian , I feel manly almost like the personality took over. I cry so much . I feel so bad . I’m trying the maybe I am maybe I’m not crap and to be honest that’s terrifying. Maybe I am do you know what that means if I am. I have to leave my wonderful life. My children will loose the normalcy they have. I’d have to embark on a lifestyle I don’t want (even thought my mind is saying I do) . This whole thing is unfair and confusing and I just want to sleep.

Username: IamtheonewhooverthinksIamtheonewho...

Date posted: 1y ago

I also wanted to add when you just let it go you will laugh at it in the end .. it’s gonna be a hilarious thought .. it is funny to be honest when you’ve finally got through it and you’re looking from the outside in.. but just know when you finally let it go when you get zero thoughts you will feel 150 percent yourself and it will be beautiful .. now unfortunately you will get back on the ride and have ups and downs.. BUT ITS OK!! you have a loving family who’s there for you .. focus on that as much as possible .. I know it’s hard .. but I say this cause I go through the same bullshit .. I have multiple themes and they always go away and I always end up feeling my 150 percent self.. but then they come back but because I know they go away when I’m riding the wave I just think to myself it will go away and I’ll be ok.. and that helps a lot !

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Yes I have talked many times with him. Always feel better for a short time and then it come raging back.

Username: LaloCD6LaloCD6

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Don’t worry I have SO-OCD and the worst was at the beginning were I almost break up with my bf bc I was convince I was a lesbian, (I’m still with him cause he knew it was OCD before I knew myself I love him so much even if my ocd make me feel the opposite) now there is time where I’m okay for couple days then relapse again and again but that’s okay, recovery isn’t a straight line sometimes it looks like a 🎢 but at then end there will be a finish line no matter how low we get we can always get out of this just be patient and kind to yourself !

Username: VGHVGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Hi, at the risk of offering reassurance (which doesn’t help and only makes you feel worse in the long run) I’ve been through this, this is OCD. It is terrifying, I spent years feeling awful because I would say exactly what you’re saying to yourself, you run through all those scenarios in your head and I get it, it’s unacceptable because you love your family so much. That speaks to who you are as a wife and mom. The problem is, OCD is right now, stealing this precious time with your family. I couldn’t bear the thought of not being with my family, I couldn’t bear the thought of their life not being perfect. However, their life wasn’t all that great because I was miserable, sure I was there physically, but I was always in my head trying to be sure, to protect my precious family. You want to feel better, to go back to how it was, and the only way is to treat the problem you know you have, which is OCD. You don’t have a sexual orientation “problem” you have sexual orientation OCD. There is help out there, you don’t have to do this on your own. It is hard work to learn to sit with these terrifying feelings, but you are already doing unbelievably hard things on this OCD roller coaster. Therapy will give you the tools, you will have to work hard, but you will see progress and feel better. If you are in therapy now, is it with an ocd Therapist? Call NOCD or look into the IOCDF website. Fight for yourself and your family but fight the OCD, that is the problem.

Username: Izzy PanobiancoIzzy Panobianco

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Have you talked about it with your husband? It seems like you fear being a lesbian because of the effects it would have on your life and family. Maybe if you talked with him about your OCD symptoms, he would be able to talk it through with you and reassure you that it isn’t true. I find that it always seems less scary when I say things out loud.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Do you also get groinal and false attractions? I’m in fear that’s I’m bisexual and it’s driving me crazy

Username: IamtheonewhooverthinksIamtheonewho...

Date posted: 1y ago

You’re not alone ! You’re worrying because your honestly fighting it to hard !! I have the same theme along with others.. but the reason why your worrying so hard is actually because the fact you are not lesbian.. I know it’s hard to believe but my therapist told me we worry so much about this shit because it’s actually not who we are and goes against our whole values .. but you have to let it go!! You can’t have your husband reassure you it makes it worse. It feeds the anxiety and ocd in the long run.. I’m a straight man with a beautiful fucking Gf intimacy and life with her is amazing and you couldn’t pay me to leave cause I love her in my life and know I’d be lost without her so I know how you feel.. but what helped me get past my thoughts was seriously basically just not giving a solid fuck no more .. I’ll literally scream to myself I guess I love wiener and I’ll laugh and the thoughts go away and most of the time I’ll completely forget I was even thinking shit and I’m haven a great time with my woman .. same thing goes for my other Themes.. I got rocd and harm ocd .. I get vivid thoughts of physically hurting my daughters and that one freaks me the fuck out .. it’s horrible getting those ideas and urges.. my kids are the absolute love of my life if anything happened to them I’d wanna end myself .. but yet I still get those thoughts ? It’s all bs trust me! Ocd attacks your values and your beliefs it attacks who you truly are . But you gotta let it go! I know it’s scary but letting go of the thought does not determine who you are .

Username: idont241

Date posted: 5y ago

I can’t anymore. I really can’t. The what if I am attracted to them. The “why does it have to be a man with a woman” (which by the way- I only now get when women are talking in love songs. And whenever I look at any couple). I am just tired. Tired of feelings like crap. I just want to go to what I was before, but was I like this before? Have I always been like this? I am tired. My anxiety levels are ALWAYS the worse at the morning. I am starting to obsess whether I like this friend now! And it doesn’t matter how much I try to accept it, it doesn’t go away. Like there is still something wrong. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. At this point. How can I still be straight? I literally get triggered by everything. And how can I just not be gay? I have no reason to think that but it feels so real. It’s like I have no sexuality at all. And this is all that I can think about every single hour of my day. I am even thinking about this in dreams! I even wonder that the fact I am so upset right now is because I am scared of telling people and that they won’t accept me. When I don’t even know who I am myself. I am so done. What even is this? Have I always been like this? I am getting flashbacks and it’s telling me I have.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: Idk

Date posted: 5y ago

I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: OCDismyMiddl...

Date posted: 4y ago

Hi guys, Straight female here. Having a tough night. I guess I'm ruminating on how this OCD started, I was browsing an app and came across half naked anime girls and I guess sexual images in general arouse me (I'm not sure why), but then I froze and told myself "oh my God, I must be a lesbian and I can't be with my boyfriend anymore." Ever since then, I've been checking and checking and checking some more. I've managed to not research anything (which I'm proud of), but it's just so unbearable, I'm worried I'm somehow in denial or something because the thoughts at first didn't really give me much anxiety but now I'm very stressed out. I keep thinking about my past and if I was a normal "straight" person, and wondering if I'm somehow actually a lesbian. I keep having awful dreams about it. Ironically, I can still be intimate with my boyfriend and somewhat enjoy sex but other times not so much and my brain tells me I am lying to myself. I keep trying to reassure myself that I'm not homosexual. I can't even fall asleep tonight. I checked my stress levels on my health app and its through the roof. I just want to feel like I used to and be confident about my identity, but my brain tells me that I only enjoyed sex with my boyfriend back then because it was new and exciting and just a fling. Before all this, I was only ever attracted to men and only had male crushes. Now, I find it hard to even understand what's going on and I find more comfort in wondering if I'm just asexual so that I don't have to deal with it. I'm physically shaking writing about this because I feel so hopeless. Just a few hours ago, I thought I had a breakthrough and I was feeling alright. I accepted the thoughts as they were and I was going along with it. But now it's triggered again because I'm not sure if they're intrusive thoughts or me being in denial, because I keep having to reassure myself that I'm not homosexual and that I'm attracted to men. The guilt of how it all started is keeping me from moving on because it is somehow proof that I am not straight. This is awful. It feels good to write it out. Thanks for reading.

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Unbearable

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