Friendship/Obsessive Searching

I posted about this yesterday but I feel like I’m in an extremely obsessive cycle right now. So basically I started college and moved into dorms. My roommate and I were cool at first then began to experience some issues. Mainly codependency on both ends. So I pulled back to regain control of my emotions and also to make better decisions since I don’t want codependent friendship. I did this with the help and guidance of my therapist. I have also been in therapy for almost two years. So today, my friend seems bothered in class bc she has her nursing cohort in class and Idk if she wanted to go talk to them rather than me or what she wanted to do but she usually says bye to me after class and she just got up and left. Which was odd to me. She then was super silent later in when she got home to the dorms so I asked if wverhtbing was ok she said yeah and said she had a headache. While that may be true she hadn’t been quiet toward me or like that in the past. So anyways I’ve been in an obsessive cycle of trying to “find answers” as to what’s wrong with me and why I struggled in friendship my whole life. Why I’ve chosen some unkind friends before. I have searched the internet up and down trying to figure out what is “wrong with me” and see if I’m unliksble or if there’s traits that need “fixing” so I can be liked better. This also enables me to go into perfectionist mode and remind myself of all the flaws I have and try to fix them. It’s exhausting and tiring. I’ve done some major work on myself in therapy these past two years and have actually made drastic changes, yet I still sometimes feel like why haven’t I mad decent good friends, and why am I feeling like a bad person all the time even when I’ve improved a lot of things. Any advice. Is this a compulsion?? I feel like it is bc my brain freaken hurts and I feel like I am looping. I got home around 4:30 today and have been on the intnernt for four hours searching smh.

Username: madeleckmadeleck

Date posted: 43w ago

Googling is a classic compulsion. Don’t google anymore — just resist. Helps to remind yourself that your situation is unique and nobody on the internet can speak to it. There is nothing wrong with you, and making friends in college is hard and scary — people don’t seem to talk about it because it doesn’t fit into the image that we have in our heads of college, but it’s absolutely true, and something almost everybody I know has gone through. First and foremost, stop googling. Then, try to remind yourself that any friendship worth having won’t end over something that you can’t even identify. Also, try to remember that in a week, you’ll know more. You can’t rush the process of knowing more. Let time heal the situation, and reveal what needs to be revealed. In the meantime, try your hardest to focus on something else that matters to you — schoolwork, a movie, a book, even making a new friend. If the thoughts keep coming to you, listen to them, and accept them: maybe your friend is mad at you, but there is nothing to be done about it until she says so. You will get through this rough patch!

Username: AhsjdiviwajdjdjjcAhsjdiviwajd...

Date posted: 43w ago

@madeleck This definitely makes a lot of sense. I’ve met a lot of new people and trying to foster some friendships but I feel like it will take a while. Me and this roommate have only known each other for a month, so idk that me and her will be long term friends but I’m ok if she’s just a seasonal friend bc she can teach me something about life and about myself. I think I just have this obsessive worry that I will never have a best friend. I’ve had best friends before and have had fluctuations in friends but no like childhood or long term friend. However, I wasn’t really taugh what healthy friendship was, and so now I’m learning so many friends I made growing up weren’t nice to me so there was no reason to continue being friends once I got into therapy because I realized now I was being used. However, some other friendships have also ended In them being jealous about me working out or just having a certain lifestyle which was weird to me. I know I’m not perfect but I do try to communicate and resolve issues. I have my own faults just like anyone. It’s so true about college. A lot of ppl will tell me they felt that way before but won’t tell it out loud bc supposedly in college wer are supposed to effortlessly make all these friends which isn’t always very true. But I continue questioning like why are all these other areas of my life improving since therapy yet the friendship part is still struggling. My therapist told me this slogan to remmeber: “friends are seasons, reasons, or lifetime” and he said most them are a season or reason. And that blew my mind cause culture always tells us otherwise especially when I get on IG and everyone looks like they are so happy and have all these suppose friends

