Username: Jersey Jayne

Date posted: 32w ago

Any other cis ppl with transgender OCD?

As a cis woman I'm ashamed that this is the subtype that causes me the most distress, and that I have to deal with it at all. At the same time, though, I'm relieved that TOCD is a known thing, because it's the explanation for what I feel. About 4 years ago is when I first started experiencing this subtype (though I did not know this until last year). It caused me so much distress that I would spend days laying on the couch doing nothing but crying. This time of extreme distress is also the reason why I went on anxiety medicine for the very first time. I would question my memories and feelings from over a decade ago, every single thought in my head would relate back to this intrusive worry, i was hyper aware of every physical sensation with my body, super conscious of how i perceived myself, super conscious of all my thoughts, forced myself to gather evidence and figure it out/ruminate on it, gaslighted myself in so many ways, questioning if i was just in denial, completely terrified of being anything but me, avoided certain clothes and people, felt others could see what I was thinking, and felt that the real me was truly gone. I was also not present at all. There WAS no world other than my mind. I wish someone had told me at the time that there was a name for this. It would've saved me a lot of time and a lot of fear. A lot of these things I still do without even thinking, though. It did go away on its own for a very long time. Within the past year it's come back, though, only this time I actually know what it is. I don't know how the hell I survived it before when I didn't know what it was. It's because of this subtype that i first learned what intrusive thoughts are. Lately it's been bothering me so much and it's been making me feel ugly and extremely self conscious/judgmental and flat out wrong in everything i do. Everything triggers it— even things that don't relate at all. My mind finds a way!! I don't ever see anyone on here talking about this subtype, but the fact it's listed gives me just a little hope that I'm not the only one.

Username: bebecoll30bebecoll30

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 32w ago

Hi!! You are so not alone!! TOCD is my worst theme and the scariest by far. It is a deep level of pain and suffering because it is attacking our identity and the way we’ve always viewed ourselves. i am a cis woman as well, always have been. i had to stop paying attention and fighting these thoughts. And extensive ERP has helped tremendously. You are not alone and if you’d ever like to talk I’m here!

Username: Jersey JayneJersey Jayne

Date posted: 32w ago

@bebecoll30 I'm looking into getting a NOCD therapist to help with all my subtypes including this one. I've been trying to just let it be, but I feel like i'm doing ERP/ACT wrong because it never helps 😔 I know I need better guidance with it

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 32w ago

I feel you, I'm a primarily HOCD sufferer but 2 months back, I've also got TOCD, it's on and off thing like it's sometimes make me distressed and sometimes it's not very active when hocd is hyperactive. Whenever hocd become less active, it starts attacking again. I've done everything like ruminating about every detail of my past, my brain says that I imagined myself at the place of xyz guys (in movies or irl).. I've stopped watching movies and my fav shows too. I've imitated male protagonist or mimicking male lead characters actions in action or Sci fi movies lot of times in childhood and teens and I know that it's normal, I also see and imagine myself through my crush eyes or how he would perceive me as every woman do and I've took lot of reassurances but nothing is working. I'm in hell, literally in hell of hocd and tocd, can't afford therapy or share my problem with anyone cuz of the fear that they wouldn't understand ot make fun of me. I think I'm just stuck in this never ending cycle forever 😔

Username: Jersey JayneJersey Jayne

Date posted: 32w ago

@Anonymous That's how I am too!! If another subtype dies down— this one comes back!! UGH can't we just be ourselves happily?!? And I feel exactly the same about imitating and putting yourself in male characters' places, as I am a fanfic writer and do this frequently in order to write characters properly. And YES that is something my OCD holds against me, too! And I often use the phrase "literally hell" as well 😔🫂 I believe there is hope for you and I'm sure you'll find a way to get therapy/adequate help. Sometimes anxiety meds/good support are all you need! ♥️

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 32w ago

@Jersey Jayne It's absolutely normal for everyone to put consciously or subconsciously at someone else's place regardless of gender and that doesn't mean we literally wanna embody them or something, it's very common and natural human behavior. I remember that I've also fantasized myself as a guy who's being physical with a girl when I was around 12-13, I've took reassurances fr everywhere and got to know that it's normal part of human imagination and exploration and it means nothing, we can imagine or fantasize ourselves as anyone but still HOCD and TOCD are holding this thing against me 😔 It's also normal to imagine that "how would my partner/crush perceive me, how would he see me, react etc"..it's common to seeing yourself or even another women by male's perspective or through their eyes but OCD is messing up everything. It misinterpreting every normal thing, other normal people don't go into every detail or even had a second thought that "what if I've imagined and what does that mean etc etc"..I hope we all sufferers would recover by this soon.

