I don't understand how I could orgasm to testing myself...more than once. I haven't tested myself via masturbation after that happened because I'm terrified obviously, but how could that happen to me? Does it mean anything? I orgasmed very quickly does that mean it was a stress response? Please help

Physiological arousal is a killer ?? that was one of the most difficult and confusing parts of my OCD journey but I realized it was just a smoke screen. I think it has to do with the fact that you desperately want a reaction and your brain knows it , but because you’ve worn yourself out so much , it’s numbed out and the anxiety you feel is mistaken for genuine arousal , OR it causes arousal which is not sexual. (Arousal doesn’t always have to be sexual !). When it comes to what specifically caused the arousal , who knows ?? It could be one of three , a combination of all three , or none of them. It doesn’t have to just be one as many different states can cause different levels and intensities of arousal , and your mood can influence it as well. But what caused it , even though it seems important , is not necessary for recovery. It’s actually slowing recovery down because once you find an answer that you find satisfying , it’s going to eventually find something wrong with that answer or you’ll point out something from your experience that cannot be explained by the explanation that you find. That’s why the best thing to do by far is to accept that you don’t know what caused the arousal , and you don’t know if it’s genuine or not. And you should tel yourself that whatever it is should not take away from your happiness with life , because putting a major interpretation and emphasis on a millisecond and unconscious chemical response that could be triggered by around 100 something emotions is not fair to you !!! ??? I’m specifically using those words to show you the reality of groinal sensations and to show you how insignificant they are. You deserve to rule over them , they don’t deserve to rule over you. All the best , always here if you need anything at all :)

The speed of an orgasm could be influenced my multiple factors , none of which necessarily have to be attraction

LITERALLY! I googled "premature ejaculation" to see what it meant and it said it could be triggered by feelings of guilt, stress and anxiety about having an orgasm - I had all three!!! But, I'm still so scared like.... It was evident to me that I had OCD back then until that happened in which case, I was like "I don't think it's OCD anymore" and I literally spent months dreading that moment. I hate all of this. I used to be normal. How I have all sorts of disgusting sexual thoughts, doubts that I'm going crazy and schizophrenic, and even racist intrusive thoughts that almost pushed me off the edge. I'm seeking therapy and starting soon, but I'm so scared. This has literally plagued my life. I basically lost everything including the knowledge of who I really am.

This is honestly heartbreaking to read as I can relate all too well to feeling like you’ve lost who you are. But think of it this way (and don’t think of it as reassurance haha), the person you were is not gone. Your thoughts , fears , and anxieties are like fog and smoke that have pressed against your true self to the point where you can no longer see who you are anymore. Despite that , the person you were is still alive and is under the confusion of OCD. Things like groinal responses and orgasms are experienced by many , many people , many of which do not have OCD at all. Try to think of all of those sensations and orgasms in the same way you think of muscle spasms , burps , etc. does the intensity of the muscle spasm mean you have serious health issues ?? No ! Also , even though you are totally not alone in labeling those kind of thoughts as disgusting , always make sure to be kind to yourself and don’t attach any meaning to them ! Attaching that word to them reinforces that they are a threat to you , and this makes you wanna fight back against them which keeps you in the cycle of OCD. Instead , tell yourself that at some point , everyone has had these thoughts , probably even your own family. Thoughts are just thoughts , they aren’t realities and they don’t have to have meaning unless you attach it to them. Other people have these thoughts and can brush them off quickly , specifically because they know that they don’t reflect their character. We tend to get hung up on them because of our condition but why let it have control over us ?? Hope this helps ?

Thank you so much!!! It's just such a scary condition because like... Sometimes I do compulsive checking by picturing something sexually suggestive or explicit with someone I do not want to have these thoughts about to see if I get aroused and it always results in me having some physiological arousal at first and then when I try to think the same thoughts again and again I feel nothing in my groin and all I'm left with is disgust and shame. I don't understand how this works. Everyone says it's because of different things like "anxiety caused arousal" or "hyper body awareness caused arousal" or "primitive thalus sending a signal to your groin that youre thinking about something sexual regardless of it's contents". I DON'T GET IT.

tell ** god I hate typos

Thanks again for all of this. I really needed that.

If this helps, I can and have orgasmed to testing myself to my HOCD thoughts. I can feel aroused basically everytime I think about them in a sexual way. I have come to accept that straight people also have gay fantasies. Although to me all this is a nightmare because I would've never gone out of my way "testing" or having gay fantasies if it wasn't because one day I had an intrusive thought and my mind felt terrified and basically it changed my life. I would suggest not spending so much trying to differentiate if it's a stress response or not. Unfortunately for me, I find many lf my thoughts disgusting and also both physically and mentally stimulating "like any other sexual fantasy". Yet i dont feel attracted to them. I don't know how I got here and how much of it was a "stress response" or just a "sexual fantasy from a creative mind", but I do know it hurts and I do know I keep getting intrusive thoughts at basically everyone: men, transexuals, women, children, etc. And yes, if I teste myself, I could become aroused (full erection) with anyone in my thoughts. I thini of myself as everyone's sexual OCD worst fears come true. And yet I still want to believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that I can ignore all this and live a life woth values, and that I don't have to listen to my mind when it tells me that maybe killing myself will put and end to all this. It makes me cry just to write this... so hang in there, you're not alone...

Sorry for some of the grammar mistakes, I wrote quick...

Yes I am. But it kills me that althougg I can get better, I know therapy won't take away all my thoughts and ability to "respond sexually to them". It's something I'll to live with and accept "uncertainty" to... so easy to say... anyways, you're not the only one who can "orgasm quicker" to their unwanted thoughts. So don't beat yourself for it. Hang in there❤

I have told him everything. I'll see him in an hour again. I don't keep anything from him, I really want to get better. And yes, I've been diagnosed. I don't care if I keep being aroused or not, I just want to learn to live with it, be able to smile again, and just be able to have at least 2 minutes of peace in my mind. I'm sorry, it really breaks me to write about me and I start to cry again. I hate it everytime I read HOCD thoughts are repulsive to sufferers or don't arouse them at all... makes me feel so helpless...

That I shouldn't be concerned. People get aroused by many stuff and it's unimportant. Sexual orientation is much more than that.

I don't know you. But be aware of addiction (porn) vs OCD. It's important to know the difference.

What does that have to do with anything? I experience OCD symptoms not porn addict symptoms...

I didn't know porn addiction came with obsessions and compulsions. Must be that new psychology...

Well, he knows I can get aroused to POCD thoughts and still says is unimportant.

Vimli, how have you continued in your recovery?

Im sorry to hear that. :( Are you seeing a therapist?

Is hard :(