Having ROCD and SO-OCD with a BF is the worst…

First time posting! My therapist recommended that I give this app a look. Hopefully this isn’t too much to read and a another trigger warning for anyone sensitive to SA and sexual themes (straight and gay). Anyways I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and he is my first. During the first year we were together, I actually got diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. Was on meds for both but stopped because I didn’t want to be reliant on meds and wanted to overcome them without it. The OCD started off with ROCD. I constantly had thoughts about cheating on him and leaving him because “I’m not his type” or he only got with me because he’s desperate. I freak out sometimes when he looks at my phone because I think that I downloaded a dating app and a notification will pop up. I would constantly ask for reassurance from him and make sure he loved me for who I am. I constantly felt guilty and had anxiety attacks whenever the thoughts came in. The thoughts deceive me into thinking that I’m unhappy with the relationship and that it’s doomed to end. Then it evolved into SO-OCD. A quick backstory was that I always and only had crushes on boys up until college. I went to an art school where most of not all of the girls were part of the LGBT+. I think that influenced me to be more “open” with my sexuality. I had a friend who was a girl who I “developed” a crush on. I’m pretty sure it was because I liked the attention and being influenced by a lot of my friends. What makes me think it was just because of attention was that I never thought about the sexual part. I was very lonely and craved any amount of attention and I was desperately wanting to be loved. I never dated anyone in my life and it showed. I even confessed but she rejected me. Later I was constantly sexualized by who I thought were my friends. I was even molested and groped by a girl while I was drunk and high and was about to pass out. Ever since then I’ve been very cautious around female friends especially if I’ve been drinking. When I was confident enough to go on dating apps I only put interested in men since I was sure I am straight. My SO-OCD makes me not trust the women in my life and not to get close to any female. I have thoughts that I am a lesbian in denial and that I am lying to everyone around me. That I’m leading my boyfriend on and that I should be with a women. Looking at myself in the mirror and imagining a lesbian lifestyle. When I try on certain clothes or get my hair done I think “I look so gay” or “I should get a pixie cut or shave my head so I look more gay”. (I’m sorry if that part offends anyone i’m just repeating my thoughts). I have detailed visions in my head of my having sex with women even though the thought repulses me. I get triggered from looking at a gay couple or even having conversations with a woman in the store. I constantly think that I should ask them out even though I have a boyfriend and I’m not really interested. I even have thoughts of messaging my family and coming out. I feel so guilty looking at my boyfriend and having those thoughts cloud my mind. Recently it’s been getting so bad that I’m convinced im completely gay and that im not attracted to him anymore. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t go to that college and maybe none of these thoughts would happen. I also feel that my OCD is invalidated because of my past. Like the OCD uses it as leverage to validate the intrusive thoughts. It makes me feel like I’m never going to get over this sometimes. I’m lucky enough to have the most amazing and understand boyfriend. Even though it is hard to tell him my thoughts he doesn’t judge me at all or take it personally. I feel super guilty whenever I get these thoughts because I love him to death. He means a the world to me and it kills me that I have these thoughts. Couldn’t ask for someone better to fight the OCD battle with. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate it a lot and hopefully it wasn’t too much at a time. ❤️

Username: jag92jag92

Date posted: 1y ago

Sorry super long post haha but I’m just trying to say I relate but also it doesn’t get better being single haha

Username: jag92jag92

Date posted: 1y ago

Lots of things that you say sound very much like my brain! My partner broke up with me in May but looking back it was an abusive relationship he was very controlling and I think I stayed with him longer than I should because of the thoughts I had (that I now think are ocd). Being single is really hard too because it’s so hard to think about dating with all the thoughts cause my brain is saying eww no don’t get with a boy it’s not really what you want …you need to get with a woman but the thought also disgusts me (sorry if that offends anyone but it’s not what I want!) but I have been aroused by same sex intimacy in the past (porn and a drunken experience) but Im not sure if that’s because I think of it as taboo….I dunno haha but it’s soo hard! I wore a leather jacket the other day and had really bad intrusive thoughts that it meant I was a lesbian I know how stupid that sounds but I forced myself to keep it on so that wasn’t avoiding it. I did some ERP but found it really difficult to at the moment I’m just trying to do ERP to everyday triggers rather than exposing myself on purpose if that makes sense ….and I feel ok but when I’m on my own or even when I’m happy I just get the nagging feeling that I’m not living life like I should be or that I’m not fulfilled like I’m “in denial” and would be happier with a woman …but I want to be with a man …I’ve lost some attraction to men too which makes it so hard haha! I’m trying to not put pressure on myself to date and just enjoy my life as it is and if someone comes along then great. I have a son who I love so much but I know I want more kids haha and I sometimes get lonely so I would like a boyfriend but I’m trying just to live life in the moment

