Feeling like a failure already (2 weeks in)

I just started therapy a couple of weeks ago and my therapist is a complete gem. I feel comfortable with her and think she's a great fit. As I'm sure many (all?) of you have done, she tasked me with filling out the fear and response list. I started on a good note but soon, the perfectionistic, "just-right" OCD side of me came to play. I have a total of 26 fears and responses in this list so far and have written, rewritten, categorized, uncategorized, combined, split apart, and done everything you could ever dream of over and over and over again (I want to add more but have been forcing myself to not even look at it). Thinking through my obsessions and triggers has made me unbearably anxious and is leading to a depressive spiral (and unhealthy coping mechanisms). My therapist said I could stop adding them, that I put enough info, but my brain is going 10 million miles an hour trying to think of how to make these things make more sense, wondering if I put in enough context/info, if I should add examples, etc. If I can't bear going through this first task, it feels like this whole process is going to be hopeless for me. Any words of advice?

Perfectionism OCD

Username: MichelleVMichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m sorry you’re struggling right now. You are capable, more than capable, of going through this process. Your OCD is going to flare up and make you question things, especially as you start to confront it. This is what the disorder does to us. If your therapist wants more information, she’ll ask. In the mean time, keep identifying your unhealthy coping mechanisms, and really try to do some self care, and give yourself grace here. You’re starting this journey, and that’s wonderful. Even when the process is hard, it gets easier. Keep going, you got this ❤️

Username: J.H.26J.H.26

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you, kind stranger :)

Username: peaks&valleys peaks&valleys

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Wow, this reminds me so much of my own journey! You absolutely can get through this first task and you can get through ERP!! Our paths to recovery are not going to be perfect, but you will learn so much about yourself. It’s very rewarding and you can get your life back, but it might feel like walking through fire to get there. What really helped me acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) for ocd. There is a book out there that’s takes you through the process of identifying what you (not ocd) values as a person. This book helped me identify what my therapy goal was and what motivated me to challenge my ocd. ERP is really hard at first. Addressing triggers might even feel impossible. But it will get easier!!!! It won’t be perfect and that’s the point

Username: J.H.26J.H.26

Date posted: 1y ago

My therapist specializes in ACT as well so I'll ask her about it this week! Thank you for the encouragement :)

Username: JmcgrathJmcgrath

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous What’s the name of the book if you don’t mind me asking?

Username: peaks&valleys peaks&valleys

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Jmcgrath The Act workbook for OCD

Username: peaks&valleys peaks&valleys

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Here is the Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/ACT-Workbook-OCD-Mindfulness-Obsessive-Compulsive/dp/168403289X

Username: JmcgrathJmcgrath

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Thank you 🙏🏼

Username: OCDEBOCDEB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Don't get overwhelmed. Settle into therapy. Attack One task at a time.

Username: gixmogixmo

Date posted: 1y ago

realizing how much of my life revolved around OCD was hard for me too. i really struggled with it at first. i focused on paying attention to the behaviors that are causing me pain and limiting my quality of life. you will soon be able to as well. showing up now is huge - good for you !

Username: Kandyse

Date posted: 2y ago

So afraid of starting therapy on here. I have done the intake, questionnaires, and how this should go. I tried listing some of my triggers/obsessions but that threw me into a panic attack. Did the SOS video but couldn’t even stop crying to pay attention to it. This is the first time of doing OCD specific therapy.

Username: AlyssaBuon

Date posted: 2y ago

Why is ERP so hard?

It feels like I can never even get to be able to get there. It shakes me to my core and writing out my fears, triggers, and compulsions today for my therapist made my OCD finally feel real and that it’s not just my anxiety. Has anyone else struggled with this? Any tips for newbies who are scared 💩less?

Username: briarosa

Date posted: 1y ago

Note taking/low self esteem

Hello, I’m new here. I don’t have a formal diagnosis, just sharing my experiences with my obsessive thoughts. The only compulsion I really have is note taking. I feel the need to hoard most of my thoughts and write extensive to do lists, even scolding myself in notes like “be better!” or “STOP being the way you are.” When driving or unavailable to write things down, I have to repeat the thoughts in my head so I won’t forget until I can “save” them. Does anyone else have any experience with this fear of forgetting/not living the perfect life? My notes also revolve around anything someone might causally mention, taking turmeric for example. Will I ever incorporate that into my routine? No, but I write it down just in case because otherwise I’m convinced I won‘t live a healthy, fulfilling life. This all started when I lost a relative and also my house. I wonder if those losses made me subconsciously afraid to lose more? I don’t know. On the bright side, my current medication has been helping my depression. I am able to function and get out of bed, for the most part. But when I am in class or work, I have such crippling self doubt. I don’t feel like I am capable of anything. I don’t trust myself with any tasks. It really gets me down, my thoughts just spiral and I can’t see myself being able to hold down a job that involves working with people…that leads to more note taking of how I can improve. I get such anxiety if I don’t know every little thing there is to know, necessary or not. I get so caught up in it that I can’t even do the bare minimum I DO know without messing up. Even my class notes are full of irrelevant notes from my obsessive thoughts that appear during a lesson, and a girl that sits near me laughs because of how crazy my notebook looks.

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Feeling like a failure already (2 weeks in)

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