rocd cheating- need advice

hi guys, im really looking for advice right now. this is going to be a super long post with a lot to it so i apologise in advance! i know reassurance isn’t good, but i really feel like sometimes it really confuses you on whether something is bad or not? does that make sense? i’ve been with my bf a while now and when we’re good things are amazing, but when they’re bad they’re bad. long story short, there’s been many incidents where he’s been name calling me, including very degrading words such as “wh*re” and when he called me this a few months ago this summer, i was very upset. he took me out the next day to make it up for me but then i saw messages on his phone between him and his friends of videos & pics of other girls. some were half naked, some had better bodies than me, society’s desired body shape. keep in mind his friend is married and he’s doing this too. anyway- i see my boyfriend send a post of a girl that tried to make a move on him during a night out (which he was honest about) but he sent it to his friend and said he “shagged her” i feel sick even writing this still. he swore on his little brothers life, my life and god he was just joking. but it got to me so so much bc i felt so mentally drained from the previous days argument and now this. my anxiety was sky high after for ages. even now when i think about it i still have doubts. fast forward to two weeks ago, i saw more messages on my bf’s phone of half naked girls (even tho he was apologetic about doing it the first time round and knew how much it impacted my self esteem, confidence and mental health) and i couldn’t stop crying. the worst thing is i said to him show me the messages and he deleted them. there’s been a few incidents last year where he liked other girls pics too and claimed it wasn’t him. idk i believe him but sometimes i dont. like all of this on top of the hurtful things he’s said to me really really get to me so much. we had a convo about it just over a week ago and he promised to do better which is good but i feel the damage is there. anyway, i have very bad rocd in terms of cheating. like me being unfaithful. i constantly avoid other men and interacting with them. like i won’t even walk past them. even opening the doors to delivery drivers give me sm anxiety it makes me sick. i don’t go on social media after a certain time incase i message someone and don’t remember. so last week i had a party, and my fears were still there bc i knew other men will be there and i did avoidance still. but there was a moment when i was taking pics of my aunt and a group of guys walked past me and the attraction felt so real and different to all times before, even the GR. i feel so disloyal even typing this. i feel like i cheated. and im scared that bc this attraction was there (maybe fueled more by the ocd) what if i stepped towards the guys when they walked past? i know i didn’t make contact bc id feel it and id know (even tho im doubting this) but im scared that i stepped towards them out of the attraction which is scaring me so so much. like if i did i cheated right? my friend said no. but i feel so sick. i also feel like feeling the attraction was bad, it felt intense but this may have been ocd mixed in? idk? but then the other part of me is maybe i felt like that subconsciously bc of the issues with my boyfriend? im not sure, i feel very confused at the moment. i have the biggest urge to confess but im scared. i think im more scared because of the times my bf has spoken about other girls etc and he’d do it more. bc one time he said he’d do something with another girl if i did something and after he felt bad when he said it but i feel like its really impacted my nervous system. do i confess? did i cheat?

Username: anonymous_rexanonymous_rex

Date posted: 51w ago

Oh dear, I can feel the pain that you’re going through, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. You are heard and seen! I want to be honest and keep in mind that my knowledge of your situation is ONLY based on this post, but I am concerned about your boyfriend’s actions and words towards you. The person who loves you should not be putting you in harm’s way with his words and actions. The apologizing only for him to do it again is a red flag. Women stay in abusive situations because the man apologizes and she feels bad or worse, blames herself. I’m not trying to make you spiral about it but what you’re describing is not good. The person who loves you should build you up and protect you, not tear you down. In regards to feeling like you’re cheating, it is 100% OCD, and the details are not that important. I understand how you’re feeling, but OCD is OCD is OCD. The fact that you’re so worried that you cheated is proof that you don’t want to cheat. It’s a hot topic for your brain right now and OCD is latching on. Your avoidance and reassurance seeking are not common pastimes of people who actually cheat. The cure is the same as with all other OCD subtypes; exposure and teaching your brain that the stressor is not actually threatening. OCD will try to convince you that it is real and that maybe you even like it. It’s at the very core of the disorder. I hope you can find some peace today 🧡

Username: dreamerxodreamerxo

Date posted: 51w ago

@anonymous_rex Thank you for the help! I totally agree, it’s so difficult to navigate the ocd when it always feels so real. It truly makes me feel like an awful person and if im deserving of all the bad behaviour. I will definitely try to sit with the anxiety & not confess or ruminate over it as much anymore!

Username: OCD26OCD26

Date posted: 51w ago

Hi 🤗 My very personal opinion is that a bad relation is the cause I of all your despair. With all of my respect I think your boyfriend is a narcissist to enjoy seeing you react at every childish move he makes . Love is not a roller coaster !!! specially you being so sensitive and with your condition you should surround yourself with people that you can trust, build you up, and don’t bring you to the edge all the time. You are a very nice person and you deserve better, don’t worry so much about looking and admiring other people that’s totally normal. We are only humans lol Sending good vibes your way 🙌

Username: FragileFragile

Date posted: 51w ago

Hey, first of all I don’t think it is right how your bf is behaving. It seems like it bothers you that he looks at pictures of woman, likes pictures etc. Also the name calling is inappropriate. If you didn’t already, you should really set boundaries. It is unacceptable to treat theirs partner with such disrespect. I don’t want to give you reassurance because this wont help you, but I want to say, that attraction towards other people is totally normal in every relationship. You dont just suddenly loose your eyesight, just because you are in a relationship :) it happens to soo many, if not every human, so please don’t beat yourself up. I also had situations where I found other people attractive and so did my partner I believe but its fine! :) Maybe it is so hard on you because you were hurt when he looked at woman online. But those are two completely different things. Have you told him, that he hurt you?

