Suspected HOCD

Sharing my story as I don’t know how to go on/to see if others can relate… I have been suffering with these thoughts for almost 5 months now, triggered by a very specific event. For context, I have only ever had crushes on girls/girlfriends and never had any sort of attraction to men - the vision I had of my future was always with a beautiful wife and kids. I have never felt compelled to have these crushes/visions, they just came very naturally. With that said, a very very small part of me was curious to maybe try and have sex with a guy just once to see what it was like. I never expected this to actually happen but it did, 5 months ago. Long story short, it was an experience I really really didn’t like or enjoy (I left halfway through), and I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with a man again. However, ever since, I have had debilitating intrusive thoughts about being gay and actually liking the experience even though I know deep down it’s not for me. I now get really anxious around the same sex (especially people I do not know) for fear of some sort of false attraction to them and find myself ‘noticing’ them more, which is causing significant distress. On the flip side, I feel like my attraction towards girls has diminished, which is just as if not more distressing, as I always found my attractions to girls happened often and naturally (I.e. not forced in the slightest). It feels like my life has been completely taken over and it feels so lonely sometimes. Any form of intimacy with a girl now feels like a mountain to climb - I’m scared that if I’m not 100% attracted to a girl instantly or enjoy intimacy 100%, that must be proof that I’m not straight. A lot of my time now is spent checking my previous sexual encounters for ‘proof’ that I’m straight but I have a crippling fear that I’m lying to myself and all the genuine attraction I have felt towards women must be a lie. Even though deep down I know I am straight, the thoughts feel so real and convincing. They seem to attack all the values/genuine visions of my life that I have, and I just want to return to being as carefree as I was before this whole thing.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: LaloCD6LaloCD6

Date posted: 1y ago

Dw I know what you are going through !!! As a woman I experienced once with a woman and didn’t like it but with OCD it’s like if I’m lying to myself ect this is so exhausting

Username: evilsnail999evilsnail999

Date posted: 1y ago

@LaloCD6 I know what you mean, especially about the exhaustion. We will get there eventually, but we have got to try and trust our instincts

Username: Mr. Solo DoloMr. Solo Dolo

Date posted: 1y ago

My experience is also different, but I know how you feel. Although, I feel as though I’ve always had a degree of HOCD which I didn’t know was OCD, recently it flared up in the last few months. I was on a vacation with family, and I was getting intrusive thoughts pretty badly for some reason. Then I ended up doing mushrooms. While I was on mushrooms, I said out loud, “I think I might be into men…” And the room just was silent. Then I was like, “Haha just kidding.” A few days later I was thinking about that, but I was kinda just fine. Then a man approached me and started talking to me, and I had an intrusive though of kissing him, and I absolutely exploded. This made me think that what I said while I was on mushrooms was true and i started to spiral. Then, I started to gain a weird attraction towards men that I’ve never felt before (I’ve noticed attractive men before all of this, but what I had started feeling was new). Then I would go on to think and say things like, “I kinda wanna kiss him,” or “He’s hot,” or “He’s cuter/more attractive then her.” I’ve never before said or thought things like this, and that made me feel even worse. One of the things that bothers me the most is that, if I actually mean those/these things (aka, I actually do like men), and that I’m just trying to suppress it. It fucks with me everyday.

Username: evilsnail999evilsnail999

Date posted: 1y ago

@Mr. Solo Dolo I see what you mean and am sorry to hear how you’re feeling. Trying not to provide reassurance but the way I try and rationalise it in my head (often to no avail, however) is that the thoughts wouldn’t be so distressing if you weren’t straight. If you weren’t straight, you would actually enjoy the thoughts and see them as the true ‘you’ but just worry about being able to act on them.

Username: Mr. Solo DoloMr. Solo Dolo

Date posted: 1y ago

@evilsnail999 I thought about that too, but one time I got an intrusive thought that I said out loud. I saw this very attractive Japanese man in a video I was watching, and I was marvelled by how attractive he was. I don’t think admiring a mans’ looks makes me gay. But then I was randomly like, “I kinda wanna kiss him.” And for a second it didn’t bother me. But a few seconds later I was like, “Wait, wtf did I just say? That’s gay af.” And that has stuck with me ever since. It made me feel as though I meant it, but just didn’t wanna be seen as gay or something. It causes me so much turmoil. Over time, I’ve learned to just sit with the uncertainty, not know whether I meant it or not. But it haunts me like a ghost everyday pretty much.

Username: Sparker1289Sparker1289

Date posted: 1y ago

The feeling of wanting to kiss the man and other things was so overwhelming to me at one point...now it seems to have died down but the rumination remains. My goal is to figure this out before I enter into another relationship with whomever that be, if I even want a relationship. One of my most painful things is losing all attraction to my SO and dealing with these thoughts day in and day out while they look at me in love. This was my most recent experience.

Username: jddjdd

Date posted: 1y ago

@Sparker1289 It's weird how some have different feelings from this isn't it? I don't feel kiss urge but I do feel like I'm going to reach out and grab people or sexually touch them and I never really felt this in my formative years towards the same but people claim this is attraction...

Username: Sparker1289Sparker1289

Date posted: 1y ago

Man, super happy to read something like this as I feel very similar... Had a few experiences but never questioned a thing until the one day I did and BAM! 2 years later and 2 failed relationships with women...

