Suspected HOCD

Sharing my story as I don’t know how to go on/to see if others can relate… I have been suffering with these thoughts for almost 5 months now, triggered by a very specific event. For context, I have only ever had crushes on girls/girlfriends and never had any sort of attraction to men - the vision I had of my future was always with a beautiful wife and kids. I have never felt compelled to have these crushes/visions, they just came very naturally. With that said, a very very small part of me was curious to maybe try and have sex with a guy just once to see what it was like. I never expected this to actually happen but it did, 5 months ago. Long story short, it was an experience I really really didn’t like or enjoy (I left halfway through), and I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with a man again. However, ever since, I have had debilitating intrusive thoughts about being gay and actually liking the experience even though I know deep down it’s not for me. I now get really anxious around the same sex (especially people I do not know) for fear of some sort of false attraction to them and find myself ‘noticing’ them more, which is causing significant distress. On the flip side, I feel like my attraction towards girls has diminished, which is just as if not more distressing, as I always found my attractions to girls happened often and naturally (I.e. not forced in the slightest). It feels like my life has been completely taken over and it feels so lonely sometimes. Any form of intimacy with a girl now feels like a mountain to climb - I’m scared that if I’m not 100% attracted to a girl instantly or enjoy intimacy 100%, that must be proof that I’m not straight. A lot of my time now is spent checking my previous sexual encounters for ‘proof’ that I’m straight but I have a crippling fear that I’m lying to myself and all the genuine attraction I have felt towards women must be a lie. Even though deep down I know I am straight, the thoughts feel so real and convincing. They seem to attack all the values/genuine visions of my life that I have, and I just want to return to being as carefree as I was before this whole thing.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: LaloCD6LaloCD6

Date posted: 1y ago

Dw I know what you are going through !!! As a woman I experienced once with a woman and didn’t like it but with OCD it’s like if I’m lying to myself ect this is so exhausting

Username: evilsnail999evilsnail999

Date posted: 1y ago

@LaloCD6 I know what you mean, especially about the exhaustion. We will get there eventually, but we have got to try and trust our instincts

Username: Mr. Solo DoloMr. Solo Dolo

Date posted: 1y ago

My experience is also different, but I know how you feel. Although, I feel as though I’ve always had a degree of HOCD which I didn’t know was OCD, recently it flared up in the last few months. I was on a vacation with family, and I was getting intrusive thoughts pretty badly for some reason. Then I ended up doing mushrooms. While I was on mushrooms, I said out loud, “I think I might be into men…” And the room just was silent. Then I was like, “Haha just kidding.” A few days later I was thinking about that, but I was kinda just fine. Then a man approached me and started talking to me, and I had an intrusive though of kissing him, and I absolutely exploded. This made me think that what I said while I was on mushrooms was true and i started to spiral. Then, I started to gain a weird attraction towards men that I’ve never felt before (I’ve noticed attractive men before all of this, but what I had started feeling was new). Then I would go on to think and say things like, “I kinda wanna kiss him,” or “He’s hot,” or “He’s cuter/more attractive then her.” I’ve never before said or thought things like this, and that made me feel even worse. One of the things that bothers me the most is that, if I actually mean those/these things (aka, I actually do like men), and that I’m just trying to suppress it. It fucks with me everyday.

Username: evilsnail999evilsnail999

Date posted: 1y ago

@Mr. Solo Dolo I see what you mean and am sorry to hear how you’re feeling. Trying not to provide reassurance but the way I try and rationalise it in my head (often to no avail, however) is that the thoughts wouldn’t be so distressing if you weren’t straight. If you weren’t straight, you would actually enjoy the thoughts and see them as the true ‘you’ but just worry about being able to act on them.

Username: Mr. Solo DoloMr. Solo Dolo

Date posted: 1y ago

@evilsnail999 I thought about that too, but one time I got an intrusive thought that I said out loud. I saw this very attractive Japanese man in a video I was watching, and I was marvelled by how attractive he was. I don’t think admiring a mans’ looks makes me gay. But then I was randomly like, “I kinda wanna kiss him.” And for a second it didn’t bother me. But a few seconds later I was like, “Wait, wtf did I just say? That’s gay af.” And that has stuck with me ever since. It made me feel as though I meant it, but just didn’t wanna be seen as gay or something. It causes me so much turmoil. Over time, I’ve learned to just sit with the uncertainty, not know whether I meant it or not. But it haunts me like a ghost everyday pretty much.

