Why is this bothering me so much?

I don’t know if I forgot my good memories or just didn’t have them to begin with. My parents are good people. They are really laid back and understanding. They help whenever I need it and always support me financially. I can only remember one good memory with my dad from when I was 5. Everything else is blurry besides the stressful memory’s . This made me wonder if I had a good childhood. They were pretty busy with there full time jobs growing up so I don’t remember seeing them after school most days. This could explain why my memory is so blurry. I can’t recall specifics but I can remember my overall state of mind. I remember being 5 and feeling happy and stable when my family lived in Florida. When we moved to Georgia I remember feeling more restless and frustrated. I was a very talkative child and I would try to talk to everyone but I never really had friends. I had undiagnosed ADHD so I was pretty annoying as a kid unlike my brother who was polite and smart and even a child model. As a child I would pick fights with him all the time. I think my mom favored him but I also think my dad favors me so ig that a win. I remember hitting my brother a lot because I knew my dad would kill him if he hit me back. My mom would call me a brat all the time to make my brother feel better. It feels like at the time she might’ve resented me for what I did to him. She didn’t really do anything fun with me one on one I think but I really can’t remember . She put me into a bunch of extra afterschool things that I’m sure costed a ton of money. I was never really good or talented at anything tho so I wasn’t really enjoying myself. This is already a lot of word so imma rap this up. I later find out that my brother and my mom would talk everyday when she came home from work before he went to sleep. He says she treated him like a therapist and he didn’t appreciate it. But I feel jealous because I remember trying to talk to her when she came home from work but she would lose her patience after o few sentences of me talking. Now that I’m 18 my brother doesn’t answer her calls and im going hiking with her tommorow. She changed when I got older and nows she’s desperate for my attention because she feels like a bad mom. I love my mom and looking forward to our hike tomorrow.

Early this morning, my mom and I had a really, really long discussion. We talked about a lot, but it eventually led to me. She said that because of her past relationships, which she feels like involved some sort of power struggle, sometimes if I hug her too often, she gets uncomfortable/anxious. For context, before my parents (mom or dad) go anywhere, I'll say goodbye, I love you, and give them a quick hug or two. Even if I'm just going upstairs or walking away from a conversation! I've done this since I was little. It might've been a compulsion back then, but it's just habit now. But a couple of months ago, when I was in a really dark place due to OCD, I'd give my mom really long hugs because I just wanted comfort during that point in time. Unfortunately, it ended up stressing my mom out, and she pushed me away once and said it was weird or uncomfortable when I hugged her because it didn't feel genuine. That really hurt to be rejected like that, and then later, my sister told me my mom complained about me in the car about how it felt like I was draining the energy from her and annoying. Which... That hurt, too. But I mainly felt guilt because that wasn't my intention at all, and I've since tried my best not to hug her as often. So when she brought it up again today, she said she feels like she's experiencing a power struggle with me and that when I was younger, she said she felt like everything had to be on my terms. The context behind that is due to me being a really anxious child (and baby). I'd wake her up because I'd get really bad anxiety at night and panic, and she said it was really exhausting and that she's never known what to do with me. Then she went on to tell me really private details about my father and hers marriage (they've been divorced since I was little), and how that's affected her, and I just felt really uncomfortable. Like I want to be respect her boundaries, and I don't want to make her uncomfortable, but... I don't know what to do with all of this...? I didn't need to know those details about her and my father, and I feel really disgusting inside. And also guilty because my dad doesn't know that I know any of these things now, and I'm overwhelmed. I talked to my dad and his girlfriend about it, and I just started crying. I just feel so... Ugh :( They both comforted me, and my dad said that my mom's always struggled with physical affection and that I shouldn't take it personally. But it hurts to be rejected by a parent like that. I've tried the best I can to be understanding and supportive with her, but it just felt like she's seen me as a burden or something unfixable. If you read this far, thank you so much. I'm just really struggling to process this. I felt better after talking with my dad, but once he went to bed and I went back to my room, I just broke down.

I turned 20 years old today. Ive been reflecting a lot. Since ive joined this app ive been an ever changing person. Which is good i want to change i want to be good but i still feel the same inside. Especially when i feel like this. Feel of dread an anxiety. This sense of foreboding i hate. I just feel so sad. I didn’t have good teenage years. Ive just been sad since it began and now thats its over i dont know what to expect. Im scared. Im no longer a child im a full fledged adult. Everything feels so far away but everything still hurts. Im scared for my future but looking ahead at the same time. What do i do now that im 20? Do i drop my interests? Move out? I dont know i feel like i need to do something. I dont want to spiral but i feel so much dread. I dont know what to do.