I’ve become terrified of the internet and technology. My biggest obsession right now is that there’s sexual videos of me on porn sites or on the internet. All it takes is one bad guy to record me secretly and put me on there. I’ve never been blackmailed or anything and it can happen to anyone but I get an urge to check because the feeling is so strong that I’m on there. I will check key words on porn hub and I’ll be relieved for a second when I don’t find anything but then I think of other things to search and then I doubt if I saw correctly. I say “what if that was me and I just overlooked it?” And my initial obsession gets worse. I have the urge to check again and when I don’t I have it repeating in my mind that there’s a video out there of me.

At the beginning of this year, I experienced false memories for the first time about watching bad stuff online, which I have never done in my life. I then turned to hours upon hours of googling and researching about it and reading articles about it. I'd sometimes google the same articles or topics multiple times a day. I then also remembered that I watched a clip once from Big Mouth (not knowing they were teens at the time). I became so afraid that I was being watched by the authorities or my ISP simply for doing research that I impulsively deleted my Google activity and became extremely paranoid that I was a bad person and a criminal, even though I'd never ever had these types of thoughts before. Then felt bad afterwards because I was like omg what if i am bad because what if it seems like I'm trying to hide a crime. I just really hate myself rn. I know we shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I'm more just pondering this, does this make me a bad person? Is there anyone else who has experienced something similar? Does this mean I still have OCD? or am I truly just only worried about how other people see me? Even while typing this, I'm asking myself, what does this all mean.

I was looking up stuff about kinks, because my friend is trying to help me "get out there", and I took the bdsm test to see where I land on it. I got 100% vanilla, and I was a little embarassed so I decided to Google things like "is it normal to not have a lot of kinks" or "what % of the population is into kink" and when I scrolled down a bit, I clicked on one of the little suggestion things with the arrow that said "are men more prone to enjoying kink than women" and it revealed a blurb from the website that said that men are in fact more inclined to kink, but also mentioned that it also means they're more inclined to p*dophellia, which sort of set off all these questions in my head of like "Wait so if p*dophellia is just a kink, does that make it more likely that I have it? Because scientenists still don't know what causes it so what if events in my childhood led up to me having it to some extent" and I started kind of going down this internal rabbit hole of trying to figure out how likely it is that I have it or some form of it bc if it's just a kink and not a mental illness than it feels more feasible? Idk I'm a woman so ik it's not AS common in us but it's still possible. I'm doing a little better with redirecting my attention and cooling my anxiety but I had an onslaught of intrusive images before falling asleep like I used to have when I first started experiencing this fear. It's been really catapulting me back to the beginning and I find that I'm ruminating on when it started and if it really means I'm a p or not. I know it's classic ocd but it's hard when it doesn't feel that way ;-; anyway, I'm too scared to Google bc i know it'll be a form of reassurance but also I'm just scared of having anything related to that in my search history so I just thought I'd post here. Anyone else have conflicting thoughts like this?

I have this same situation replaying in my head. It has to do with porn so if your young just know this may be a little graphic. I tend to use Twitter for porn and the reason I do this is it’s a lot more direct I can type in what I want to see and it’s there I don’t have to go through unknown websites and hope not to get viruses, and to be a little more specific more amateur/ real sexual experiences come up on Twitter rather than porn pages with staged written scenes. So in my use of Twitter for this there’s been times when questionable material/ illegal material has come up and never did I save it knowing it was 100% illegal or even interact with it if I knew it was 100% illegal. I was 18 or 19 at the time of this and I started to fear that in these moments I would look at these illegal videos/ sketchy videos to long when they would pop up like for example I remember seeing a video that was 100% illegal content and I was so shocked and like confused that I looked at it for a moment and then left and then I went back to look at it again just to confirm that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing I also remember seeing videos that were in a 18+ section but sometimes the girls in the videos looked like they could be 15-17. As we all know 18 year olds can look anywhere from 15-17 or even younger these days so I would be cautious and use my context clues and what I knew when watching videos that I was suspicious about but had no proof of them being illegal aside from my thoughts and the person looking young. So with this and me worrying I got super scared and hyper aware of what I was watching and now I remember me going back on Twitter to look at content that I was intending to be 18+ but all I would think about is what if something illegal would come up what if I see it and I look for to long or what if I feel attracted and I like it. And I just remember going back to Twitter to look at legal porn but it felt like I was there so that something illegal could come up to see how I’d naturally react to it. Never did I go and type in key words or type in anything illegal in fact I remember times I would strictly put 18+ next to whatever I was searching so I could be sure everything was legal but sometimes it would feel like my hope and intention was that I would see something illegal so that I could feel that anxiety rush or just to see how I would react naturally to seeing it and I feel like this would count as me intentionally looking for it so now I feel disgusting and like I committed a crime. Sometimes I just feel like I was only looking at porn because I wanted to feel that anxiety of what if something bad comes up and how would I react. I know deep down I didn’t want to see illegal content and that I was probably just feeling that I wanted to check how id feel if it did come up but now I feel like I was intentionally looking and that my whole objective was for something questionable to come up so I can see how I react. Is this ocd or did I just make a horrible decision?