Username: Sparker1289Sparker1289

Date posted: 1y ago

The feeling of wanting to kiss the man and other things was so overwhelming to me at one point...now it seems to have died down but the rumination remains. My goal is to figure this out before I enter into another relationship with whomever that be, if I even want a relationship. One of my most painful things is losing all attraction to my SO and dealing with these thoughts day in and day out while they look at me in love. This was my most recent experience.

Username: jddjdd

Date posted: 1y ago

@Sparker1289 It's weird how some have different feelings from this isn't it? I don't feel kiss urge but I do feel like I'm going to reach out and grab people or sexually touch them and I never really felt this in my formative years towards the same but people claim this is attraction...

Username: Sparker1289Sparker1289

Date posted: 1y ago

Man, super happy to read something like this as I feel very similar... Had a few experiences but never questioned a thing until the one day I did and BAM! 2 years later and 2 failed relationships with women...

Username: evilsnail999evilsnail999

Date posted: 1y ago

@Sparker1289 Sorry to hear you’ve had a similar experience. It’s tough isn’t it and it feels so real sometimes, but we’ll get through this!

Username: ElizMoElizMo

Date posted: 1y ago

My experience is not exactly the same, but I can really relate to your feelings. I had always felt secure in my heterosexuality, but at the same time accepting of the fact that my sexuality was fairly fluid/I could be attracted to other genders. And then suddenly I started feeling terrified by that uncertainty. In my case I think it was triggered by stressful events in my life/hormonal treatment for fertility. But the resulting panic/checking, etc. is very similar to what you describe. It's so disorienting to go from feeling open and curious (and fine with living that way!) to feeling disgusted/terrified/insecure, etc.

Username: evilsnail999evilsnail999

Date posted: 1y ago

@ElizMo Sorry to hear you experienced similar distress! Similarly to yourself, I was always very comfortable in my heterosexuality and never felt as if it was lacking in any way. Any curiosity I had felt as if it existed in a separate ‘box’ that I never really intended or wanted to open, knowing it didn’t reflect the person I know I am. I think I may have been able to just park the whole experience easily under “okay I know I don’t like that or want to do it again” had it not been for other things going on in my life (family illness, having moved abroad for a year on my own), which may have triggered my response. Like I said in the original post, I never felt any physical attraction to men beyond appreciation of “oh I could see why someone would find them attractive”, it was more the ‘taboo’ that was perhaps intriguing. It feels as though my mind is telling me that having ‘opened’ that box must be proof of something whereas in fact nothing has changed…I’m still a straight man who, if anything, had an experience which logically is proof that I am straight (ie having felt completely uncomfortable and knowing it’s not something I want to do - any lingering curiosity I may have had has been satisfied/quelled). My mind will seemingly just not let me be logical about it, which is where I guess the obsession/compulsions come in…

Username: AFord15

Date posted: 5y ago

Hello everyone. I was recently recommended this app by my therapist who I just started seeing for “HOCD”. I wanted to share my story and symptoms in the hopes that someone is going through the same thing and needs to hear it or can offer support. The onset for me was very recent, a month ago to be exact. I wasn’t in the best psychological state, I had a job offer for another company presented to me that I had the inclination to take but had a lot of anxiety and trepidation about. I spent days upon days worrying if I should take it or should I stay. Finally when I took it I was still in a funk and very indecisive and even regretful. One day thereafter I was watching a Video of an openly homosexual man doing a ABC news interview. To this day I’m not sure what caused it, but something about it caused me a lot of anxiety and I started thinking for some reason that I was gay. Now as a background, I live with my gf and we have been together 2 years. Our sex life the last couple months has been dormant to put it best and I had felt a detraction to wanting to make love. I found myself watching a lot of porn to get off which isn’t abnormal for me, it’s pretty regular. Once the symptoms kicked in I started panicking trying to force all the thoughts out of my head. That just amplified them and made it extreme. I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t work I couldn’t function. I googled everything under the sun and when I found out about OCD I instantly felt relieved. But then it came back, and I started to question myself even more. I go through the same mental loops over and over and over, constantly reassuring myself. Now, reading other people’s stories or even coming out stories they are so different From mine. Many people refer to past experiences or having thoughts of being with a guy sexually. I have never had those thoughts ever. I have been with a lot of women romantically and sexually and have never thought about another man, have never had the desire to be with a man in any way. This has caused me to rethink everything about myself and even times convinced me that I was living a lie. Fast forward to the day, I’m not sure what is going on or how to summarize all of this. I use to love watching sports listening to podcasts going to the gym and I do none of it anymore. I barely can keep my focus on the day to day especially when I try to work. It feels like my life is just trying to transform overnight and that it will never stop. I’ve reassured myself over and over and it’s like I can’t get out my own way. When I’m feeling good I’ll watch porn or fantasize about having sex with a woman and I’ll get hard. And still that’s not enough. It’s like I don’t even believe my reality anymore and my mind is trying to force me to be gay. I get headaches all the time especially in the morning. It’s like the first thought that pops in my head, “you’re gay”. I’ve been around many men in my life, even in my athletic days in college I mean you got half naked dudes in the locker room including myself-never in life have I ever had an intrusive thought or been attracted to any man. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not even sure how to classify this-I don’t know if it’s generalized anxiety, overthinking, depression or HOCD. Any suggestions , insight, or recommendation would help. I’d like to have a clear head and be myself and enjoy my life. I’m a good dude and I have nothing against anyone of any subscription-including homosexuals. I’ve been around guys or girls who are whether in the workplace or seeing on social media and it’s all love. I am 26 years old. Thanks.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: gp

