please someone listen to me

Aw Mia I go through the exact same thing I totally get where you’re coming from. There are nights I went out years ago and I’ll randomly remember it and start ruminating my exact steps I made that night where did I go why was I here- to the point where I tried to see my location on google maps from 3 years ago. And the guilt your mind makes you feel isn’t real. You just have to remind yourself to come back into the present. There’s no point in looking back and trying to remember because you will drive yourself crazy. You’re just a good person looking for a reason to punish yourself. You’re ok you’re safe x

Hi Mia, I just want to say you’re not alone. If what you’re experiencing is a real event I’d like to share this article I found helpful. I’m not totally sure how to manage it cause I too have a similar story but, I believe it is treated the same as any other theme with ERP and such. Here’s the article for your reference: https://www.turningpointpsychology.ca/blog/real-event-ocd

I can understand how upsetting this all feels. This part from your post stood out to me: "it’s like my subconscious comes out and tries to sabotage my life and go against all of my values and trys to get me to act on intrusive thoughts?" Part of why intrusive thoughts are so scary is that we're afraid that we're going to act out on them. There has been a lot of clinical studies and research done in psychology and neurology that demonstrate how we don't actually perform actions based on our thoughts. We almost invariably perform actions based on how we FEEL. Thoughts themselves don't "convince" us to do anything. I know this is hard to believe, especially when intrusive thoughts are so vivid and prominent, but that's just not how thoughts work. It's not what they're meant to do. Thoughts are the brain's way of making sense of the world. The brain is an input processing machine, and thoughts are mere SUGGESTIONS as to what information is important. They arise based on how we feel and the environment that we're in, and the conclusions derived from thought are almost always inaccurate. I can't drive this point home enough: thoughts mean NOTHING about what you actually want to do, or what you actually will end up doing. You mention that you love your girlfriend, and I think that's something worth focusing on because that's an actual feeling. Focus on how your girlfriend makes you FEEL, both emotionally and physically. Those are the signals worth listening to. As for the morality aspect of all of this, regardless of whatever happened in the past, focus on who you are right NOW. We are constantly changing, whether we realize it or not. There is no core, unchangeable self that is either "good" or "bad," because humans are a process. That's not to say that you should feel free to do whatever you want and not care about the consequences. There will always be consequences for anti-social actions. But it sounds to me like those consequences of whatever you may or may not have done have already impacted you, and at this point you're just torturing yourself. So these torturous thoughts will be there, and just remember that they don't really "mean" anything. They are simply thoughts that the brain assumes are important because of how much you try to resist them. Accept that they will arise from time-to-time, and try to focus more on what you're physically feeling as much as possible. I hope some of this helps. I feel for you!