Harm ocd probably

Okay so basically I'm 18 (almost 19) and my dad had been sick since I was 14. Like REALLY sick. He was practically bedridden for most of 4 years. It was a really rare and terrible disease and we very much did not have the financial means to take care of him. In November he suddenly passed in the night and I woke up around 8am to see my brother giving him cpr but it was simply too late. The police opened an investigation thinking there could have been false play but after the otopsy came back it was clearly because of his illness. Ever sense I keep having these thoughts of "what if I did it and don't remember" but mostly my thoughts are "you heard something that night and didn't check on him." And I remember when I was falling asleep that night I thought "it would be easier if he just died. No you don'tactually believe thag" so it feels like I some how willed it into the universe or something. Oh top of that for the longest time my (very spiritual) family has always told me that I was special and I knew things/could do things that are unexplainable. For a while before he passed I was buying into a lot of the spiritual stuff and I swore I felt this "fatherly presence" following me around. I thought it was like some old god watching out for me and kept looking for "signs." But I also kept ignoring it thinking I would reach out later when I had the time because I was a senior in high school while this was going on and was very busy. So sometimes I even thing my father dying was like a punishment or ignoring some God. I don't really know, at this point I don't even want to be into all of that stuff anymore but I don't know how to stop when my whole family is into it, especially if some thing is mad at me. I don't really know, I feel very trapped in some unexplainable way by all of this.

Username: GodsgoodGodsgood

Date posted: 35w ago

as hard as it is, you have to let this situation go and you cannot blame yourself for this you have to move on so you can go about your life, and not be paralyzed by this and have this weigh you down. ❤️❤️it’s possible

Username: Lee.Lee.

Date posted: 35w ago

Thank you. I know I should really try and put these events behind me. It's just difficult to not focus on it when it seems like everything around me revolves around it. But I'm trying my best 💪

Username: GodsgoodGodsgood

Date posted: 35w ago

@Lee. i understand that lee, i agree with what u said and i have a lot of compassion for your situation because it’s not easy to move past stuff like this at all. but based on my personal experience, i know that it’s paralyzing when you blame yourself based on like a superstition or something that you didn’t do but your mind is convinced of. it takes time but i know it’s possible to get by because i struggle with a superstitious type of thought and it felt like my world had ended at the time. also i want to say that i hope you are okay because since you have been feeling to blame, i can’t imagine how hard it might be for you to heal from his passing without thinking of your fears. so i hope you get/or had time to process this and remember the good times with your dad. don’t give up ❤️

Username: BobbyIX32BobbyIX32

Date posted: 35w ago

i'm really sorry to hear about your dad and everything you're going through. it sounds incredibly tough, dealing with such intense feelings and thoughts on top of your loss. 😞 it's okay to feel confused and trapped by these thoughts, especially with the spiritual beliefs your family holds adding another layer to it all. i'm battling a different ocd theme, so i might not get exactly what you're feeling, but i do wanna share something that might help. there's this app called "unstuck ocd therapy tools" that my local ocd support group recommended. it's pretty solid for getting personalized guidance and exercises right when you need them. also, i've found the ocd stories podcast really helpful for feeling less alone in this. it shares a lot of different experiences and insights from people dealing with ocd. hope this helps a bit. 🌟

Username: Lee.Lee.

Date posted: 35w ago

Thank you so much! I'm honestly really lost when it comes to resources and stuff. I'm really new to all of this, as I'm not diagnosed and I've never even been to therapy (ocd runs very heavily in my family though so honestly I should have looked into it sooner.) I will most sertainly be checking out that app and podcast. At the very least they should be good jumping off points so I can hopefully find what works🤞

Username: PhillipFillip1PhillipFillip1

Date posted: 35w ago

i use unstuck and highly recommend u check it out too!!

Username: BobbyIX32BobbyIX32

Date posted: 35w ago

@Lee. - i've been to that stage too and know that it's absolutely okay!! i'm proud and happy that you're not afraid to ask about the things that are currently bugging your mind.

Username: BigGyro09BigGyro09

Date posted: 35w ago

I'm very sorry to hear about your father. He was going through that for a long time and it must've been so awful for everyone. It's not easy to move past a situation where you lose someone you're close with. Your OCD is being disgusting about this by trying to find ways to blame you.