Username: dreamerxodreamerxo

Date posted: 51w ago

@Fragile Thank you for your reply! He does know, i’ve told him last week about everything and what it’s caused but im hoping he understands! I completely agree about the attraction thing! it’s just so difficult to navigate with the rocd and the “did i move towards the person bc of the attraction” but i know it’s something i have to sit with!

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Rocd

Hi- I’ve come here because I feel so overwhelmed with my emotions and how to deal with them. I have a male colleague who I have been working with and consider a friend. We would text casually as friends but I stopped because I didn’t want him or my husband to get the wrong impression. My colleague knew I was married, but continued to text me casually. I made sure to always mention my husband. At that time I didn’t think it was a big deal so I would respond to be nice (and since we were co workers) but had no intention behind it. I wasn’t sure if he had a crush on me because he didn’t tell me but I sort of had a feeling he did? Anyway our company went on a work incentive trip and I met him in person for the first time. I even introduced my husband and they got along. I thought everything was good until I started to notice I wanted his attention and wanted him to notice me? I think I wanted to get it out of him out of him if he liked me or not. He continued to text me while on the trip and one night told me I looked pretty (i said thank you) then proceeded to text me if I would have a drink at the bar with him. I did not respond to his texts or show my husband as I didn’t want to cause a scene during the rest of the trip. None of that happened either. I thought to not make things weird I would text him the next day as if nothing happened. Anyway, I felt so guilty after coming home from the trip that I shared every single detail with my husband and have convinced myself that I cheated. My husband is the most amazing man I’ve ever met and it kills me that I can’t be in the moment with him and I’ve become obsessed with compulsions and checking to see if I’ve cheated. Even if my husband said I didn’t and he forgives me and to move on, I can’t stop replaying every single interaction and how I felt then and what I’ve texted or of I came across as if I was flirting. I confess to him every night to help me feel better but it only works for a little. I really want to move past this but it’s become so overwhelming that when we’re with other couple friends I have a thought to compare if our marriage is as good as theirs or if they have experienced similar struggles and it kills me that this issue has caused me so much stress to even ruminate the fact if I love my husband or if this means there is a stain on our marriage and I can’t move in from it. I was at such a happy place in my life and thought nothing would ever come between me and my husband but I just want move past this guilt or thoughts of me cheating. Please share some advice if you can thank you

Username: BSVWYIRGN

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m scared of being a cheater

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year coming this May. I have never had feelings for someone like this and I genuinely see myself living the rest of my life with him. Talking to him comes effortlessly. He sees me for all that I am and works with me. My family has already begun developing a connection with him as well as I have with his family. I’ve never felt so at home until meeting him. Lately my ROCD symptoms have been playing on the narrative of him either finding a new girl that interests him and is somehow “better” than me OR me ruining our relationship because of potential cheating I have absolutely no actual interest in cheating because I know he’s my person and so am his. I know I’m going to marry him and I know that I want him to be the father of my kids. I want to see him grow and I want to build a foundation of unconditional love with him. So why do I shame myself? There’s this shop that him and I go to quite frequently, and the last time we went an employer that we typically see every-time we come began talking to me personally. We were all just talking about movies but my boyfriend mentioned that he felt like he was flirting with me. I begun feeling bad like I was doing something wrong. My mind started telling me that I liked having him “flirt” with me and that it made me feel desirable and confident in knowing that I was still considered attractive. I’m scared because now everytime we go the employee seems to be staring at me and when I went today he actually gave me something for free which led to me thinking I was playing into the flirting narrative and that this would lead to something worse (Though I still have no interest in doing so, just anxiety about that happening is the best way to put it) Has anyone else experienced something similar? Is there any advice that can be given? I don’t think anything’s going to happen, but what If I do like knowing someone likes me even if it’s not reciprocated? Does that make me a cheater? Or is that the product of unresolved self worth issues?

Username: Naryoh27

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m crisis :( ROCD

I can’t stop thinking about a time the thoight of cheating crossed my mind at a party and I was like “no it’s against my morals” and then started ruminating about it for hours thinking that maybe I should break up with my partner if I’m attracted to someone else I was cold and didn’t talk to the person the whole time ofc (I don’t really know them I just saw them that one time and they were hitting on me - which I rudely rejected and said I had a bf) I feel terrible. I feel like a cheater. I’ve been told I’m not but why do I still feel like I am? I feel like I betrayed my partner and I feel terrible and disgusting to the point I’ve been cutting myself.

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