Why can't I manage my OCD despite knowing how to help myself?

What's going on here?

What makes me feel the craziest, is that I feel like I know enough thanks to my having to research and Google everything..... like, I'm a sophomore in college... I am majoring in Psychology. Because the human mind (like mine) is so interesting. So like, I will talk to myself. Quietly with my thoughts AND even out loud. What trips me out is that I Swear that I have full therapy sessions with myself. I know my OCD is the cause of me having to keep questioning myself and trying to figure out why I'm this way and how to get better and what can I do to end this hell I live in inside my mind. I have made note of being able to provide myself with suggestions and advice and info on things to do that can help counter and deal with my OCD to where i can be more functional. It really pulls me into an intense standstill Because it's like I know the answer and I know what I need to do... but I have to always end it with how i must not care how insane and crazy I am because if I know what I can do to help manage and keep my OCD at ease, then why can't I? It pulls me into this spiral where I then question what I know. Or if I have some sort of split personality. I'm always checking and researching things that I already know, just so I can find reassurance. I will ask Alexa stupid questions I know the answer to, like "whats the definition of _____" when I know what the meaning is, but I want to make sure. I'm always feeling as if I could be wrong in everything I think I know.... I get stuck for hours replaying events and situations or something said or done and try to think of every possible reason why, or possible outcomes. I can not communicate effectively because I sound crazy to myself, how is the other person thinking I'm normal? I get lost and stuck for hours in my own head... "circling" as i call it, or what I recently read as a ping pong game. My best friend committed suicide in 2019, by "hanging" to where I became obsessed with suicide, learning all about hanging to where I know things like short-drop and either you suffer or just pass out. Not just that but then I want to know how she was in her last moments. (I would hope she just passed out... I hate knowing she was in any pain). This lead me to become obsessed with the spirit world and started doing spirit box sessions again because I want to talk to her. (Which has me confused between I know I might hear some things because I want to... but also feel that because of that, I need clear responses). I am just in constant battle with my own self. I'm always fighting my own self. I'm my own worst enemy... but my own friend and therapist and teacher and etc. This is really really difficult. And I hope I am not alone in this. I don't even know exactly what subtypes and themes i deal with because there's many, and because everything has to be exactly what it's supposed to be, that if one "trait" doesn't fall under that category, that there must be something I am missing. This is exhausting 😞

Username: @sophiaevidal@sophiaevidal

Date posted: 37w ago

You are definitely not alone in this! I have dealt for OCD with a little over a year now. Therapy has not worked for me unfortunately as I have not found the right therapist for me. But try to reach out to a therapist if you can as it can help. Medication though has helped me so you could reach out to a psychiatrist also.

Username: ShellcatShellcat

Date posted: 37w ago

OCD is also referred to as the doubting disorder. We might be sure of something but OCD is putting doubt in our minds.

Username: BrieceeBriecee

Date posted: 37w ago

I believe it. I like to tell people my mind loves lying to me

Username: Chickens_FrogsChickens_Frogs

Date posted: 37w ago

Your not alone. I did something similar when my cousin committed suicide in 2019. Back then, I had a really angry response to it and didn’t go into some thought loop on it. I thought about her a lot even before the suicide. We had lost touch over the years and I had lots of regrets. Fast forward to a depressive episode a year ago and I became obsessed thinking about her. I would have these thoughts just random picturing her going in the bathroom and doing it like I was right there watching it. It’s like I could feel the pain. It was weird and even though I would never do that it was something I could not shake thinking about. Meds helped me and therapy but probably my brain just exhausted itself on the issue. I was closing that chapter. Nobody really knows why she did it. She took that to her grave. It’s not helpful In my life to waste mental energy on something I will never get answers to not could change. Side note, right as I closed that thought loop I was going through some old papers and came across letters from her. She was trying to cheer me up in the letters because I had to move back home due to failing as an adult at first then she kept going on about how great I was etc. It was a really fitting end to the whole thing.

Username: BrieceeBriecee

Date posted: 37w ago

Yeah I can understand what you mean by where your mind drags u through them doing it as if we're watching it. I became obsessed with my friend too. And the thoughts of watching her doing it and possibly going through all the physical pain with the emotional it was hard but I was able to at some point not obsess over it anymore. But I don't know what I did because I didn't know I even had OCD yet.

Username: PercyWilliams44PercyWilliams44

Date posted: 37w ago

hey there, i can't imagine how exhausting and overwhelming it must feel to be in this constant battle with your thoughts and questioning everything, even the things you know. it sounds incredibly tough, especially with the pain of losing your best friend adding to it. you're definitely not alone in this struggle. 💔 i deal with a different ocd theme myself, so i might not fully grasp what you're going through, but i've found some tools that could be helpful for you too. there's this app called "unstuck ocd therapy tools" that my local ocd support group recommended. it offers ai-personalized guidance and exercises exactly when you need them, which might help you break out of those intense spirals. also, the ocd stories podcast has been a game-changer for me; hearing others share their experiences and insights can be really comforting and enlightening.

