- Username
- zealous4life
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Sorry to hear you are going through all of that. However it sounds like you are, at this moment, a bundle of compulsions. Checking, answering and confessing are wood and air added to the fire of your OCD. At this point you probably feel worse. That's what happens with compulsions, they are like drug to seek relief. I am surprised that your therapist is not aware of all your unhealthy behaviours. --- What to do now? Cut them all - as fast as you can. No more mental checking, reviewing, ruminating, confessing, giving your phone to your boyfriend,etc. I know it does not sound like the honest thing to do but it is the healthiest one.
I understand, but if it's not getting better is probably due to unnoticed mental compulsions. From the content of your post I can tell that you are still taking these feelings pretty seriously, like they are true. I know they feel real but you need to treat them the same way you would treat an allergy, it sucks but you need to go on with your life. --- For the longest time my thoughts accused me of being a perverted sexual evil monster. Can you imagine the level of pain I had with my little daughter? I considered death too. However I learned to live with the feelings of "being all of that" and still act according to my values. So I did it for almost six months and very slowly I regained control. I don't know you at all but just through your obsession I CAN tell 2 things - 1) That you are an extremely loyal person since cheating seems to hold no possibility of redemption (Which is a sign of perfectionism). 2) That your perception and believes about "cheating" and "cheaters" are waaaay distorted, to the point that you would prefer death to the possibility of being one. Again, not saying you are one, just saying that if you changed your perceptions about it you would suffer less.
Owiie :( I agree it's tough when your OCD is targeting your core values - I guess for you, it's staying faithful to your bf. It just means you value these things, and your mind is going overboard trying to make sure you are in alignment with your values. But the problem with trying to check what you said and trying to "confess your sins" to your bf is that these are also compulsions and do not help you recover. A therapist online said that if you're doubting something, you don't analyze/prove/disprove it otherwise it gets worse. So if your mind slaps you with "You're cheating and you just can't admit it, no?" You respond with something that doesn't prove/disprove/analyze that question. Like, "I don't know, and I don't have to know". It is really distressing, but do this enough and eventually your body gets used to that distress and the dount loses its power. Also, I'm not sure if this may help, but I like to think of OCD as some prosecutor who will do anything (even fabricate evidence) to prove you are guilty (of whatever obsession you have). You are also your own lawyer, and you defend yourself by not responding to the their accusations. OTOH, the judge is shifty and is someone who can't make his mind up about the verdict because of the OCD prosecutor.
i haven’t done any compulsions recently - these are all things I did in the past, I haven’t confessed this “new” thing to my boyfriend. However no matter how many times I say “no” to this, the thought that I did something wrong still persists. I want to say what I said to get opinions as to if I should say something to my boyfriend but I bet that will not go well here. My belief is that I “did something wrong.” And no matter how long I didn’t check, no matter how long I don’t ruminate or confess, I STILL get thoughts that I am a cheater, or specific things that I said come into my mind, and I think that I have to prove that I am not a cheater, or that I didn’t cheat. I try not to prove anything, and for the most part I can’t, because the only solution to the question is to confess what I did or said, but everyone around me told me to stop that, so I haven’t. But having these thoughts literally 24/7 has literally extinguished my hope, despite all my efforts to cut compulsions. The only relief I could get seems to be from dying. I would probably go to hell but it seems as if I am already there.
if I would have just decided to cheat, and knew I was one, I wouldn’t want to die, but I feel like death would be the only relief from these constant questioning thoughts about my faithfulness. They constantly threaten me with “you will always worry about this,” and “you will never be able to prove that you are not a cheater,” or “you are a cheater in denial,” and finally “you will always be living a lie,” because the proof that I did or didn’t cheat will always elude me as long as I can’t ask anyone about it. I was severely traumatized by a yearlong affair my ex had during my relationship. To me there is no greater pain that could be done to me by my partner, ergo that would be the worst thing I could do to mine. You don’t have to retort to calling me a perfectionist because I hold my beliefs in high esteem. My thoughts are NOT distorted and you are gaslighting me by suggesting that. I am a perfectly logical person dealing with the very real problem that I can’t determine my faithfulness. I would never accept the possibility that I hurt the love of my life in this way. It is morally wrong to accept that I would do something like that to him - that I would mean something bad. And I just want proof that I didn’t do something bad, and the only proof I can get is by confessing, but no one explains to me WHY that is bad, all they say is “you have ocd,” (basically “you are crazy”) and I am just left to suffer alone, so yes I want to die because I am ALONE not because I am a cheater
I think you completely missed the tone of my post - it was supposed to be helpful to you. Wish you the best.
