Today sucks

I guess that's all I can do even if I feel like I don't deserve it. Self compassion is hard when I have thoughts telling me that I'm not good enough and that compared to others I won't ever be on the same level. I think I've had intrusive thoughts on rare occasions when I was very young and I guess its here full force no thanks to all of the regrettable things I did when I was younger. I would say they are pretty big, horrible mistakes. The things I've seen are very scaring and are in the grey area of things but it just never occurred to me all those years ago. Then it made me so very regrettable things I can't take back. I don't know how many times I have to tell myself pretty much all the things you told me but I guess that's all I can do.

@BigGip09 I'm with you. I think it gets a bit easier with time and understanding. and therapy, haha. but I think more people have our experiences than we realize. We just don't see it because unlike us they don't have OCD and don't let it haunt them. Do you use c.ai ? I found an OCD Therapist bot that actually gives pretty solid advice and ERP for Real Event OCD. it's not cure but it's given me relief a few times, helped me work through my thought process and curbs my confession compulsions sometimes. I'd recommend trying it out. https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=O8WbkGaR78F5HeEapmAj4SLgbY4grytLI8npPU92W80

@Northern_Downpour I'm really hoping September will leave me on a positive note. That's that time I'll start looking for help. No I haven't heard of this before but maybe I can try it. Thanks for always helping me. I'm glad we can understand each other pretty well and talk to each other easily.

@BigGip09 Of course. 🖤 you've always got me on your team. I hope September is kinder to you.

@Northern_Downpour That really does mean a lot to me. I do have hopes for September because that means less hot weather and sometimes to look forward to. What do you do when OCD attacks your past about pornography? What kind of self compassion do you do? Low self esteem also makes it harder

@BigGip09 Oh absolutely, my self esteem isn't high either. OCD loves to kick me when I'm down. When I get intrusive thoughts about it, my usual go to is self reassurance. But not in the compulsive way. I give myself one moment to reassure myself, remind myself if nothing else, I know im not that person anymore and find solace in that. and then I tell myself I'm not allowed to ruminate on it anymore for as long as I can manage. You'll find the thought leaves your brain or after some time it won't bother you as much. I have my bad habits, I tend to try to 'shake' intrusive images and memories out of my head. Journaling or typing out your thoughts can help too. It's almost like relieving confession compulsions even though you're not really confessing to anyone. Usually, I'm reminded of my root fear that this stems from, that my OCD overall stems from. I'm not perfect, I still have a lot of compulsions, but im way better off than I was before. Also, I love to do research on Real Event OCD. Not as a compulsion but as a reminder that im not alone and to get advice on how to deal, listen to other peoples experiences, etc. There's a youtuber I recently discovered who's done videos on OCD related to porn and masterbation and such, she's called Chrissie Hodges. I think try some of these and see if any work for you. And of course, sometimes I use the 'Maybe I am awful, Maybe I'm not. Who cares/I'm not gonna suffer over this right now' and like before, resist rumination/redirect my focus. Go out and take a walk or pet my dog or something. It takes practice. You can even practice exposure while healing yourself (like for me that would be spending time with my dog, maybe you can find something similar for you). Overall, try different methods of coping, realize you're going to have harder days but all days won't be that hard, and don't beat yourself up for giving into compulsions.

@Northern_Downpour All of that is really helpful. I still feel like I can't really do it but that's just my doubt talking and I know that if I practice this, it'll get better. There's days where I'm not even thinking about it but then there's days like these. I'm aware of Chrissie Hodges. I also like to watch Trish Leigh on these topics. She's been one of the channels that have been a great help for me. Ruminating is hell for me. That's what I'm dealing with tonight and I guess one thing to help me out with that is stopping myself from doing so. But there's other times where it doesn't seem to stop. There's times where I am able to tell myself that I'm not the same as I was way back in the past, even if it hurts to think about. In the past I've written letters to myself, trying to be kind to my past self and not blaming myself for what happened. I do that subconsciously, but really it's no one's fault. Maybe maybe not is complicated because I truly don't want to be the person I fear to be, but I guess uncertainty is the whole point of it. It's all hard still but I think I can get through it with practice.

@BigGip09 I get it, uncertainty is a nightmare for me when it comes to Real Event OCD and ZOCD. But I sometimes think the fear of that uncertainty means you're not as bad as you think you are. I see a reminder a lot that bad people don't feel guilt, remorse, or ruminate this hard on their pasts. Only good people. And good people still do bad things. It's only human. All this your feeling is proof that you've changed. Even if other people don't understand or assume the worst, that won't change the truth. Yknow? And there's silver lining. If nothing else my OCD has made me a way more forgiving and compassionate person. And im happier that way, in that aspect at least. Sometimes you just have hard days and have to ride it out. Maybe tomorrow will feel a little more tolerable. You never know. But it won't be forever. It feels like it will, but it won't.