Username: BrieceeBriecee

Date posted: 37w ago

Thank you. I definitely am going to check that app out.

Username: meg615

Date posted: 5y ago

I know any reassurance I get does not satisfy, it keeps coming back. Even if I think I have an answer, even if the answer is that I don’t have the answers and that’s okay, it does not last. The ocd will find a way to come back and make me question. But I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD still, I have gone through an eating disorder and severe malnourishment... and chemo. So I wouldn’t be surprised if my brain is just tired, exhausted, and trying to repair itself and my entire body. But even before all of that, I struggled with my brain. Someone would turn on a light switch, and my mind would be thrown completely off and I’d panic, if someone opened a door, my mind was thrown off, the color of the sky didn’t feel right, something didn’t feel right. And I spent hours to full days being thrown off and wondering why. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. And still to this day I don’t understand. I do not know if it’s OCD. My mind feels broken. I can’t concentrate and I can’t seem to focus on anything without feeling like I’m missing something and I have to figure something out and something is wrong. Not sure what the purpose of my writing this is, I guess I’m just processing some. If anyone has any thoughts, I’d love to hear:)

Username: 12345678910

Date posted: 1y ago

depersonalization and fear of going crazy

hi! I really need someone to help out right now. I would appreciate it so much. Thanks:) I know this is kind of long, but please help me out and read it. please help confirm for me that the symptoms im experiencing are just extreme existential OCD, depersonalization, and anxiety. it would make me feel a lot better. 7-8 months ago a traumatic event led me to experience severe depersonalization. ive had OCD for as long as i can remember basically, but it’s become a lot worse from this. i am a very big overthinker, so i tend to over analyze a lot of the things going on around me, my perception of everything, my thoughts, etc. it’s gotten so bad because of the depersonalization that i at times really can’t function anymore. one day, all i’ll be able to think about is the irrational fear that i somehow am going to die and there’s something terribly wrong with my brain, like cancer or something. then the next, i’ll be freaking out, worrying that im gonna go crazy. like this is some kind of early onset schizophrenia. i start doing research and i start obsessing over each and every thought i have, everything i see, etc. then i’ll be paranoid about my family, worrying that none of them are real and they’re imposters or something. i know it’s irrational. i recognize that and don’t genuinely believe it. but the fact that this thought worries me concerns me even more because it leads me to believe im going crazy. i am having existential crises regularly. like, all the time. it’s actually ridiculous. i’ll be reading a book and i start contemplating the English language and how it came to be, and then language altogether, and then how humans were able to create and understand language, and then how they were able to sound it out, how sound exists altogether, and so on. lol. like what the hell? a few days ago i was looking out of my bedroom window, and all the sudden had the intrusive thought come into my head, “what if this is just a simulation and what you see outside of your window is merely a two dimensional image?” and then i almost had a full on panic attack. anyways, those are some examples. i’m so worried. i feel like i have no control over what freaks me out anymore. i feel like i have no control of my brain altogether. i don’t want to go crazy. i don’t want to feel like im stuck in a dream anymore. im so scared. somebody please help me. i live my life in fear, worrying about everything i perceive. im exhausted. i can’t tell anyone because i don’t want them to worry, or think that im going crazy. that’ll only reinforce my fears.

Username: dlcamera

Date posted: 42w ago

Another Day w/ My Thoughts

I’ve only recently discovered that I have developed Health Concern OCD, Existential OCD and Somatic OCD. There’s a lot going on in my head all the time. In the past year, specifically the last few months, I’ve had the same recurring thoughts: -How were humans created to breathe? It’s crazy how our bodies can breathe on its own while we sleep. It’s not something anyone should ever think about yet I always think about the way I breathe, if I’m breathing enough, what if I randomly stop breathing or forget how to breathe? -I feel there is always something wrong with me. I have random sharp shooting pains in my chest, I experience heart palpitations frequently, I feel off balance almost every day. What if there’s something seriously wrong with me DESPITE all of the doctor’s visits, blood tests, EKGs and heart ultrasounds I’ve done in 2023 that all confirm I’m “healthy” and there is nothing wrong. What if I wake up and something is seriously wrong with me throughout the day and I come to find out I have a terminal illness? -Why do our bodies turn on us and make us sick? Why does illness strike unexpectedly? Why was I put on this earth? Where do we go and what happens when we die? What happens to our souls? Our soul is what makes us and our soul is a small little voice in our head and that voice is trusting the house (our bodies) it lives in to keep it safe and out of danger and to provide a long and healthy life/home for our soul. It’s exhausting having all of these thoughts on repeat every day. How do I make these thoughts stop!?

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Why can't I manage my OCD despite knowing how to help myself?

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