Username: madeleckmadeleck

Date posted: 43w ago

@Ahsjdiviwajdjdjjc I totally understand! I didn’t have anyone I considered a best friend until 2nd year of university, and now I feel I’ve got 3 or 4 people in 4th year. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that you can’t rush or predict these things. I think lasting, deep friendships are based on chemistry and shared values between both people, meaning that no amount of work on yourself can make them happen if the people you meet aren’t in the same place as you. But if you are good, and kind, and reach out to people, you absolutely will find lifelong friends, and usually in some of the most unexpected places. I remember comparing myself to people all the time, and then when I actually saw those friends interact, I realized that they were not very good to each other. From what it sounds like to me, you just have healthy and high standards for who you will consider a lifelong friend. While that makes it more challenging to find the right people, it will be so so rewarding when you do. Be loving, and eventually, love will come back to you! ❤️

Username: Bytheocean Bytheocean

Date posted: 43w ago

Hey there. So to me it sounds like maybe you’ve had people in your life (most likely when you were little) that caused you to go into a fight/flight mode (walking on eggshells to protect from their behavior) in order to stay “safe” - which can look like more than physical safety, it can be mental too. So, unless you rewire your brain, you just seem to always function like this with all your relationships- checking to make sure everything is ok. And if it is not like it normally is (which “normal” looks different to everyone, remember that) then you automatically go to the “oh crap, what did I do?!” place. My husband who was like this when we were first together and after a lot of communication and reminders that everything was ok, his brain formed new grooves (like having to break an old habit, it takes time). He doesn’t automatically assume something is wrong if I’m quiet or aloof or upset. My honest advice would be, journal. Remind yourself it isn’t you. And if it is they’ll be a friend enough and talk to you about it. But journal it out. Break the habit and form a new habit groove in the ol brain that says, nope it isn’t about me. I know you can do it! <3 and remember it’s going to take consistency and time.

Username: AhsjdiviwajdjdjjcAhsjdiviwajd...

Date posted: 43w ago

@Bytheocean Wow this was so helpful and super consistent with what my therapist has been explaining. I definitely did not feel safe as a child mentally and physically. My whole entire childhood was walking on eggshells and definitely have severe childhood trauma. It was a reassuring to see this because it made me realize I don’t need try to control or make other people happy or feel better. Especially when I didn’t do anything. And not that I’m perfect but I typically very nice bc of this same desire to be liked which also came from that unstable childhood. I love to journal and will definitely be journaling tonight. I’m trying to make daily journaling a habit but usually journal once a week right now. Thank you for taking the time to read the post and respond kindly. It was so helpful

Username: Bytheocean Bytheocean

Date posted: 43w ago

@Ahsjdiviwajdjdjjc You’re very welcome!!

Username: hannah

Date posted: 3y ago

Hey guys so i wanted to see if this could possibly be ocd or maybe something else idk lol and im not trying to like get reassurance km just curious cuz i’ve never thought about this until now. So my whole life especially recently since i’ve moved to college, i always analyze whether or not i fit in with people. I’ve always been pretty hard on myself my whole life aboit feeling different than my friends or just feeling like i don’t understand how everyone can just be themselves so easily and not anxious or how i think people are just more likable than me. i don’t know if that makes any sense, but i feel like i’ll hang out with a group of girls and then afterwords i’ll be like why do i feel like i wasn’t the same as them or why do i feel like they’re better than me etc. just constantly trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and why im different then them. I think that may have been ocd itself or maybe not im not sure. recently i’ve been struggling with trans ocd and my mind often likes to think back to that and how my whole life i’ve kinda worried about how i felt different than all the other girls . it scares me cuz it makes me think that maybe i really am not a girl and i just haven’t realized it until now. but now im realizing that those worries from my whole life might have just been ocd to begin with. idk if any of this makes any sense and im just rambling on and on but im just curious to see what u guys think

