rocd cheating- need advice

hi guys, im really looking for advice right now. this is going to be a super long post with a lot to it so i apologise in advance! i know reassurance isn’t good, but i really feel like sometimes it really confuses you on whether something is bad or not? does that make sense? i’ve been with my bf a while now and when we’re good things are amazing, but when they’re bad they’re bad. long story short, there’s been many incidents where he’s been name calling me, including very degrading words such as “wh*re” and when he called me this a few months ago this summer, i was very upset. he took me out the next day to make it up for me but then i saw messages on his phone between him and his friends of videos & pics of other girls. some were half naked, some had better bodies than me, society’s desired body shape. keep in mind his friend is married and he’s doing this too. anyway- i see my boyfriend send a post of a girl that tried to make a move on him during a night out (which he was honest about) but he sent it to his friend and said he “shagged her” i feel sick even writing this still. he swore on his little brothers life, my life and god he was just joking. but it got to me so so much bc i felt so mentally drained from the previous days argument and now this. my anxiety was sky high after for ages. even now when i think about it i still have doubts. fast forward to two weeks ago, i saw more messages on my bf’s phone of half naked girls (even tho he was apologetic about doing it the first time round and knew how much it impacted my self esteem, confidence and mental health) and i couldn’t stop crying. the worst thing is i said to him show me the messages and he deleted them. there’s been a few incidents last year where he liked other girls pics too and claimed it wasn’t him. idk i believe him but sometimes i dont. like all of this on top of the hurtful things he’s said to me really really get to me so much. we had a convo about it just over a week ago and he promised to do better which is good but i feel the damage is there. anyway, i have very bad rocd in terms of cheating. like me being unfaithful. i constantly avoid other men and interacting with them. like i won’t even walk past them. even opening the doors to delivery drivers give me sm anxiety it makes me sick. i don’t go on social media after a certain time incase i message someone and don’t remember. so last week i had a party, and my fears were still there bc i knew other men will be there and i did avoidance still. but there was a moment when i was taking pics of my aunt and a group of guys walked past me and the attraction felt so real and different to all times before, even the GR. i feel so disloyal even typing this. i feel like i cheated. and im scared that bc this attraction was there (maybe fueled more by the ocd) what if i stepped towards the guys when they walked past? i know i didn’t make contact bc id feel it and id know (even tho im doubting this) but im scared that i stepped towards them out of the attraction which is scaring me so so much. like if i did i cheated right? my friend said no. but i feel so sick. i also feel like feeling the attraction was bad, it felt intense but this may have been ocd mixed in? idk? but then the other part of me is maybe i felt like that subconsciously bc of the issues with my boyfriend? im not sure, i feel very confused at the moment. i have the biggest urge to confess but im scared. i think im more scared because of the times my bf has spoken about other girls etc and he’d do it more. bc one time he said he’d do something with another girl if i did something and after he felt bad when he said it but i feel like its really impacted my nervous system. do i confess? did i cheat?

Username: anonymous_rexanonymous_rex

Date posted: 47w ago

Oh dear, I can feel the pain that you’re going through, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. You are heard and seen! I want to be honest and keep in mind that my knowledge of your situation is ONLY based on this post, but I am concerned about your boyfriend’s actions and words towards you. The person who loves you should not be putting you in harm’s way with his words and actions. The apologizing only for him to do it again is a red flag. Women stay in abusive situations because the man apologizes and she feels bad or worse, blames herself. I’m not trying to make you spiral about it but what you’re describing is not good. The person who loves you should build you up and protect you, not tear you down. In regards to feeling like you’re cheating, it is 100% OCD, and the details are not that important. I understand how you’re feeling, but OCD is OCD is OCD. The fact that you’re so worried that you cheated is proof that you don’t want to cheat. It’s a hot topic for your brain right now and OCD is latching on. Your avoidance and reassurance seeking are not common pastimes of people who actually cheat. The cure is the same as with all other OCD subtypes; exposure and teaching your brain that the stressor is not actually threatening. OCD will try to convince you that it is real and that maybe you even like it. It’s at the very core of the disorder. I hope you can find some peace today 🧡

Username: dreamerxodreamerxo

Date posted: 47w ago

@anonymous_rex Thank you for the help! I totally agree, it’s so difficult to navigate the ocd when it always feels so real. It truly makes me feel like an awful person and if im deserving of all the bad behaviour. I will definitely try to sit with the anxiety & not confess or ruminate over it as much anymore!

