Why is this bothering me so much?

I’ve got ocd (lol obs) and I’ve always had it, and I’ve tried to tell my mom so many times. I’m 17, and for years I’ve had so many horrific (what I call) flare ups. And it sometimes feels like a bingo game w the amount of types I’ve had. Sometimes I really do just wish I could go to my mom and say “mom I’ve got ocd and it’s really bad atm and I just wanna be okay again because I know it’s ocd but I’m sick of it being there can I please please get some help please it’s not okay please get me some help.” The ironic part is she’s a frigging nurse. And she must just be in some kinda denial. I’m just kinda waiting for this part to pass, I’ve made it 17 years w nobody to help me. I’ve only just told my friends what it’s like but I said things that weren’t currently in my flare up. I swear I’m on the verge of being sectioned for psychosis at this point. But I have made it this far- it will go away at some point on its own. But why won’t my mom help me. Why’s she so defensive- (I know why just like “why oh why won’t she. Yk?) but she’s so blinded by no no it’s all okay everything is okay. I’m sat in my room thinking the only way I could make her see- mom I rly am not okay is if I k*//ed myself. Like, then she’ll be like “…ohhh so she wasn’t okaaay” 💀🥹 if any one person could read this, and just type that it’s okay or something not as obs and generic as “it’s okay” but like just something to show someone’s listened. Thanks. I’ll ignore my trust issues, it’s an ocd app we’re all out here struggling but thanks x🤍🤌

Tomorrow is my bday I don’t feel like celebrating because every year I m still struggling with my mental health no changes whatsoever I tried so hard and still stuck with health ocd and other issue is like a never ending cycle right now I m having some health issue which made my ocd even worse why I can’t just be happy and normal and I nipt life without ocd why I m no living I m surviving and is so exhausting

I can’t stop crying because I can’t find joy in anything. I’m trying to distract my mind before I have my 15 min, free phone call tomorrow but I just keep crying. I hate this feeling so much, I want to go to my mom and ask for reassurance that I’m okay and I’ll be fine but I don’t want her to ask me what I’ve been thinking lately. I’m afraid it’ll cause me an even bigger panic attack or something. My brain is searching for some type of reassurance that I’ll be okay, but I can’t find it. I keep thinking no one will understand me and that they’ll think I’m crazy. Anyways, I’ll try to sleep.