Username: evilsnail999evilsnail999

Date posted: 1y ago

@Sparker1289 Sorry to hear you’ve had a similar experience. It’s tough isn’t it and it feels so real sometimes, but we’ll get through this!

Username: ElizMoElizMo

Date posted: 1y ago

My experience is not exactly the same, but I can really relate to your feelings. I had always felt secure in my heterosexuality, but at the same time accepting of the fact that my sexuality was fairly fluid/I could be attracted to other genders. And then suddenly I started feeling terrified by that uncertainty. In my case I think it was triggered by stressful events in my life/hormonal treatment for fertility. But the resulting panic/checking, etc. is very similar to what you describe. It's so disorienting to go from feeling open and curious (and fine with living that way!) to feeling disgusted/terrified/insecure, etc.

Username: evilsnail999evilsnail999

Date posted: 1y ago

@ElizMo Sorry to hear you experienced similar distress! Similarly to yourself, I was always very comfortable in my heterosexuality and never felt as if it was lacking in any way. Any curiosity I had felt as if it existed in a separate ‘box’ that I never really intended or wanted to open, knowing it didn’t reflect the person I know I am. I think I may have been able to just park the whole experience easily under “okay I know I don’t like that or want to do it again” had it not been for other things going on in my life (family illness, having moved abroad for a year on my own), which may have triggered my response. Like I said in the original post, I never felt any physical attraction to men beyond appreciation of “oh I could see why someone would find them attractive”, it was more the ‘taboo’ that was perhaps intriguing. It feels as though my mind is telling me that having ‘opened’ that box must be proof of something whereas in fact nothing has changed…I’m still a straight man who, if anything, had an experience which logically is proof that I am straight (ie having felt completely uncomfortable and knowing it’s not something I want to do - any lingering curiosity I may have had has been satisfied/quelled). My mind will seemingly just not let me be logical about it, which is where I guess the obsession/compulsions come in…

Username: Spayze

Date posted: 5y ago

Just thought I’d share my story so far with you all and maybe see if anyone’s had similar stuff :) I had been completely straight my whole life. I’m 18 now but had had multiple girlfriends who I was very much into. I was never into guys. I was very stressed for my exams and ended up going to see Bohemian Rhapsody with some friends to chill. After seeing heaps of gay-Esque things in the film the thought popped into my head “what if I’m gay or bi” and then that’s when it started. (This was 3 months ago) I then found myself unable to hang out with my guy friends because every time I saw them I would get anxious I was attracted to them. I moved past this but I’m still constantly having an internal reasoning battle with myself about wether or not I’m into men. I then noticed a huge lack in sex drive towards women as well which scared me because being into women was a huge part of me. I have never been aroused by or enjoyed thinking about men sexually or romantically though this is what the intrusive thoughts were. This leads me to my main point which is porn. I was a heavy porn user before the ocd and I was starting to find Normal straight porn not as good. I had been watching more kinky shit eg step sibling stuff etc. I have watched gay porn multiple times since the HOCD. **potential trigger/ graphic warning ahead** and had finished both times. It happened very quickly and I just felt terrible after. I tell myself that I finished because of just the pure taboo nature of it and it was what the ocd wanted me to do since whenever I’d tried to arouse myself to men in a non pornographic way nothing had ever worked. Also when I was watching I wasn’t particularly focused on like the men themselves like I would with women when I watched straight porn. It was all very traumatising and I have to keep stopping myself from checking again to see if my reaction changes :( I’ve been meditating a lot and I’m about to start ERP on here and with my psychologist (who diagnosed me with ocd) But yeah just was wondering if anyone had anything similar with the porn thing just so I can figure out if it’s denial or whatever :) I don’t think it’s a coincidence with timing either since this all happened during exams.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: hlm2

Date posted: 2y ago

Hocd

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: gp

Date posted: 1y ago

Looking for others similar - any thoughts?

I’m looking for others out there that might be similar to me. I was 25(m), infatuated with a new gf. I had a performance issue. Next morning I woke up with the FEELING that “you don’t feel anything for this girl”. And the anxiety that came with it. I felt sick to my core. Enter 3-6 months of obsessively figuring out why. It made no sense. I was infatuated with this girl, I was so happy, so confident, I could see such an awesome future with her. But once the feeling of “you feel nothing for her” stuck, I felt I had to break up. But why? During this 3-6 months it felt like I lost all positive feelings, like I could no longer be attracted to women (or anything). Nothing mattered except figuring out why I had lost feeling? I remember thinking it wasn’t fair that I’d been robbed of my ability to be happy and to love. Googling everything, asking friends etc. it consumed my every waking hour. During my obsessing, I had this random question - “are you actually gay?” Enter obsessively figuring out wether I was actually gay. I was 26. I had never even considered I was gay. I think I had crushes on girls, I certainly fantasised about them and was much more shy around them than guys. Put simply - I had never thought of a guy as anything other than a mate. This obsession changed to kind of “I FEEL gay”. It was/is like deep down I believe I am gay, despite never seemingly being attracted to guys before. I’m now 35 and this same obsession has been with me on and off. I’m now seeking treatment. Question - most of the online resources call out that ‘deep down’ you know you’re not gay. What if deep down there is a FEELING like you are? Can an obsession be a feeling? Can HOCD convince you that you ARE gay rather than just question? I’d love to hear anyone similar.

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Suspected HOCD

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