I’ve never had an official diagnosis but I’m in a miserable place right now. I experience terrible anxiety (usually pass out whenever I have a panic attack) but what has been bothering me is this overwhelming sense of guilt. I keep ruminating over conversations and events, so much so that I feel ashamed of everything I’ve said or done. Moreover, every time I hear, watch or read something even remotely related to a less than positive experience in my life, I feel overcome with fear and tend to escape into this make-believe world where an idealized version of myself articulately clarifies whatever I’ve said or done. All this has reached a point where I feel racked with guilt even about the few things I might’ve achieved or the happy times I’ve had in the past: can’t help but think that the only reason I experienced them is because I had the comfort and opportunities to do so (I feel like I’ve robbed someone else of their chances because I haven’t earned any of this). I’ve started feeling like I lack a moral compass, and my thoughts are torturing me. Every time I overcome one intrusive thought, another come rushes in and so forth. It’s like I want to remain miserable. I posted it here because I’ve been trying to figure out what this isn’t and from whatever I’ve read so far, the symptoms seem most like ocd. I’m planning to go to a therapist soon but feel terrified about sharing all this!

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

This is my first post & I’m terrified. I have not been officially diagnosed w ocd yet but in a nutshell - I confessed some things I felt guilty about to my husband about five months ago. ( nothing too major ) but in our past, 20+ years ago I was unfaithful and it caused a LOT of harm, which I told him all of that back when it happened. But in recent months, I started getting consumed by guilt. I couldnt eat or sleep until I finally broke one night and told him all these recent little things I felt guilty about. Acting flirty, etc. And for him it like brought back allll the trauma from 20 years ago which I didn’t know would happen. But it’s so bad. He says he wishes I never told him. But even w that, I still feel like I keep thinking of “new things “ I did in the past, thoughts I had or dreams, or conversation w an ex,things like that. Because I am a Christian I also keep feeling like it’s the Holy Spirit telling me I haven’t told him everything and I need to. But I also know God doesn’t give us a spirit of fear .. I clearly need help, but I also want Christian based help so that it’s in line w what I believe ? I can’t eat and my anxiety is so bad again - I know if I confess more things it will keep destroying him, I don’t think he really understands or believes I have ocd. Thanks if you made it this far

I have recently entered a phase of extremely obsessive thoughts of every mistake I’ve ever made. Things from over a decade ago, things that happened recently, or even things currently happening like my own thoughts and feelings that I have no control over. Ever since I was little I have been a habitual liar. For the most part, I just tell little white lies or exaggerated stories. I even lie about things that don’t matter at all, like if I’ve seen a certain movie or something. But I have also lied about some serious things, like bad things happening to me, like abuse or SA. (DISCLAIMER - I’ve never accused anyone of these things to the police or anything like that). I hate that I’ve done this and I feel so disgusted with my behavior. I’ve been obsessing over this and unable to forgive myself or feel better about doing this. I feel like such a sick human being. I know most of the reasons for why I lie—attention, sympathy, to seem more interesting, to relate to someone, or to even pretend that my life is better than it is. I never ever have any bad intentions when I lie, but I know that doesn’t mean a whole lot. Sometimes I lie so naturally that I don’t even realize it, and sometimes I lie to the point that I actually believe what I’m saying. Somethings wrong with me and I don’t want to be this way anymore. I hate myself and I feel like I’m being tortured with this guilt. I feel like I don’t deserve to ever feel better because this is a result of my own actions. I have a group of girl friends that I met online that I’ve known for about 3 years. I lied about and insinuated that bad things had happened to me to them, because I wanted to relate to them and maybe because I wanted sympathy. I was actually emotionally abused by my ex, and he did kind of get physical with me one time (if I’m remembering correctly, but my OCD doubts if that even actually happened), but I have exaggerated and said that I was abused physically. I also have portrayed my life to be completely different than it is, because I hate my life and I like to pretend that things are better than they are. In a way, I feel like it’s a form of escapism. When I talk to them, I can pretend that I’m a different person. A more interesting, less pathetic, and more relatable person. I’ve lied to them so much that I can’t even begin to remember them all, and I feel so disgusted by myself, and the guilt of this is adding onto my other debilitating guilt. I can’t stop obsessing over it and I feel like I’m an awful person for this. I feel like I don’t deserve to feel better. I’m unable to function, and I can’t forgive myself no matter what. I know that if I confess to them, they’ll be disgusted by my behavior and not want to speak to me again. Especially because I lied about things that are so sensitive. And they’re perfectly within their right to feel that way and to reject me. I don’t know if I can handle the rejection and stress of confessing at this moment in time. I also just can’t even remember all of my lies. But if I keep talking to them, I’ll have to upkeep my lies, and I know I’ll never get better if I keep having to lie. None of my lies have caused them any actual harm, most of my lies are harmless, and it’s not like I’ll ever actually meet them in person, but I feel like I’ve gone against my morals, and I know that it was wrong. Even though my ex is an awful person and put me through hell, I feel bad that I’ve told these girls online that he’d abused me when he actually hasn’t (other than the one time he sorta got physical with me). He even has been going around telling people things about me and degrading me, and this has been going on for nearly 10 years. But I know it was wrong to lie about that regardless of what he’s done or what he’s actively doing to me. The girls don’t have his full name or info or anything like that, they just know his first name and that he’s my ex and that he “physically abused” me. I don’t ever lie out of malice. My dad is a pathological liar and he’s never received help, and I feel like I’ve learned his behavior. I especially feel bad because one of my online friends gave me an extremely expensive gift for my birthday last October, and I didn’t ask for it or anything or manipulate her into giving it to me, but I feel awful that she gave me a gift when I’ve lied about so many things. It’s also not something I can give back since it was an online thing, and I genuinely don’t have the money to pay her back. I feel like I’ve been living a lie and that it’s unfair to them. I am so so scared to tell the truth. I think I’d be less scared if I was only admitting it to one person, but I’d be admitting it to three. I know that they’ll think I’m terrible, disgusting, and that they’ll hate me, and then they’ll probably talk about how awful I am with each other. Which is perfectly justified. I just am so scared of it. I’m in a really bad state of mind. I can’t function and all I do all day is lay around and obsess over all my mistakes. I know the lying is out of my control to a certain extent and that I have a problem and mental illness, but I still can’t forgive myself. I feel disgusting and awful and like I’m a bad person and no matter what I do, I’m reminded of it. I feel like I’m going crazy and that I deserve to feel this way for what I’ve done. And I feel hopeless because I feel like I won’t ever feel better from this unbearable state unless I confess, but I really don’t feel like I’m ready. Every day I become more and more certain that I’m terrible.