Username: Lee.Lee.

Date posted: 35w ago

Thank you, it mean a lot to know other people can recognize this as ocd too. It makes me feel like I'm on the right track

Username: BigGyro09BigGyro09

Date posted: 35w ago

@Lee. You're welcome. OCD can be very difficult. You can't control your thoughts and sometimes it can manifest into feelings. It's a lot to deal with, especially when going through grief. Again, I'm sorry about your dad. All of this is not easy and it may not make sense from time to time. It just sucks that OCD can be like this.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Losing someone

My dad recently died and it’s really ramped up my real event OCD. He was only 63. The chronic guilt of my worst mistakes haunt me worse than ever and I want so bad to confess to my mother. The event happened 17 years ago and I never repeated the mistake. I was 19. I had or have a learning disability. I don’t think my moral compass fully developed until after that. I love doing good now and made a career out of it, but the chronic guilt eats at me. How do I deal with this? How do I not confess?

Real Events OCD

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 49w ago

Ocd in a ongoing circus.

My ocd is in a spiral. My passed away on December 30th and it’s been taking a tole on me. She was sick for a year and half. Couple months before she was diagnosed with cancer I basically told my teachers a lie saying she was I’ll in order to take my exams early so I can go home early. She had diabetes at the time and she’s a single parent but my mind wasn’t solely set on her being sick from on it while I was sending out the emails. Even she was on board with me telling them that she’s basically sick because she gave me a document that shows she’s scheduled for a colonoscopy. But still it isn’t right.!I feel so bad because as soon as I said that a couple months later she gets diagnosed with colon cancer stage 3. There’s this spiritual saying that you’re tongue is powerful, and it truly is. Now I’m having a hard time sleeping. I can’t even grieve without my ocd having multiple episodes. Everyday it’s something new. My ocd is now saying I basically killed my mother and I wished sickness on her. Please help me I cannot go to this funeral nor live with this hanging on my shoulders.

Username: Eraseandrewind1

Date posted: 27w ago

Don't know what to believe

Hi! I've been dealing with something that really bothers me,I'm in therapy for it but I end up being sucked up in a loop of thinking about it all the time. I need help. Ok this is the story,I was having ocd thoughts like always " if u do this,this will happen,if you don't do this,ull attack someone" . That day I had a thought about my nephews,that I'll do something inappropriate with them,I was working in the house and I stopped a compulsion earlier and in that second my brain was like " omg what if something happend now" I continued my work yet was like "did something happen? Maybe I went to their house" lol after a while I was analyzing the thought like " what if I do that,would I feel guilty?" I didn't freak out,nothing,that surprised me. Then I feelt like ,wait what if I really do it,what if I snap?like an urge. If I think about it does it mean I will do it cuz I didn't have any negative feelings about it at that time. I started to ruminate and ask myself "what if I test myself and start the car and go to their house to see what I will do" .."I would probably just turn around or say hi but be in total panick and at the end I wouldn't even believe myself if I didn't do anything. I tested myself with the thoughts. And I got such anxiety rush afterwards while I was working in the house as if I might snap and had to be sure that I'm in the moment and remember everything. When I got to the house of my brother,I had anxiety but I didn't fight it,I thought, ah ill feel it,just continue walking,my mind was like trying to endure it and not analize the feelings,I remember I sit on the couch,we were talking,I went up and waited for my sister to get out of the bathroom and I tought to myself " now that I'm in the house,I could go to the kids room but I wont" .like I was analyzing that now that I'm near I wouldn't do it. But damn when I woke up,I feelt horrible, like I really did something, my kind feelt like it has a blockage,and I feelt horrible and guilty until today,that I cannot tell my brain what really happend. I was analyzing my thoughts and testing in my mind how far I would go that i have no idea now what to believe. I'm doin EMDR now for that day,my question is,is ALL THAT OCD? I was afraid afterwards why I didn't feel disgust that day cuyz of my thoughts. And now I'm spiraling,is that also ocd? And what can I do to finally stop the doubt and be sure 100 that nothing happened. Hope someone can relate

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Harm ocd probably

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