Username: Aiza LunaAiza Luna

Date posted: 32w ago

@Jersey Jayne I feel this too!! Is so frustrating, as a fanfic writter/ creator, I try to place myself in male character's shoes and my thoughts use that against me, placing stuff like "Wouldn't you né more happy/ thrilled being a man?" Or "that's bc you want to be a dude" and it MAKES ME FEEL AWFUL My biggest fear is waking up one day and starting to loose my love for my body, my breasts, my genitalia... The mere thought of becoming something close to masculine makes me so sad bc I don't want it 😭 I want to go back to the days I wasn't hyper aware of my body/ my actions, that those thoughts didn't even crossed my mind and I was just a happy girl with self-esteem issues... Agh, I'm taking some meds for anxiety but those thoughts makes me feel so guilty with myself for even thinking about changing myself in such way... To change me to an stranger ;-;

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 32w ago

@Anonymous Well the solution we all know but don't follow and implement. 1. ACT therapy 2. ERP therapy (mainly accidental exposures for every day and purpose exposures for avoidance) 3. Mindfulness 4. Let the thoughts pass without reacting on it, just ignore them like a bully and that's what accidental exposures are 5. Try hypnotherapy once as it's helpful in this (you can find videos on YouTube too) 6. Remember that our one compulsion can bring us back to the place where we have started so.. hold the anxiety and avoid compulsions and ruminations.

Username: star1232star1232

Date posted: 30w ago

@Anonymous I really need to talk to you

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 30w ago

@star1232 Sure.. I'm always there ✌️

Username: EdenAureliaEdenAurelia

Date posted: 32w ago

SOMEONE ELSE WHO HAS IT!!!! Mine was very quiet for a while and then recently it sprang up out of nowhere and I was awake until 4am like a week ago, sobbing and throwing up because my brain was screaming at me that I needed to accept that I was a man and I don't want to be. I've never wanted to be. I'm a woman and I've always liked being a woman, always seen myself as a woman. But my brain won't stop going "hey you feel that, you feel like a man. Your internal voice is masculine, your thoughts are masculine, your behaviors are masculine" even when I know it's not true. And I can't wear anything other than dresses or my brain starts screaming about how I'm a man and I hate it.

Username: Jersey JayneJersey Jayne

Date posted: 32w ago

@EdenAurelia This is exactly how it feels!! It's so horrible and makes me not care about myself or what happens to me, because I feel like the real me is gone... it was so embarrassing that 4 years ago I confessed to my father and my doctor what I was feeling and how badly I did not want to feel it, and now that I know what it is I just pray to god neither of them remember it!! I've always had body dysmorphia around my breasts and I was a bit of a tomboy in middle school because I was given the impression by my father that feminine stuff was bad/gross/sexualized. Since then I got super comfortable with feminine things and it felt so freeing. It's so hard to talk about this subtype with anyone because not only is it stigmatized even WITHIN the OCD community, the go-to response is for someone to tell you you're just in denial/internalizing transphobia— but that's not what it is AT ALL!!

Username: EdenAureliaEdenAurelia

Date posted: 32w ago

I get terrified that someone's gonna tell me I'm just in denial.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 32w ago

It's absolutely the worst theme ever, I was was awake until 5 am and I remember that I was just taking reassurances from people online like "is it normal for cis women to imagine themselves as a male ever, what does that mean etc etc" I was super terrified and scared about these thoughts and images and it all started by talking to girl on hocd forum, she has hocd and tocd both and she was sharing about her tocd obsessions to me and I got triggered and developed the same thing so it's very important to not talk to people about obsessions and compulsions who have other themes or subtypes because it would adds up into our theme too.

Username: bebecoll30bebecoll30

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 32w ago

I agree with you all, it is so refreshing to hear that other women deal with this theme. Eden you said it best, the thoughts and feelings you were having were exactly like mine. I got to the point where i was completely dysfunctional. Very quickly i only lived in my head with extreme anxiety over the thoughts i was having. I would be awake all night to scared to absolute death.

Username: Kooan

Date posted: 5y ago

Hi everyone, I'm suffering from a pure OCD for 5 months. Two months ago, I went to the psychiatrist and started the therapy. The first obsessive thoughts were POCD, then fear of loss of control ( schizophrenia bipolar disorder) , and then intrusive thoughts appeared that I am a transgender person (TOCD). TOCD is very rare type of OCD and TOCD is upsetting and preventing me from studying and everyday tasks. I've never had any indication of transgender, I simply saw some transgender person on the internet and wondered if I am a transgender person? This is a rare type of OCd, so I wonder if anyone else has similar experiences? I'm 22 years old.

Username: kelscrane

Date posted: 1y ago

TOCD

Does anyone here experience transgender OCD? It’s been my main theme for 2 years and with that I get HOCD (worrying that I’m a gay man). I identify as a bisexual woman and these thoughts have been so distressing to me. They feel so real. I’d really love to connect with people who are going through this.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: JackieFroST

Date posted: 1y ago

TOCD or just trans/nonbinary?

I've been struggling with my gender identity since about 2018 and have reached the point where I am currently on hormones. For a little bit I thought I was a woman but as time has gone on I've settled more into nonbinary as an identity. Now that I am on hormones, I'm noticing that some changes are positive in my mind and some give me a pretty decent amount of distress and doubt. I then discovered that TOCD is a thing and it's kind of thrown me for a loop since I already know I have OCD. I already had doubts but now I'm like, "Could I just be lying to myself and I actually have TOCD?", "Is this just a transphobic diagnosis that keeps people from living as they want?", "Is it possible for me to have TOCD and still be trans/nonbinary?". I'm going to have to talk to my therapist about it but in the meantime I would love some help understanding this whole issue. Thank you.

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Any other cis ppl with transgender OCD?

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