Hi all - so over a period of nearly eight years, I have experienced intense ROCD (relationship OCD) with my partner. Last week we got engaged, this wasn't a huge surprise as we were talking about it for months in advance. My intrusive thoughts tend to flare up really badly in times of change, even positive change. When we graduated university, when we moved to our flat, and when I started my job are all times I've had flare ups so the fact that I'm having another flare up now shouldn't have come as a shock - but I'm finding it so hard to cope with. The night of our engagement, after about five mins of initial anxiety from the shock, I was on cloud nine and couldn't wait to tell friends and family and begin planning our wedding. However, the next day, the rumination began. "Have I made a terrible mistake, do I really love him, am I just settling, everyone is so happy for us but I'm faking my emotions, if we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives together I should be happy, not anxious, etc." this has totally ruined our first week of what should be the happiest time of our lives. There are zero red flags in our relationship, in fact, the night before we got engaged I remember thinking to myself that I had honestly never been happier. I'm super lucky in that my partner knows about my anxiety, is so thoughtful, and has been constantly reassuring me that all will be well, we've been here before countless times and have always come through. My parents and best friends have also been super supportive as they know what my triggers are, and I've had some lovely messages from them. I'm looking for good coping mechanisms for how to deal with the thoughts and stop putting pressure on myself, as I'm currently stuck in that horrid cycle of endless reassurance and spikes and it's doing me no good at all. Can anyone who has ever been in a similar situation help? X

First of all, congratulations. Second of all - you basically have my exact story. We got engaged after 8 years ( have been married now for 6) and I’ve struggled the whole time... major changes kill me too... there are no red flags either - my rocd THINKS there are ( he’s not attractive enough, funny enough, we don’t “laugh enough”, yada yada. I have HOCD too so that’s lovely as well. I’ve been doing ERP for the last year... it’s not easy, but it has helped me slowly recognize and separate myself from the disorder. All I can really say is - I feel your pain. It’s horrible. But just plug through. Let the thoughts be there. Try to continue on with your day. Don’t avoid anything..don’t ask for reassurance...try not to compare yourself with other couples. Try not to “check” your feelings. These are all compulsions that only serve by offering you temporary relief while fueling the ocd monster. Hang in there!!!

Oh how I understand both of you! 7.5 years into my relationship, and the thought of marriage feels like I can’t breathe properly, even though my partner is the kindest person I’ve ever met in my life (and also highly anxious and also suffers from a bit of ROCD, imagine that - 2 of us in the same relationship!). Have you heard of the website conscious transitions? Google it, Sheryl Paul is brilliant and her site is for rocd as well as anxious brides/grooms to be. One thing I’ve found I used to do was feel relief when I felt good and would think ‘oh wow all that bad stuff is over, I never have to feel like that again!’, then the cycle starts again, and I go through ‘I can’t live like this forever, I’m better off alone’. I think having the realisation I might bounce back and forth between both of those and trying to accept that takes some of the pressure off when I feel bad. It’s hard, but like XTina said just continue with your day. I also love listening to Oprah’s podcasts with Eckhart Tolle, he has YouTube videos as well.

Queenvic: Congratulations! How did you all manage to stay in the relationship and make the best of it? I’m currently experiencing ROCD/HOCD and I feel like I’m going to burst and end my relationship. This is the first healthy relationship I’ve ever had and I feel like I’m trying to sabotage it.

My story! Except I have hocd too.