HOCD

I have a problem maybe you guys can help, Im 27 years old and NEVER doubt that about my sexuality before, i was (i think im still) girl crazy and i have nothing against gay people i have friends how are gay, i was working nights shifts like for 3 months straight and not sleeping at all, and one day i was drinking and smoking weed, having a good time and from no where this thought that i might be gay appears, and have been struggling for about 5 months from now, i now i have a crush on this girl we are even dating but some times it thoughs feels so real like im on a denial and get depressed i used to be a happy person with out doubts about my sexuality i mean im 27 years i should have seen this coming long time ago if its real right? At this point I don't know what to do i live in a country that therapy is hard to find especially this kind im taking some medication but i need help this is taking my life and im afraid that im liying to my girlfriend, what should i do ? Is this HOCD or im on a denial? ( Sorry about my English, is not my first language)

I was doing so well with my ocd. It went away for two months and I finally felt so on top of it. I felt like recovery was right there. Now it’s back worse than ever and I just feel numb and so upset. The thoughts about being gay are back and they are so intense. I’m staring at every woman I see and her body parts and that makes me feel worse but I can’t stop it. Porn comes up on my twitter and I’m disgusted by it but I feel this need to watch it. It’s like I have too but I really don’t want too. I found lesbian porn when I was 10 years old online and I developed an addiction to it. That right there started my hocd, and I felt like I was gay. I spent all my teenage years watching the porn, and doing you know what, I also spent all those years staring at other girls wanting to look like them so badly. I think maybe that’s why I started watching lesbian porn, in my own way I just wanted to feel like a real woman and be loved by someone. Now I know i was only 10 years old but i was bullied and I never truly felt like I was accepted by kids. They laughed at my appearance and made me so sick. I stopped the lesbian porn when I turned 20. I’m now 22 and I haven’t watched it! I get urges and they make me cry and have panic attacks because I don’t want this. I’m terrified of being gay. And don’t get me wrong I’m not homophobic in the slightest. My sister is bisexual, I have also supported everyone in the lgbt and campaigned as an ally in support for them. But I don’t want to be gay. I know in my heart I am straight. And I think what makes all of this worse is I have body dysmorphia so I feel ugly and disgusting which again ties into why I think I used to watch the porn. Because I wanted to be like those girls who where effortlessly pretty. So as I said I have body dysmorphia and I’m chronically ill. So all these factors make me think that I’m never going to find a boyfriend because I feel ugly and like I’m a burden. I really needed to get all of this out because I feel so disgusting at times with my mind. My mind makes me think that I want to have a pee fetish, and watch porn, and do things to women and I don’t want that? Is there anyone else with hocd goes through this? I also have words pop into my head, like “p*ssy and other words and they are so out of the blue. I just want to feel like me again. I want to feel beautiful and in control again. I just need some help. How do I beat this? I just wanna be me.

When I was in like 3rd grade I went to a friends house and she turned on lesbian pornography. I then went home and watched it again, and again and again. This being the only pornography I have watched and “got off too”. I have always had heterosexual relationships and crushes since I was a young girl but this pornography addiction I think is what led me to SOOCD. I have always been scared of being gay and I remember telling myself when I was young when I would watch porn that “one day I have to figure this out, why do I watch this if I’m straight” and that was an ongoing question for years but I was always able to move on. So the question has always been there. But I knew I was always different. Now that I’m 20 and I’m more educated on OCD now I notice how I have always suffered from instructive thoughts just could never put a name to it. Thoughts like death, imagining scenarios and having to plan the resolution as if it will actually happen, existing ocd, all of the above. But now my SO ocd has affected every aspect of my life to where it hurts when I wakes up. And I truly question my sexuality despite loving my boyfriend of 4 years. My question is, anyone who has experienced this, how did you recover. From porn addiction and SOOCD. Does anyone have a similar experience? Please share. I feel really alone.