Username: pengunaranja pengunaranja

Date posted: 1y ago

I read it all, I'm going through the same!! It's exactly like this, this days I've been feeling terrible because it feels as if I'm accepting being gay, like, I think it's me, that i really I'm gay (even deep me, it's like questioning my deep thoughts) but, I've come to promise myself something. That is my decision to stay with my bf even if "I was gay" because I love him, I can't be more grateful to have him near me, I haven't had a crush on a girl before neither have I wanted a relationship with one, but I did was sexually curious and wanted to try out new things (also because it was like "trendy"(?? Sorry if that offends the community, ik it's not about trends but it was the case for me) well, I got together with my boyfriend after that, don't worry you are not alone, this feels so real, now i even think I really am gay and it feels as if I want, as if I REALLY want to be with a woman

Username: pengunaranja pengunaranja

Date posted: 1y ago

Also, for me, I don't get anxious anymore, neither do I get grossed out by the thoughts so that makes me feel as if they were 100% true..

Username: Meg99Meg99

Date posted: 1y ago

Relate so much. Especially to the paragraph where you talk about the thought so-ocd makes you have. It’s consumed my life. I think “maybe if I’m in denial and just admit I’m a lesbian I’ll just be stress free.” Then when I think about that in my head it doesn’t even feel right to say that I am a lesbian. But it’s absolutely consumed my life, no matter what I do there’s always a thought that relates somehow to me thinking I’m gay. It also hurts a lot because I love my boyfriend, he’s genuinely the best I have ever had, always puts me first, always listens to my feelings and loves me for me. But then I feel horrible because I feel like I’m leading him on, wasting his time, etc and don’t want to do that to him. Last night was horrible. The ocd has started affecting our sex, like when we have sex is when my mind starts going crazy on lesbian thoughts so I am now at the point where I avoid sex because I don’t want to have the distressing thoughts. It’s not even sexual thoughts with women, it’s the thoughts of me hurting him. So this weekend had been rough for me with intrusive thoughts, he wanted to have sex last night, I didn’t, then I got even more upset because then my brain says “well if you don’t want to have sec with him then you’re a lesbian.” I’m just exhausted. I want my old self back that wasn’t stressed 24/7, I want my brain to shut up and stop and I want the relationship I had back so bad.

Username: Carolll35

Date posted: 1y ago

If you have ROCD read this.

I have rocd. It’s the worst feeling being with the love of your life and having these thoughts. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and few months and I just wish this disorder wasn’t even a thing. From the start of us being together I knew and felt he was perfect and EVERYTHING I’ve always wanted. I had thoughts about everything you can name of. If I love him or not, do I like other people instead, if he’s ugly, if I like him only because of his looks, comparing other relationships, if he did one thing off or different question if I really know him, thought he was a different person then what I really knew him for, believing and having the thoughts every single one feel real. It’s a nightmare. Because I would literally die on the instead from telling him these things when he never did anything. I have gotten much better with the love, and looks and all that but there’s always new “targets” as me and him say. It’s like I can never truly run away. I think of how easy it is for others in relationships since they don’t have this and I just want that with him. It’s been a year and a few months and yes we’ve went through hell and back and a lot of things have gotten better but not fully. Hopefully soon enough they will and EVRYTHING will be much better. I just want him. I can’t do anything without him like he’s really the first person I only ever imagined a future with. A future that I wanted to be married and have kids and just live a beautiful life with. I want his pain and suffering to end with all these thoughts he’s heard throughout the year. I never mean to hurt him. I never mean to break him. I just want him. I can’t lose him. If you have ROCD, it’s good your here. Get help, get support, talk to someone about this because it will get better. I’ve had my amazing days. 4 days straight! I never had that before but I lost it and trying to get it back. I know I will, just gotta keep trying hard. My boyfriend helps me so much by supporting and telling me “Your ocd is not you, these thoughts aren’t you, ocd attacks anything you care about.” I couldn’t be more lucky to have him. I’m the luckiest girl alive. He makes me feel that way and I just want this to be over already. I love him so much. Idk if this helps anyone with ROCD, but you’re not alone. Search up videos the help understand, pay attention and watch what you can do to fix it because it is. I’m not there yet but I will not give up, so everyone out there with any type of OCD. We can do this. Confidence is key. Don’t give up. We’re all here to help one another, and ofc regular support with friends family and definitely therapy.

