Is this who I am?

Long story. I will try to make it short, but I doubt it. I suffer from harm OCD. When I was very young, my mom and Dad divorced. My mom moved my brother and I away to another state. After that we only saw our dad during summer. When I was around 10 or 11, were told that my Dad and stepmom died in a car accident. When I was 16 I was told the truth and that was at my dad killed my stepmother and killed himself. I didn't know how to process that and it had been a long time since I'd seen him last. In my mind I just assumed that it was rage that drove him to do it, not knowing the back story, never knowing the back story to this day. I've always been scared of getting angry because I didn't know if that was the cause of his apparent violent behavior. Fast forward to me in my early 50s. Suddenly I found myself with ruminating intrusive thoughts that I could kill my wife. These thoughts crippled me, terrifiied me and would not let me go! In the worst of moments I would be in what I learned was full-blown panic attacks, anxiety and unable to breathe, crippled, world spinning moments. It was when I began doing research, I came upon something called harm OCD. It was amazing and terrifying to read my symptoms word for word. It was like somebody had written an article about my situation. Now what I was going through had a name but was this who I was? Am I a killer? Would I do what he did? OCD trys to tell me this is who I am, that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. But I am many many years older then my dad ever was and I have never had a rage moment in my whole life. I've been happily married for almost 20 years and have a wonderful 16yr old son. OCD does not know you! OCD can't tell you who you are! OCD just want to latch on to random thoughts and attempt to breath life into them. Lean into the thought. When you get comfortable with the uncomfortable, the anxiety will ease and you will be able to pass through the feeling just as you do with the other 59 thousand other thoughts you have a day. One Day At A Time! We are here and you are a beautiful being!

You are not your OCD thoughts. But the feelings make it seem as if you are. But again you are not your OCD thoughts.

I know that's how we feel. We think OCD is who we are. You may have already looked but YouTube is full of OCD helps and NOCD has Q and A I believe every Wednesday night where you ask your questions to the therapist. I know it's hard but try not to give in to thoughts and try not to reassure yourself that the thoughts aren't real, that just makes them worse. I know that's not much help. I'm sorry you are going through this. 🫂❤️🙏

You’re more than your thoughts. I love you ❤️