Username: Layla32

Date posted: 1y ago

I hate to keep coming on here

I feel doomed. I don’t know if God is real. The ocd shows me no other option that He isn’t. I read my Bible every single day as a routine not a compulsion. I just don’t understand why it won’t change. It causes me to question all things in existence to the point of making me feel like this isn’t just ocd it’s schizophrenia which is then going to cause me to never know the truth or my family or why I am here again. The Bible explains why we’re here but my brain says it’s not enough. This world has been flipped upside down to me since 2020. I am exhausted from all this misinformation we have now. It breaks my heart. I just want the Lord to help me. I don’t want to question who He is and I don’t want to believe what my mind is saying but it feels like I have no hope if I cannot distinguish between what is false and true. I just don’t understand how this could even remotely be a good thing but God says He will finish a good work that He is started. I just find it so like. Untrue. Now. Like. I don’t see Him 😭😭😭. And day 7 of dreary weather. It’s making me so angry today. I know that’s the anxiety but I’m just fed up. I’m tired of the lies feeling so real to my mind that my reality gets distorted.

Username: ElevenBElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Hey Layla. The hardest thing to accept is that this is OCD. OCD has latched on to what is most important to you. Your faith, your family. The anxiety just fuels the OCD thoughts. But I know it's hard to not feel anxious. You said the OCD shows you God isn't real. OCD lies. Yes things have changed since 2020 and it seems to have affected you. And you have so much on your plate right now... homeschooling, baby. And those OCD lies do feel real, that's why they bother us, because we are the opposite of what they are telling us. I'm sorry for all you are going through. I was in a zoom meeting awhile back and the leader said sometimes all you have is the Word. And God's word is truth regardless of feelings or lack thereof. It's hard to believe For God so loved when you don't feel loved. But that's what you have and that's what it says. God loves. And I struggle everyday girl. Everyday. If you haven't I would talk to your doctor. That's where I started at. I am praying for you.

Username: ElevenBElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

And there is a website Scrupulosity Solutions. It's Jaimie Eckert. If you go there I believe you can get her first 5 videos free to watch. She also has a free devotional book you can download. She just had a baby 3 months ago herself. You can pay 57.00 a month and get all of her materials plus she does live zoom classes on Sundays and Wednesdays. She also has private sessions for 127.00 each. But if you can't afford private the zoom classes are very helpful. She is bible based and has helped me a lot.

Username: Layla32Layla32

Date posted: 1y ago

@ElevenB I am seeing my doctor tomo and I’m going to ask him some questions for sure. Esp biblically. Pharmaceuticals are just something I don’t know if I agree with anymore. I’ve been a nurse for years and just don’t know if they are the solution to our world. I am just so upset that I’m this way. Before I had Loral, I wasn’t. I didn’t have doubts about if God was real or any of it. I just feel so broken. I know I have to move forward despite the unknown I just feel like I’m human and I have been so bitter at God early on from all of it bc I don’t see how it’s helpful to be this way in my walk. I am huge into trusting God majorly. Like beyond my own understanding. That’s why I did a home birth actually. I just wanted to trust Him even so much more with my life which has led to more opposition by my own body.

Username: ElevenBElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Layla32 Were you a nurse during COVID?

Username: Layla32Layla32

Date posted: 1y ago

@ElevenB Yes I was. I worked at a rehab facility though with some more milder cases but I did have a patient who passed from it.

Username: ElevenBElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Layla32 That right there was a lot! I am glad you are seeing your doctor tomorrow.

Username: Layla32Layla32

Date posted: 1y ago

@ElevenB Yeah he definitely believes in God too so much curious at his response to what I’m gonna ask. I started my cycle. I am sure it’s not helping. Thank you for the resources ❤️

Username: ElevenBElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Layla32 No. Hormones and OCD are not a good pair.

Username: JordTheNordJordTheNord

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m sorry to here of your struggles and the distortion that it’s causing you from reality to illusion. Not being able or at least CONFIDENTLY able to distinguish truth from lie is a wave of confusion, hopelessness, and loneliness. I’ve been there too. Also, thanks for your help during the pandemic (I read the comments below). Also, seeking help is something not to be ashamed of whether it be from God or others. I know it’s extremely frustrating because you are not at a solid place right now but you will be and it’s ok to waiver on anything even our own beliefs for a bit. It’s our God given right to reflect and question. We just don’t want the questioning/doubting to get out of control hence OCD. Judging by all you have said it sound sad if you’re going through an existential crisis at the moment. Those are tough but end up being great!

Username: Layla32Layla32

Date posted: 1y ago

@JordTheNord It is hard on me. Extremely. After two children, I found myself really loving who I was then I had my last child and ocd struck supporting all my fears from years ago. I had no idea anxiety could get to this magnitude with the disassociation and thoughts. I do still keep going though and I am proud of myself for that. I have come a long way as before the ocd crippled me to freeze states but not really so much anymore but I do get upset. I have been through this loop a few times. It seems to be common for me. One of my stronger themes. Thank you for the kind words ❤️

Username: JordTheNordJordTheNord

Date posted: 1y ago

@Layla32 That’s great you have come a long way especially raising two kids! Also, it’s pretty awesome you have even been aware of your themes and behavior and yes it does suck and is hard but you know where you stand 💪🏻 you got this

Username: ElevenBElevenB

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Isaiah 49:15-16 NKJV Yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me.