Username: TofuIndulger

Date posted: 1y ago

Stuck

Hey everyone. This is my first post here and it’s probably going to be a long one because I guess I feel comfortable enough to be open here. I need help. When I first got diagnosed with OCD, I figured it only impacted a small part of my life. I thought I was only affected with compulsions and obsessions that dealt with contamination, tangible perfectionism and the obvious intrusive thoughts and that’s it. Well, I’ve come to realize that most of my thinking has been impacted by OCD. At this point the only way to describe how it feels to me is a forest of thorny vines growing in place of my mind or maybe through and around my brain constantly growing every-time I give into this type of thinking (which is basically all the time because I wasn’t aware this was OCD). I’ve definitely felt it more recently, but I know it’s always been there from what I recall from past memories. I got diagnosed not so long ago with OCD and I was happy to because it explained this thing I knew was wrong with me but I didn’t know how much it will and has impacted me in the past. So, I think I’ve created a matrix in my mind or strengthened the OCD thought patterns because now I feel like my OCD impacts everything I do. And I guess I’m saying I need help here because maybe you guys will be able to see it, maybe validate me and point me where I can get help. I’ve been telling the people around me, I think my thinking is disordered and I need help but I don’t think they really understand the amount it’s affecting me or grasp what I meant when I say “I Need Help”. I did have a therapist before but because of a insurance change, she can’t work with me anymore and I’m not sure when I’ll get another (just to clarify). Back to the matter, the past couple of months I’ve been in my head just thinking and thinking. About everything. To the point where my head starts to hurt or until I feel sick of thinking about it but I can’t. I find that’s my obsessions and compulsions (other than the need for order [which can also be mental]) are very mentally based and I find myself ashamed of them so I hide them so maybe that’s why the people around me don’t feel my need for getting help as much as I do. Anyways, examples of this have been, -constantly thinking about what’s the purpose of all of life and the hidden messages in life -feeling like if I don’t do everything perfectly then what the point or being very mad at myself -being obsessed with how I present to the rest of the world sometimes even in close relationships -having calculated movements and actions (having to move my body a certain way or it doesn’t feel right) -obsessing over an absolute truth -questioning friendships and other relationships - obsessing over achievements or failures -obsessing over people -obsessing over decisions and outcomes because I want to make the perfect decisions I could go on and on but basically it’s just a lot of thinking and ruminating and obsessing to the point where people tell me I look like I’m some where else all the time. And I’ve started to feel like I find comfort in it now. I’m also diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I feel like it’s all just OCD. And same goes for my dissociation. I feel like they all root from my OCD. I’m so tired of feeling like this all the time and without my therapist I feel like I’m stuck here. I can’t make decisions, I’m never present, I can’t make or keep friendships/ relationships, everything impacts me deeply because I create a emotional obsession to it, I can’t just be without questioning everything and I’m constantly in my head. I’ve also started getting high all the time because I feel like it’s the only way to escape my brain but I’ve felt like it’s getting out of hand. I’m starting to lose in any type of hope of getting better. Does anyone have an advice for working on OCD by yourself or identifying when it’s OCD (especially mental obsessions and compulsions) so I can start to chip at this boulder that’s weighing down my life and energy?

Username: ninjastone

Date posted: 47w ago

I deal with Obsession (with how I affect others)

Truthfully i am just so exhausted from being obsessed with how I affect others in my life. I am constantly questioning if I make their lives better or worse and why. I'm an extrovert and if it seems like I'm positively affecting people when I socialize, I feel on top of the world. But when I can't improve someone's mood when I talk to them I feel depressed and drained. I have this belief that I am intrinsically awful and harmful to be around and I have to be extra helpful and cheerful to make up for it. I think about the problems that everyone in my life struggles with and convince myself that I am the cause of it or making them worse. I isolate, believing I am harmful to others and I am sparing them. When they feel neglected, I panic because I caused them harm when I was trying to save them. I don't want to live like this anymore. In some ways it was easier when I was alone. I just can't stop obsessing about my loved ones in this way. I almost begin to crave abandonment because at least the thoughts would stop coming. Does that make me a bad person? I don't really actually want to be abandoned by my loved ones, but at least I know how to handle abandonment. I don't know how to handle normal loving relationships.

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Friendship/Obsessive Searching

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