Relationship OCD

Username: LochNess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

SO-OCD and ROCD

WALL OF TEXT INCOMING (sorry)! Hello, I hope everyone is doing well and are managing their OCD symptoms well. I have a question concerning SO-OCD and ROCD. A little background first: I developed SO-OCD (have been to therapy here at NOCD and therapist says I meet criteria for OCD and SAD so far) I can't really pinpoint when exactly this developed, but it seemed to have happened when I got depressed, lost interest in sex, then convinced myself that I lost interest in sex because I must be gay despite the rational part of my brain knowing that I haven't desired to be with the same-sex before. It spiraled into heavy rumination, obsessive thoughts and then avoidance. My long-term relationship ended (got cheated on) and that sent me down even further. I've always had low self-esteem, but this killed any semblance I had left. I couldn't sleep, had persistent anxiety, and just felt like my brain exploded from the shock of it all. It's been around 2 years since this ramped up, and it has felt like absolute hell on earth. Lately, my SO-OCD seems to not be triggered so heavily (not getting as highly anxious of the thoughts, and have noticed the thoughts slowing down in overall frequency and have been able to dismiss them easier than before), but I think I have started taking a liking to a gal the past few months, but don't trust my sense of feelings anymore. Some examples: 1) I think I have felt butterflies? But not sure if it is or just anxiety. 2) I am terrified of getting intimate or sexual (fear of embarrassment, or perhaps my "member" not working when the time comes) despite thinking about getting intimate with this lady. 3) Doubting that I actually have feelings toward her (thinking that maybe I'm just trying to force the relationship because I don't want the OCD to be true). Has anyone dealt with this with similar themes? It feels like my SO-OCD has kind of merged with ROCD or transitioning from one to the other. I have a tendency now to expect arousal from every close interaction with a potential partner and if it doesn't happen (like if we give each other a hug after work) then I doubt my attraction despite having been aroused simply by touch previously. I know it sounds goofy, but I think about it every-single-time ("welp, i wasnt aroused that time. I must not be attracted to her!"). It's all a lot to handle when trying to navigate a potential relationship and fear I'll never overcome this intense anxiety to sex/intimacy. So I avoid getting too close or putting myself in situations where these things could occur. Thank you if you've made it this far. This was tough to put out there, but I'd love to hear others thoughts. Again, I hope all is well for everyone and stay strong out there.

Username: ev!

Date posted: 1y ago

First post

Hello, I never got formally diagnosed for OCD, they told me I have autism with ocd tendencies but I think I have more than just tendencies. I’ve been reading some of the posts and I’ve never related to something more. These past few weeks especially have been awful. Let me explain. 1. I have a boyfriend and I’m coming to realize I may have ROCD. I love him to death but I can’t get over the thought that maybe I’m just faking for his attention and I don’t actually like him and that he doesn’t actually like me and just feels sorry for me. Now I know none of this is true, but it feels intensely real to me and I’ve started avoiding him because of it. We still hang out and I try to get past these thoughts but its hard. 2. I’m trying to lower the dose of my meds because I miss having emotions but now they may be too low and my depression/anxiety is coming back. The other day it was so bad and the intrusive thoughts were awful and I had the urge to SH. I physically felt like I had to do it. My boyfriend was on the phone with me, I kept trying to hang up so I could go do it, he wouldn’t let me. It was the only thing I could think about. “Luckily”, not really that lucky, he fell asleep so I snuck to the bathroom to do it. I hated myself so much afterwards but also felt relieved that I did it. Then super guilty. Then I started thinking I only did it for attention. It’s so stressful and I feel the urge coming back and I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s many other intrusive thoughts and compulsions I’ve been having but those were just two of the main ones. I don’t know what to do/maybe I could try exposure or therapy but I really don’t want to. Thanks for reading!

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Having ROCD and SO-OCD with a BF is the worst…

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