Username: OCD26OCD26

Date posted: 47w ago

Hi 🤗 My very personal opinion is that a bad relation is the cause I of all your despair. With all of my respect I think your boyfriend is a narcissist to enjoy seeing you react at every childish move he makes . Love is not a roller coaster !!! specially you being so sensitive and with your condition you should surround yourself with people that you can trust, build you up, and don’t bring you to the edge all the time. You are a very nice person and you deserve better, don’t worry so much about looking and admiring other people that’s totally normal. We are only humans lol Sending good vibes your way 🙌

Username: FragileFragile

Date posted: 47w ago

Hey, first of all I don’t think it is right how your bf is behaving. It seems like it bothers you that he looks at pictures of woman, likes pictures etc. Also the name calling is inappropriate. If you didn’t already, you should really set boundaries. It is unacceptable to treat theirs partner with such disrespect. I don’t want to give you reassurance because this wont help you, but I want to say, that attraction towards other people is totally normal in every relationship. You dont just suddenly loose your eyesight, just because you are in a relationship :) it happens to soo many, if not every human, so please don’t beat yourself up. I also had situations where I found other people attractive and so did my partner I believe but its fine! :) Maybe it is so hard on you because you were hurt when he looked at woman online. But those are two completely different things. Have you told him, that he hurt you?

Username: dreamerxodreamerxo

Date posted: 47w ago

@Fragile Thank you for your reply! He does know, i’ve told him last week about everything and what it’s caused but im hoping he understands! I completely agree about the attraction thing! it’s just so difficult to navigate with the rocd and the “did i move towards the person bc of the attraction” but i know it’s something i have to sit with!

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Confession - cheating ocd

I have this thought where i think ive chested on my partner 2 years ago when drunk at a party I really really dont think it happened because i only had the thought a few months ago “what if i cheated at this party with this guy who i barely even know” I see a future with my boyfriend and i don’t want to confess but i just feel like i have to JUST IJ CASE but i know it could hurt him so much and it probably didnt even happen I cant just ask the guy who i think i cheated with because were not friends and dont speak so if i message he will think im some freak Anyone in a similar boat or overcome this I just don’t know how i can move forward without confessing

Username: Mayla123

Date posted: 51w ago

Help please I can't

I was a night out last saturday. I was talking to everyone in the bar. I had a similar thing 5 years ago and in the mean time a few times but not that sticky. Because I knew that I would panic when I drink and dont remember every little thing, I told my friend who was playing at the kicker table about every conversation that I had the evening. At the end of the night I knew almost everyone in the bar. At the end of the night I met a girl whi rememered me from that night 5 years ago. I guess that triggered me? I went to the toilet multiple times and remembered thinking about "what if I think I had sex tomorrow?" And imagined some stuff.Something like that I can not recall it a 100%. When we were going home I cried so much about meeting that girl from 5 years ago, i was just going crazy. I know think that I did have cheated on the toilet and that cryiing was because I did cheat. So the next day I guess everything was fine I was talking about the evening with my friends, they said I was a hyperactive squirell. And we were talking about the evening. Wehen I came home I told my bf that I missed him and told him about the evening. Something felt very off. The next day I was checking my body and saw scratches on my inner thigh.. i knew that I was peeing in a bush of thornes but somehow my mind just didnt want to accept it. Now 7 days later I have really disturbing images in my head of cheating on that toilet. I remember so much if that night but not everytime I went to the toilet. I am so sad.. i think its not ocd. It is real and i just surpressed it. I was feeling so good in that relationship of 8 years with my partner I love him more than everything, but I can nit let that images go. What if I thought having sex is no cheating... or that I needed to know how it felt like to cheat so I can be sure I didnt do it 5 years ago. I cant handle this!!!! I hate myself so much.. I somehow got out of this miseries of disturbing images with other real events like 5-6times but this time I think, it must have happened. What if I had mean thoughts about my boyfriend. Wat if I cheated on him 5 times ....

Username: aleigha

Date posted: 42w ago

Is this rocd?

I had an argument with my boyfriend 3 months ago, I posted a picture and people were commenting on it and one of the comments was a guy that flirted with me that I completely forgot about. I felt guilty for so long, my inner mind was calling me a cheater and that I’m not worth it. It progressed onto me thinking “do I love him?” And “should I break up with him?”, I cried over the fact that I started to lose myself and being so scared to lose him over my thoughts. I seek for reasurance from online sources (like Reddit), my friends and my mother because I want to believe that it’s just my head that is telling me things and not my actual feelings. My mind keeps on telling me things that I don’t want to hear, I lost feelings that I didn’t want to lose, I lost happiness and comfort and love that I didn’t want to lose but it’s all in my head? I do love him but I don’t feel anything anymore? It’s all confusing. I miss missing him, it makes me feel so bad that I don’t feel the way that I used to anymore. bearing in mind that this is my first healthiest relationship I’ve been in. He’s treated me better than my exes that treated me so poorly. Could this be Depression and anxiety / ROCD? If so does it get better?

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