I want to believe in my salvation

I am afraid of losing my salvation. I have improved from the fear of the unpardonable sin. Which is a huge blessing! But now i am constantly plagued by feelings and thoughts telling me if i do anything I will disown Jesus and lose all three parts of a God and that I have to go through the process of getting saved again. All ghese different doctrines are not helping. Some people say you can lose your salvation others say you definitely cannot. It is terrible.

I am a firm believer, a child of God, and deep down inside I know that God has me and loves me. With OCD though, I keep circling back to worries of the unpardonable sin; I analyze it again to try to find the answer, and there is no universally accepted answer so it’s impossible just to find one answer. In recent years I hadn’t doubted my salvation, but then during an OCD therapy session last year, I said something I did not mean (as a therapeutic exercise), and then I found out about the unpardonable sin a couple weeks later (interestingly I had read those bible verses before, and it never registered with me that Jesus was speaking of an unpardonable sin). I initially worried that what I had said may had been the unpardonable sin but now, looking back, I understand that it was not. I have since read many articles and listened to numerous sermons on what the unpardonable sin is. The fear was overwhelming, and I found myself having terrible (unwanted) thoughts in my head (that I will not type out); I did not believe any of these thoughts, and the more I tried not to think them, the more they kept coming back. I then had fears that I committed the unpardonable sin in my head, but knew that was nonsense. I remember praying in late November last year, telling God that I knew I had not committed this sin (it was not the first time I had prayed this, but I had peace after that prayer this time). The next day, I was hanging around my fiancé’s apartment while she was out, and I heard myself saying, “The Holy Spirit”, out loud. I then went into panic mode, because I was unsure as to why I had said “The Holy Spirit” out loud and was worried as to what I might have said prior to that; essentially, I was worried that I might have caught myself saying one of my terrible thoughts out loud. It scared the daylights out of me, but quite quickly I concluded I must had been thinking and speaking “Praise The Father, Son, and The Holy Spirit”, because I’d remembered thinking and (I believe) saying that out loud earlier that morning. The worry essentially comes back every now and again of “what if” I actually did say one of my terrible thoughts out loud. I love God, the faith He has given me is all that matters to me. I sometimes worry though that I have messed everything up. Does this all make sense? Any input here?

Hey guys, I’m really suffering right now. I’m not trying to promote a victim mentality or any of that so… I’m trying to let my thoughts go because my intrusive thoughts and obsessions revolve around the unforgivable sin and for some reason in my head I have horrible blasphemous thoughts on repeat that sometimes are not prompted (meaning triggered) and they absolutely violate my being. It isn’t a new problem for me but I feel like it’s evolved into ME not being able to think the name “Holy Spirit” without something vile or nasty coming out of my mind. Or it even at this point feels like my heart. It’s horrible. I went to a women’s retreat today and as we were talking about being “born again” I was TRIGGERED. I came in feeling like a child of God but the more these thoughts I had took place the more I felt like it wasn’t possible for me to be. I said it’s not new but I have a really hard time believing that it’s not my fault. Can anyone relate to thoughts feeling like they are 100% yours and that you are responsible? It’s completely messed up the dialogue in my mind it’s like I can’t speak in it anymore unless it’s blasphemy. I feel scared, but I know that God is working. Any encouragement or… thoughts?