Scrupulosity

@Anonymous Thank you friend. These thoughts just get so loud. Thank you for responding so kindly. I always wanted a family so badly. I am even ok with being bi, and he knows that. I just wanna snuggle into his chest and disappear. I’m glad you can understand how hellish this is. How long have you struggled?

@Ditto Since July of 2023, at the time I was in a relationship wasn’t the best. It ended for the better but aside from that. Started noticing I was losing some what of attraction that started freaking me out, on top of some video on instagram somebody said that means your turning gay which made me scared and downhill from there. I was an alcoholic for many years I’m 28, but I went cold turkey and I went into the deepest withdraws that cause me so much anxiety and panic. All those thoughts like harm ocd, soocd, went threw the roof. Never been the same since, started having nightmares and threw panic I even got tocd. It’s probably the worst thing I ever went threw I just hope for the old me to come back. Doesn’t help I didn’t start erp just yet so I tried to out think this, but failed which made my ocd worse. I pray this gets fixed cause it feels like my life was swept under my feet. How long have you had struggled?

@Anonymous I’m proud of you for working on your alcohol! I feel like a veteran. I’ve been panicking about this for 3.5 years. Some days it’s fine and some days (when I’m stressed, it’s severe). I’m at a fork in my life and I’m a perfectionist, so I terrified of making “the wrong decision”. My husband and I got married 1.5 years ago, and we want to start trying for kids. We got thrown into the house buying process, and some other big events recently and my ocd has exploded. Tbh, I have a very colorful family life even though I have a desk job and appear well adjusted and nice. I’ve had a cousin die by suicide, parents divorced, dad had a family secret of being trans, and I would be fair to say a narcisstic mother who was not nurturing or a “safe” person for me emotionally. I emotionally parented my dad for years. So I know I have heavy baggage. That’s why the ONE person that’s stuck around for me, and my brain says NO you can’t have him, makes me suicidal some days. It’s so wild bc if you saw me in public, you’d have no idea. One part of me wants to run away FAR, and the other part, desperately ones to stay and snuggle into a life with him. It’s truly tearing me apart. I do not want to live without him. I love him so much. 🩷

@Anonymous I also struggle with ROCD, Suicidal, existential, you name it

@Anonymousesti There’s times where I really think I’m just bi, and I’m very ok with that. He is too. I just am so fearful to turn out to be a lesbian and not like him at all. I would be beyond devastated to lose him. I went to a meditation yoga last night and they give you cards at the end of the night. I got an acceptance card. I nervously started looking at other peoples cards to see what they got. They honestly all seemed pretty usual, “transformation” “open to change” like any one of those could be applied to my situation. I just wake up so anxious because it’s another day of dealing with this. I keep getting these feels that I want to run away. And I won’t, but I don’t know how else to heal this. I’m so frozen. I feel like I’m the odd one out and it’s just true for me.

@Ditto - I really relate to your last sentence. And i’ve had this ever since I can remember! Even when we’re happy and “in love” I feel like something is missing like im not in love enough.. I dont know if you get it! But yea that “ something missing” sent me through spirals many times because I read that a lot of women who came out after felt that way… anyways you’re not alone!

@Anonymousesti Yes, I relate to that. It’s odd because I feel safe and protected with him and I value his intellect, and find him very cute and love kissing on him a lot. He often has to ask for space because I’m so kissy. I’m like “am I acting?!?” Because I’m a really good actress then 😭 My sex drive has been so high since I got my IUD out. I asked if we could use condoms again because I’m not in the place mentally for a baby. I want kids yes, but I think right now, I need to get through stuff mentally.

@Anonymousesti I’m sorry if this is tmi, but I like the feeling of “his parts” 😅. Which soothed me for a long time. Then I realized that girls use strap ons. And I’ve always been soothed by the fact I don’t like watching girl on girl porn. I am really trying to not watch it anymore, I’d watch a few times a week/month, but I only like male/female stuff. It’s so confusing.

@Anonymousesti I also keep getting so much “child free” content on social media it’s making me so mad. I haven’t sought it out at all and I don’t like reading their posts. I feel like the algorithm knows I’m anxious and is trying to tell me not to want kids. I’m not paranoid about it but I’ve noticed it keeps coming up even though I say I don’t want child free content on my feed!

@Ditto - Omg I feel the exact same way! Tho sometimes I do disconnect when kissing or when being intimate. And I do get you for the kids!

@Anonymousesti How long have you been with your partner? Sorry if you’ve already mentioned

@Ditto - I’ve been with him for almost 6 years! What about you?

@Anonymousesti We’ve been together for 5.5 but we’ve been “together” haha for about 8.5!