I’ve become terrified of the internet and technology. My biggest obsession right now is that there’s sexual videos of me on porn sites or on the internet. All it takes is one bad guy to record me secretly and put me on there. I’ve never been blackmailed or anything and it can happen to anyone but I get an urge to check because the feeling is so strong that I’m on there. I will check key words on porn hub and I’ll be relieved for a second when I don’t find anything but then I think of other things to search and then I doubt if I saw correctly. I say “what if that was me and I just overlooked it?” And my initial obsession gets worse. I have the urge to check again and when I don’t I have it repeating in my mind that there’s a video out there of me.

I have recently been obsessing about going viral online or my friends sending embarrassing/bad videos of me to my employer. I know that this is probably irrational but I’m so scared of becoming infamous.

I used to have Harm OCD but ever since I watched that Black Mirror episode called “Shut Up and Dance” my obsession has been on POCD. For a long time I was petrified of typing “child porn” into google so I did a lot of avoiding. But then I started trying to get reassurance that nothing bad would pop up if you googled it anyway. I got so fed up with the thought that I ended up typing it in myself. I felt disgusted and guilty, and was naive enough to think I would at least no longer have to worry about typing that anymore. But then all these what ifs pooped up like “you didn’t check Bing, Twitter, Yahoo, etc”. So I ended up checking again to ensure myself that nothing would pop up. Then it got worse where I typed in some really disgusting things into google again because I just couldn’t handle the anxiety and uncertainty. I felt stupid every time and powerless. I managed to go about a week without checking but today an intrusive memory came back about a youtube link that had a questionable title in it when I google searched. So ended up going back and checked the video only to of course see that it was nothing horrible. I feel scared and paranoid. Like I have no control of myself. I hate this compulsion and I can’t love myself for doing all this. I’ve suffered from groinal responses and other sexual intrusive thoughts involving this theme but I just want someone to tell me I’m being paranoid. My mind won’t shut up about all this. It just wants me to keep checking and checking to make sure google is safe. How can I possibly love myself after all this? I don’t want this but the anxiety is unbearable and I can barely breathe. I didn’t think it would ever get this bad and it feels like even when I resist OCD wins anyway... or at least I hope it’s OCD.

How do I stop worrying about being on camera or on the internet? I keep remembering embarrassing fights or a drunk night I had. I’m such a shy person sober and when I blacked out once I lashed out at an ex who was emotionally abusive at the time. All I remember is crying, shoving people, and outside I threw my heel, and was sitting on the floor crying and my hand was bleeding. It was all fuzzy. My ex made me feel horrible for months about it. The parking lot area where I threw my heel was empty and my friends that were there were also drunk and couldn’t remember details. My ex told me my thong was to the side and when I was on the floor in the parking lot everyone could see my private’s but my friends said they don’t remember that happening and he was known to exaggerate or lie, but I can’t help but obsess that I’m on some website or on YouTube because someone secretly caught my outburst and taped it. Happened a year ago and I’m so embarrassed. This also goes for any other embarrassing moment I’ve had I obsess Im on camera and posted somewhere.