Lost dreams :( 21+

I used to have big dreams of being a professional dancer in NYC. It didn’t really matter to me what style. I danced for about nine years, ages 9-17 (almost 18). Nearly half of those years were competitive, with around 2-3 classes a day, 4 days a week. I wasn’t the best in my class considering 9-10 is still pretty late to start dance. I had thicker thighs and flat feet, but I worked my absolute ass off to try and make that dream happen. I did ballet, pointe, contemporary/modern, jazz, and hip hop. I think I was too afraid to go all in when it came time to graduate. I didn’t have the best home life, so I was desperate to leave my dad’s house ASAP. Dancing was put aside while I ended up going to cosmetology school and briefly becoming an esthetician as a way to support myself enough to leave home at 18. I always thought I could come back to dance later, that I could still make my dreams come true in some capacity. From 18-20, I worked as an esthetician for 12 hours a day, 4 days a week. I did some ballet classes here and there, but not nearly enough to maintain what I’d learned throughout the years. Even with 3 days off, I was burned out and exhausted. I wanted to do fun young people things. I moved in with my girlfriend. My mental health started suffering. Then Covid hit. From 20-22 got comfortable with the isolation and staying home that Covid brought. I didn’t know about online dance classes or anything then. Then from 22-24, even though lockdowns were lifted, my mental health was at an all time low. Constant obsessing, ruminating, reassurance seeking, finding new reasons to hate myself. Hundreds of days just lost to Google. I wasn’t even thinking about dance. I accepted that I failed. And now I’m 24. I will be 25 in July. I’m employed part time as a pet caretaker, and it has hit me that I threw away the one thing that I was truly passionate about. My childhood dream. It’s been nearly 7 years since I danced on a stage. I live in NYC, just like little me wanted. I have just signed up for some low level ballet classes. But all I ever wanted was to be a professional dancer, and now that will never happen because 24 is “too old” to start as a professional. Even though I have about 9 years of experience, I wasn’t the best in my class. I was always behind. But I put my entire heart and soul into it because I knew in my heart it’s what I wanted. I know I can still dance for fun, but that isn’t really what I want. I want to perform onstage. I want people to see me. I want to be talented and recognized. But I threw that all away for the chance to get away from my parents and stew in my mental illness. I have been ruminating all day. I wish I could make my dream come true. But I feel like I just need to accept that it won’t happen no matter how hard I try. I’m nearly retirement age in dance years. There is really no other career I want. I just want to cry. Sorry for the rant. Don’t give up on your dreams please. Don’t be like me.