Date posted: 1y ago

Looking for others similar - any thoughts?

I’m looking for others out there that might be similar to me. I was 25(m), infatuated with a new gf. I had a performance issue. Next morning I woke up with the FEELING that “you don’t feel anything for this girl”. And the anxiety that came with it. I felt sick to my core. Enter 3-6 months of obsessively figuring out why. It made no sense. I was infatuated with this girl, I was so happy, so confident, I could see such an awesome future with her. But once the feeling of “you feel nothing for her” stuck, I felt I had to break up. But why? During this 3-6 months it felt like I lost all positive feelings, like I could no longer be attracted to women (or anything). Nothing mattered except figuring out why I had lost feeling? I remember thinking it wasn’t fair that I’d been robbed of my ability to be happy and to love. Googling everything, asking friends etc. it consumed my every waking hour. During my obsessing, I had this random question - “are you actually gay?” Enter obsessively figuring out wether I was actually gay. I was 26. I had never even considered I was gay. I think I had crushes on girls, I certainly fantasised about them and was much more shy around them than guys. Put simply - I had never thought of a guy as anything other than a mate. This obsession changed to kind of “I FEEL gay”. It was/is like deep down I believe I am gay, despite never seemingly being attracted to guys before. I’m now 35 and this same obsession has been with me on and off. I’m now seeking treatment. Question - most of the online resources call out that ‘deep down’ you know you’re not gay. What if deep down there is a FEELING like you are? Can an obsession be a feeling? Can HOCD convince you that you ARE gay rather than just question? I’d love to hear anyone similar.

Username: Fr0ggy

Date posted: 1y ago

HOCD thoughts are tiring 😓

Before anyone reads this please be aware that this can be triggering and some 18+ content is mentioned on here. So I have been recently experiencing HOCD, been experiencing it for a few weeks now (it’s very new to me and something Ive never dealt with). My whole life I have never liked a girl nor have I ever had a crush or fell in love with a girl like I do with men. But just like everyone whenever people get into heat sometimes we watch things to pleasure ourselves. Well for me it’s always been lesbian love and have been doing that for years. There have been times where I go “am I bi” but then I would try to imagine myself with a women sexually and romantically and I would just cringe at the idea of it so I would just tell myself that I don’t and just carry on with my everyday life. But a few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about this and I explained to them that I am not bi because I would simply see lesbian love as something that I can relate to because of how women pleasure themselves can be relatable and because I said that my friend decides to make a comment saying ”idk maybe you are bi or not, you never know until you try” and for some reason that got in my head and for 2 weeks straight I was having non stop thoughts about my sexuality and trying to imagine myself with a girl and I would always cringe but there were times where it felt like “maybe I do want that” and I would panic again because I don’t want that and it’s not me but yet it feels like I’m lying to myself when I know deep down I’m straight. I also forgot to mention that I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and he’s literally everything to me. But during those two weeks I had lack of sleep and constant mental breakdowns because I don’t wanna be bi and I would panic whenever I felt calm and say things like ”it’s okay to be bi just be bi” it also didn’t help that so many of my friends were telling me that nothing is wrong with being bi and to not drop the idea fully. Like I know sexuality isn’t wrong but I want to drop the idea because I myself know deep down I’m straight but ofc my brain goes “nope you’re just tryna convince yourself”. It also ruins me enjoying my relationship because of these thoughts (as well as some ROCD thoughts). Idk I am just struggling with letting the thoughts in and trying not to analyze them or act on them. It’s very tiring 🥺 Like even rn I feel calm having these thoughts and it freaks me out a lil cause it makes me think that it’s true 😭

Sexual Orientation OCD

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Suspected HOCD

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