Struggling pretty bad lately

trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts and fear, it’s so hard. i don’t want this. i just want to go back to my normal self who only focused on what i wanted to and not this shell of who i use to be dying to just live again. pocd is the worst theme, it’s taken over my life. every move i make i am just overthinking everything. my brain tells me lies and sometimes i am so afraid i question if i am just “in denial” it’s so terrifying. i feel so so so much guilt, i would and could never hurt a child, it hurts me to even think about it. it makes me feel evil that i have intrusive thoughts. my brain tells me i am “attracted” to kids even though i know i am not, it’s hell. i’ve been having a huge flare up, maybe bc i am on my period, but it’s super difficult lately. i visited my nephew this weekend and i had so much fun, but of course my pocd ruined it and put intrusive thoughts in my head and said i was “attracted” AND I AM NOT, i was disgusting like ACTUALLY HORRIFIED. i wanted to go home so badly and when i got home i just felt so much guilt. pocd has ruined me. i want to be a mom, i want to be an amazing aunt. why is this disorder attacking me so much. :(

I feel like my body and mind are just so tired of being stuck in these same mental loops of torment with OCD and don’t know how to do anything else. I feel exhausted from not being able to cure myself out of these thoughts and self-destructive habits and that I’m not going to make it out of them because I’ve been tied down to this illness for so long. I wish things could have been different growing up and I took care of myself better so I wouldn’t have gotten so negative and loved myself more so these thoughts wouldn’t be so potent. I’ve had OCD most of my life, and I just don’t get how other people can live their lives normally and not suffer so heavily. I get really mad knowing I’m stuck in this vicious cycle and other people can enjoy life so easily. And now the summer is coming and it’s when I get the most depressed and feel so helpless from sadness, and my OCD has only just gotten worse. I feel like I just don’t have the energy to take care of myself anymore, and hate how anxious I am about actually telling people what’s going on with me in fear of judgment and not accepting me, so I just go along with self-sabotaging habits. I’m also afraid that nobody is going to want to help me. This only makes things worse, and it’s really hard for me to be happy. I just don’t know how to cope anymore. It makes it so hard to function as a human since I’ve been struggling for so long. I feel so disconnected from God because of this illness, and it only makes me more upset with myself for lack of effort and feel depressed. Please if someone is struggling with something similar or has advice, reach out ❤️

I don’t really know how to keep pushing anymore. Today I went out and I went to the arcade which was fun, but then as soon as I pulled up to my driveway I just felt a wave of sadness because I knew that I had to go back in my house and deal with my thoughts. I feel like that every time. I’ll have a small moment of distraction then I’ll immediately get sad because I know that after this, I’ll just have to go back to sitting in silence and dealing with my thoughts. They just feel so real and it’s so overwhelming. It’s so draining. I dont know what to do anymore. I’m scared that I’m using ocd as a “cover up.” I’m terrified of my thoughts ever being right. And I’m terrified of living like this forever. I was just okay a few months ago. But now I’m stuck in this seemingly incessant loop of suffering. It’s so painful seeing everybody happy because these past few months, I’ve felt anything but happy. It’s like I can’t be happy anymore. All I can feel is stress and anxiety. I just suffer in silence because I can’t talk to anybody about this. I feel like I’m going crazy and I’m scared that I’ll feel this way forever.