Username: Ricky01Ricky01

Date posted: 1y ago

I really loved reading your post, not because I enjoy your pain, but because I’m going through the same. I’ve flipped from enjoying my faith to analyzing every single aspect of it. I can’t get out of bed, I can’t enjoy things because I need to stay home and ruminate or be able to google. The what if’s just keep popping up and it really makes me want to just say “eff it, I don’t believe” but I don’t want to do that. It’s like there are two sides of my brain, pulling me in two different directions.

Username: Layla32Layla32

Date posted: 1y ago

@Ricky01 Yes it’s brutal 😢. I know it all too well. I have been a believer for a really long time and it’s very discouraging. Why now God why? I have gotten rid of a lot of the Google compulsions. I really just read the Word and try to get my answers there. So many people with so many different ideals. We will get through this. Now faith is the being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1. Faith is a step. It doesn’t have to look perfect but it’s literally just saying. I’m still gonna do this when I feel and think the opposite of what I know to be true.

Username: BrokenbutterflyBrokenbutterfly

Date posted: 17w ago

God doesn't promise it'll go away the more you seek Him. Doesn't mean He won't do it for you, but it is not promised.

Username: BrokenbutterflyBrokenbutterfly

Date posted: 17w ago

Martin Luther, the protestant, had writings and in some of them he mentions a thrones in his flesh, one he's prayed for God to get rid of but stayed, and that thorn is believed to be OCD. God used him to start a whole movement despite his OCD.

Username: roses_are_rosé

Date posted: 5y ago

This is just too much...and it just sucks because no matter what I do... in reality ocd doesn’t care about what it’s doing to me... it’s gonna keep doing this. My brother is sick with something that causes diarrhea...he was sick with it 2 weeks ago, got better last week, and we all got the stomach flu this week which caused his sickness to come back...he’s playful and doing normal 1 year old things but ocd keeps saying he is going to die. I don’t completely understand how a 1 year old would just magically die from watery shit, but just because this worry makes no sense, it doesn’t mean I’m still not scared.And it showed me a scenario of his funeral and it’s so fucked up.I think the worst punishment God has ever given me was ocd... ocd hurts me more than anyone else can... it’s so fucked up... I used to ask God for help but I guess mental health wasn’t that saving worthy so I just stopped praying about my mental health BC I’d be “wasting my time, he doesn’t answer you.” I just have so mu ch in. My life that isn’t going right and I’m started to get low key sad and miserable about my life at this point. I need help lately but I’m really depending on some sort of relief... just thought control and to get rid of bad people in my life and to get some of my grades up and...to be happy

Username: Make the mos...

Date posted: 3y ago

I don’t know if I’m ever going to get better, if I’m ever going to feel good, if I’m ever going to be able to carry on with this 10 years down the road. It’s torture with no exit, for me recently. Every time I bring up my OCD around family, they get annoyed. I can’t go to friends because it has only been of temporary relief. I am literally tearing up as I write this. I’m afraid I’m so close to convincing myself of the horrible lies my OCD has been telling me. I just can’t, I don’t know if there’s anyone or thing that can make me feel better. It’s been like lifting gigantic boulder up a steep mountain the entire day—and I could be crushed by it if not careful. If there is a god, why must he put me through this? I have already been through some many enough hard times in life, this OCD has only magnified any insecurities, anxieties, feeling of loneliness, self hate, and negative emotions.

Username: faye

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m feeling horrible.

I find myself questioning things I’d never question about my life. I’m thinking I’ve actually been driven to contemplate these dark things because my ocd has pushed me over the edge. So it’s kinda that my intrusive thoughts have come true. It’s not fair! I feel super hopeless, then I get scared that I felt that way then the ocd kicks in and I start contemplating things like “it’s all hopeless I feel I am going to carry out (insert violent thought here).”. I don’t get it guys… I don’t have the money for therapy right now so crisis chats and this is my best option. I’ll definitely say ocd and my poor sleep bug habit are what has pushed me to these depths. What I don’t get though is I’m not inherently violent, I thought I was always a hopeful person on the inside, I don’t have depression. That and I love my family, I don’t want harm to come to them but the moment I get the hopelessness it makes me question wether or not it’s worth it. I’m living my worst nightmare. By the way I’m not dangerous, I don’t have any deficits in empathy what’s wrong with me. I’m in denial, I can’t believe I’m capable of genuinely thinking these things. Oh and then I have this suicidal spiral. I’ve had suicidal ocd but now I think it’s also partially true since I’ve been in such a dark spot. I know they say that if you’re not comforted by the idea of sleeping forever it prolly means it’s just ocd and well let me say it’s not comforting. Back to back I’m like “do I want to kill myself? Am I feeling that? Will I do it?” And I feel so hopeless that the thought comes in but no I DONT WANT IT. So it’s like half ocd and half my mental distress. But lord no I don’t want it and I don’t want to live in a reality where I contemplate it. Someone just help me… Why are my emotions so intense I question these things? Ocd is involved I know but I’m telling you this hopelessness had made me contemplate things that ocd wouldn’t typically do. I don’t have personality disorders or any other mental illness. HELP ME!

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