How do I get over real event/black out OCD? I got a memory of 1.5 years ago. I memory I hadn’t considered since my OCD began. I had recently gotten together with my boyfriend who I am still with. I went out drinking with some friends at their house by myself (stupid I know) I remember the night up until most of the end, when I was with my friend. We were alone briefly, outside. Then I blacked out and woke up in my bed and in my house and didn’t remember how I got home, but I knew my friend had something to do with it. I remember talking to my friend in the morning and he just thanked me for coming over and I thanked him for helping me get home and that was that. I felt guilty for blacking out but never considered that I did anything wrong in that period of time. But I have cheating OCD, so I was worried during the black out period if I did something with my friend to cheat on my bf? I got so paranoid and I didn’t have any memory of any kind of inappropriate behavior other than drinking. Especially because when I get really drunk I fall asleep and fully “black out” . Otherwise I have some flashes of memory here and there. I was also trying to replay the memory (I know it’s a compulsion) and I was starting to distort the memory so I called him. He had assured me I was just passing out from drinking too heavily and he ordered me an Uber home and that I probably fell asleep in the Uber which is why i fully blacked out on the ride home. And that the only time he and I were alone was when he was waiting for my Uber to get me. His story goes along with everything I remember too. Combine that with that I’ve never cheated, I am not attracted to my friend, and I always remember some sort of sexual contact I have with others even when drinking. There are flashes of memory here and there. And that there was no physical evidence left behind of anything. My body was fine the. Next memory, no stains no bruises. Nothing. None of that was present. I know that reaching out was a compulsion, but I had to because it was a real life event that had the potential to be immoral and I feel a duty to pay for any wrong doing I could have committed. I know uncertainty exists, and I will never get 100% certainty on anything. This is the closest I will get to evidence of me not being a cheater. But how can I move on from this? I don’t want to confess to anything I believe I haven’t done. It’s not in my memory, witness testimony, or in my character. I’m just not a cheater. I know that is a compulsion and i will not rope my bf into my obsessions. But that urge is strong. So the question is, how do I move on from this? I want to be able to say “I’m not a cheater, I’ve never cheated” without feeling like a fraud. I feel like a garbage person for not having the confidence in myself and for having to reach out and use the memory of my friend to help me out.
I’m so sick and tired of OCD ruining my happiness. Whenever I’m genuinely happy and content, it comes back with full force. I can’t be sure if this is even a real event or a false memory but I constantly feel like a shitty person and that I must confess. Long story short, my ocd has convinced me that when I was young like pre-teen years (I’m 22 now) that I google searched ‘child porn’. I know for a fact I 100% have never watched or liked anything like that and that I am not a pedo but the memory is giving me extreme anxiety and guilt. I have no idea if this is real or not?! How can my brain just make up something that is not real????? I had this OCD thought first occur a couple of weeks ago, I got over it and felt happy again and it came back??! Am I stuck like this forever? Shall I confess to my boyfriend who will definitely not understand? Please someone help me. Do I just sit with the anxiety? Does that work for this type of OCD?!
Are there any other Christians struggling with Real Event OCD? Specifically being able to differentiate between if it’s the OCD making me feel like I need to confess to more people or if it’s actually guilt coming from the Holy Spirit that is trying to convict me so that I will talk with elders in the church or something, etc.? For a tad more information in case it helps you respond to me- The “real event” wasn’t any action(s) that I committed. It was just thoughts/feelings that I had that were inappropriate. I never acted on them and never would. I even prayed them away when I had them at times, but I don’t think it’s fair to call them intrusive either. I feel like they were my thoughts/feelings. I already confessed to my husband 728734 times and will be talking to a counselor in January (first she had available), but in the mean time I am struggling very, very badly. It’s led me to being very depressed and my mind constantly swirling like a tornado. It’s also led to lots of other “themes”… also, I’m new to OCD. I’ve only been seen in the past professionally very briefly for “general anxiety” although it’s starting to become clear to me that I’ve had OCD all along.
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