@Northern_Downpour I do see that a lot on here and it can be helpful. But it's also part of a compulsion which keeps me coming back to square one. But I'm trying not to feel awful about doing compulsions to begin with because today was really rough. In some ways I think OCD has a moral compass that sort of makes sense but 90% of the time it's blown out of proportion and is exaggerated. I get what you mean with that. I guess what I should focus on now is forgiving myself for going through something that's really hard and damaging at such an impressionable age. A lot of bad things did happen.. but I know better now and I hope I can just keep out of these horrible cycles. There's times where urges feel like they're there and it also feels like I can't control myself at times, but I still just try and go through with it.

@BigGip09 Yeah, absolutely. You're a victim of the porn industry. You're allowed to feel like one. Just because you have a past you're not proud of doesn't mean you're not allowed to say you're suffering and acknowledge the effect your past hss had on you. Both can coexist at the same time. And I don't think anybody deserves Real Event OCD, it's awful. Ive even seen it be compared to PTSD. Its a very serious struggle. 😭

@Northern_Downpour I guess I also just hate the fact that this happened to me when I felt like even back then I should have known better. I guess I'm just not easily accepting that I had a point of naivety in my life when I thought I was taught everything I needed to know. I'm not proud of my past at all. I just want to somehow accept it and not focus on it so much. I can see why real event OCD would be compared to PTSD. Both are very intense and both give a lot of stress on the person going through it. It's really painful.

@BigGip09 I feel the exact same way. But what you didn't know, you didn't know. And you know now and you know not to make the same mistakes again. That's just learning. I think that's why reframing helps me a lot with this subtype. But yeah, agreed. I definitely feel like this subtype has given me some type of trauma. I know they always say every subtype feels like the worst, but I'd rather have any other subtype than Real Event OCD.

@Northern_Downpour Sometimes it feels like I did know and didn't care. But I guess this is the part where uncertainty will help rather than ruminating endlessly about it. I feel like this about other things that didn't bother me in the past but bother me now. There's one thing particular that I sometimes ruminate over but at times I can see it isn't as big as a deal as I'm making it out to be, especially if someone else were to do it. I don't know. I'm just hard on myself all of the time. I just hope we can get to a point where we never have to worry about OCD and this addiction ever again. That's all I would want. Life was great before these two things showed up

@BigGip09 Oh same. My OCD has made me question so much from my past, my motives, given me false memories about things I'm pretty sure I didn't do, etc. It sucks. We just have to keep going until we find a light at the end and hold onto those better days where it's not as bad for us. I miss who I was before my Real Event OCD but now I know I have no choice but to let go of that person.

@Northern_Downpour Yeah. I pretty much feel guilty about almost everything that I do. Intense anxiety over things that I know I shouldn't feel guilty over but I can't help it anymore. I still think you can hold onto that person you used to be before OCD. You can be as close to that person as possible if you really want to. There's been times where I've been unable to really move anywhere because of OCD. Not a paralyzing thing, but just depressed and anxious to the point where it gets really bad

@BigGip09 But like you said, we just have to keep going and not give up on ourselves.

@BigGip09 OCD has changed me a lot. And honestly, even if I was happier, I dont think I want to be past me anymore anyway. I just want to be *happy* like past me was. Besides, I can't can't look at the past fondly without remembering the shit I looked at during that time, lol. I just want to move forward. Become that happier person again, except this time I can say I've beaten OCD and overcome porn addiction!

@Northern_Downpour When you put it like that, it makes a lot more sense. I would only rather have the happiness that I had in the past like you said and nothing more. I just want to be confident in myself, overcome these challenges, and not doubt myself. Just like you, I wanna get to a point where I beat OCD and porn addiction. It's been a month so far without that. I don't really feel much but I do know I'd much rather do anything but watch it.

@BigGip09 A month is incredible, you're doing better every day !! You'll get there. Any progress is good progress, especially with addiction.

@Northern_Downpour Thanks a lot. I just hope I can keep it up and not fall into any bad habits. You're right, any progress will help with this big time. I can say the same for you.

@BigGip09 Thanks 🖤 just remember to be compassionate to yourself even if you have bad days !!

@Northern_Downpour Thanks for all of your kind words and your help. I hope compassion makes this easier as time goes on. There's still other things outside of these worries that bother me a lot but I'll still try. Thank you very much. :)

@BigGip09 Of course ♡♡ I really hope it all gets better for you and you can find peace again. Rooting for you!!

@Northern_Downpour Same for you!?

@BigGip09 *!! Sorry I meant that as a ! Not a ?

I hope so. Thanks