any resources on Real Event OCD? Basically my OCD will make me remember things I said in the past, that were sexual (innuendos, jokes, conversations, etc) and make me answer the question “did you cheat?” or will say “you are a cheater because you said X.” The only relief I have found has been from 1) confessing things I said/did or 2) checking the message or figuring it out. I can only stop my thoughts when I say “I have already confessed that.” Or “checked that.” Yesterday I had a meltdown because I thought of something else I said to one of my guy friends and hadn’t confessed it - I basically made my boyfriend read 90% of my messages to this guy because I was so afraid I had cheated. My boyfriend said it wasn’t a big deal despite all the sexual jokes / innuendos / conversations. I was clear with this guy that I wasn’t single and we were usually just joking about stuff or just talking about it. So my boyfriend said “I don’t really care” with an exception that we cleared up. So you’d think I could say “well I already told him about it” but my OCD keeps saying “but what if this thing you said + didn’t confess really is cheating, you meant to turn him on, you were asking about stuff, that’s inappropriate, he would definitely dump you for this...” and if I don’t fix it, it threatens me with “you’re going to worry about this forever, you did something wrong and didn’t confess it, it must really be cheating if you don’t confess it because you’re keeping it a secret...” I am suffering so much ): I will take any advice at this point. I have been seeing a OCD therapist for about 3 months but can’t let go of this.

FernandoV

Date posted: 5y

Sorry to hear you are going through all of that. However it sounds like you are, at this moment, a bundle of compulsions. Checking, answering and confessing are wood and air added to the fire of your OCD. At this point you probably feel worse. That's what happens with compulsions, they are like drug to seek relief. I am surprised that your therapist is not aware of all your unhealthy behaviours. --- What to do now? Cut them all - as fast as you can. No more mental checking, reviewing, ruminating, confessing, giving your phone to your boyfriend,etc. I know it does not sound like the honest thing to do but it is the healthiest one.

FernandoV

Date posted: 5y

I understand, but if it's not getting better is probably due to unnoticed mental compulsions. From the content of your post I can tell that you are still taking these feelings pretty seriously, like they are true. I know they feel real but you need to treat them the same way you would treat an allergy, it sucks but you need to go on with your life. --- For the longest time my thoughts accused me of being a perverted sexual evil monster. Can you imagine the level of pain I had with my little daughter? I considered death too. However I learned to live with the feelings of "being all of that" and still act according to my values. So I did it for almost six months and very slowly I regained control. I don't know you at all but just through your obsession I CAN tell 2 things - 1) That you are an extremely loyal person since cheating seems to hold no possibility of redemption (Which is a sign of perfectionism). 2) That your perception and believes about "cheating" and "cheaters" are waaaay distorted, to the point that you would prefer death to the possibility of being one. Again, not saying you are one, just saying that if you changed your perceptions about it you would suffer less.

tiburmon

Date posted: 5y

Owiie :( I agree it's tough when your OCD is targeting your core values - I guess for you, it's staying faithful to your bf. It just means you value these things, and your mind is going overboard trying to make sure you are in alignment with your values. But the problem with trying to check what you said and trying to "confess your sins" to your bf is that these are also compulsions and do not help you recover. A therapist online said that if you're doubting something, you don't analyze/prove/disprove it otherwise it gets worse. So if your mind slaps you with "You're cheating and you just can't admit it, no?" You respond with something that doesn't prove/disprove/analyze that question. Like, "I don't know, and I don't have to know". It is really distressing, but do this enough and eventually your body gets used to that distress and the dount loses its power. Also, I'm not sure if this may help, but I like to think of OCD as some prosecutor who will do anything (even fabricate evidence) to prove you are guilty (of whatever obsession you have). You are also your own lawyer, and you defend yourself by not responding to the their accusations. OTOH, the judge is shifty and is someone who can't make his mind up about the verdict because of the OCD prosecutor.

zealous4life

Date posted: 5y

i haven’t done any compulsions recently - these are all things I did in the past, I haven’t confessed this “new” thing to my boyfriend. However no matter how many times I say “no” to this, the thought that I did something wrong still persists. I want to say what I said to get opinions as to if I should say something to my boyfriend but I bet that will not go well here. My belief is that I “did something wrong.” And no matter how long I didn’t check, no matter how long I don’t ruminate or confess, I STILL get thoughts that I am a cheater, or specific things that I said come into my mind, and I think that I have to prove that I am not a cheater, or that I didn’t cheat. I try not to prove anything, and for the most part I can’t, because the only solution to the question is to confess what I did or said, but everyone around me told me to stop that, so I haven’t. But having these thoughts literally 24/7 has literally extinguished my hope, despite all my efforts to cut compulsions. The only relief I could get seems to be from dying. I would probably go to hell but it seems as if I am already there.

