@BrownBunE - So when OCD was at its worst for me, I decided to get help. It is important to remember that OCD is medical condition, the same way diabetes is. The difference is that the brain can be re-wired by correcting our thinking. But sometimes our brain is in such a state of imbalance that its helpful to take medication or do therapy so that we can start to think correctly again....here is a snippet from my book that I hope you find helpful:
Suppose that an all-healing medicine could be given for any disease on the planet. You know it, and all you have to do is use your needle to inject the liquid into your bloodstream. Unfortunately, your needle is defective. Sometimes, the injection goes through smoothly, but 99% of the time, you end up with a malfunction that hinders the injection process. You are unaware of the defect, so you seek advice. You approach your friends and say, “I’m not feeling so well, and I can’t seem to get better.” Their response is, “If only you’d take the medicine, you’d be better in a matter of days!” So, you take their advice, and try the injection 50 more times throughout the next week, yet you never get better. This leads you to conclude that you’re the one “doing something wrong,” and you feel so guilty and overwhelmed you don’t know what to do.
This is how I lived in 2002, when I felt so condemned by my own thoughts that I was convinced even praying was a sin. Those around me said, “You need to just spend time with God. He is all- knowing and all-powerful, and He loves you and will change how you feel if you just trust Him.” I would take the advice and try to spend time meditating on God’s Word, only to feel more confused and condemned.
I felt as if I was looking through a doorway where I could see the immeasurable peace and joy of an infinitely loving God. I walked toward the doorway, only to be met by an invisible wall made of glass shards; I was left with a scratched-up face and was badly jarred by the experience. However, I could still see what the other side had to offer, so I brushed myself off and tried to walk through the doorway—over and over again. The harder I approached the doorway, the more the shards cut me. It wasn’t a lack of faith or Bible knowledge causing the separation; it was a chemical imbalance that got me so wrapped up in “what-if” scenarios that I began to lose sight of reality.
People need a certain level of mental health to correctly perceive how they are to walk in step with the Spirit of God. I had a willing spirit but a broken brain. With the admonition to “just trust God more; He is faithful,” I would think along these lines:
“Well, what that person is saying definitely makes sense according to my understanding of Scripture. However, because I’m in such terrible sin, my understanding of God’s Word is so skewed that there is a chance I am misunderstanding His Word. To make things right, I need to repent. However, I am stuck because I do not know if my understanding of what I need to do to repent is indeed correct. After all, my understanding has potentially been skewed by my sinful actions. Therefore, I cannot read the scripture to find wisdom, nor can I pray.”
I have not exaggerated these thoughts. In my diseased state of mind, I could not make a simple, God-honoring decision to pray or to read His Word. Although I fully believed in God’s ability to do anything, I thought I couldn’t possibly be in a position to receive anything from Him. The feeling of self-condemnation was so oppressive that praying seemed impossible. I was unable to believe the power of God was for me, not because of a lack of faith, but because of a confused mind. The Holy Spirit was in me, but my brain just wasn’t able to respond rationally. If we believe that we are transformed by the renewing of our minds, then I suggest we should do what we can to put our brains in as healthy a state as possible.