zealous4life

Date posted: 5y

if I would have just decided to cheat, and knew I was one, I wouldn’t want to die, but I feel like death would be the only relief from these constant questioning thoughts about my faithfulness. They constantly threaten me with “you will always worry about this,” and “you will never be able to prove that you are not a cheater,” or “you are a cheater in denial,” and finally “you will always be living a lie,” because the proof that I did or didn’t cheat will always elude me as long as I can’t ask anyone about it. I was severely traumatized by a yearlong affair my ex had during my relationship. To me there is no greater pain that could be done to me by my partner, ergo that would be the worst thing I could do to mine. You don’t have to retort to calling me a perfectionist because I hold my beliefs in high esteem. My thoughts are NOT distorted and you are gaslighting me by suggesting that. I am a perfectly logical person dealing with the very real problem that I can’t determine my faithfulness. I would never accept the possibility that I hurt the love of my life in this way. It is morally wrong to accept that I would do something like that to him - that I would mean something bad. And I just want proof that I didn’t do something bad, and the only proof I can get is by confessing, but no one explains to me WHY that is bad, all they say is “you have ocd,” (basically “you are crazy”) and I am just left to suffer alone, so yes I want to die because I am ALONE not because I am a cheater

FernandoV

Date posted: 5y

I think you completely missed the tone of my post - it was supposed to be helpful to you. Wish you the best.

Hyades

Date posted: 22w

OCD Teaming Up With A Real Life Bad Experience.. Help?

So, I know my capacity to get fixated on things. And it's normally something that's relatively remote but, my latest issue is really getting to me and I was wondering if people have any advice. I'm avoiding getting too into specifics, as I don't want this to get reassurance-y but, in essence.. I came to the realisation recently that people who I'd been "friends" (feels like the wrong term now) when I was younger were not very nice people, and normalized a lot of very unpleasant behaviour towards other members of the group. They really normalized it, sold themselves as figures of authority, as older and more responsible and grown-up than others, and looking back, they acted horribly. And coming to this realisation, that I'd been manipulated into just accepting their behaviour has just... broken me. My OCD has latched onto it and I can't stop feeling irreversibly tainted by it. I've talked to others about it, and they've reassured me, told me it's not a big deal and that I hold myself to too high a standard, but none of that sticks. I feel better for a bit, then think 'Maybe when you told them you were skewing it to make yourself look better' or 'Did you leave out a crucial detail'. I keep ruminating over and over, trying to remember exactly how everything played out, trying to figure out if I fed into the behaviour, if I did something bad myself (because y'know, I feel like I was accepting of it at the time, so what does it say about my own values?). I know I need to stop doing all this if I want to improve, but then some part of me keeps saying 'So, you're just going to let yourself off the hook then?' Normally, I can rationalize my own fears to some degree, assure myself something won't happen, but the realness of the situation, and the fact I only came to understand the reality of it because the thought had been bothering me means it feels so much more all-encompassing. I know confessing in itself is a compulsion, but I keep feeling that if I'm not I'm somehow concealing what I 'really am' from others around me, and any positive interactions are me deceiving them in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy anything in life right now, and a good part of me feels I should not enjoy it ever again. If anybody has any advice on it, I'm all ears. Or even hearing if you relate to these feelings, I might appreciate the solidarity at least.

misereri

Date posted: 21w

Someone to talk to?please?

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?

OoOcCdD66

Date posted: 18w

R-OCD...cheating fears

Currently I have several different OCD fears that pop up throughout the week depending on the situation. I've noticed a commonality between all of them are the fears relating to memory/false memory. Today is the ROCD struggle I've been dealing with. I know OCD has been trying this on me lately because of how much I love my spouse. They are my absolute best friend and she's my world. I value our marriage and friendship more than anything. OCD has latched onto one specific female coworker. And I don't even know why because even if I were single I wouldn't be into her. Even still, OCD makes me think I've cheated on my wife every time I'm alone with this coworker at work. Always starts as a what if, followed by imagery, followed by feelings that I must've actually done something and can't remember it. Usually fearing I've kissed her. It hurts because I know I'd never do that to my wife and I love her so much...the idea of losing her kills me, especially if it were the result of something I did. Just wanted to vent. Feel free to share your experiences or vents as well

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