Thesis

I’m doing ok but dang has this week been emotional! My mind is clouded by thoughts and I feel disconnected from my body sometimes because of them. My fiance, the love of my life, is off at a training so I cannot spend any time with him. I constantly feel I live in this state of sinning, and it’s especially been on my mind with Easter soon. I’m tired. I’m so tired of trying to be the perfect Christian, daughter, granddaughter, sister, cousin, fiance but then again, no one in my family deserves any less from me. My family is a blessing. I’m two weeks away from getting a degree. I am a few months away from marriage. Yet somehow I know less about life than I did at 18. Well anyway…rant over…I hate how “oh woe is me” this sounds but there’s not enough words in this finite language that I could string together to encapsulate how I really feel.

Chat GPT told me its more likely comphet than ocd Idk im scared Im scared that if i accept the uncertainty to know the truth once and for all 1) i end up actually turning out to be lesbian 2) I lose the guy i love (or i think i love idk atp) I’m remembering so many moments of same sex attractions from when i was little Im so scared im so scared Its too much

(21+ ONLY: TRIGGER WARNING) I have therapy today and I’m nervous. I just started going to therapy and I really like my therapist. She talked to me about doing ERP and I’m really nervous about it. I’m scared to tell her the extent of my OCD, and my themes. I’m scared to tell her about my false memory OCD, because I’m scared that what I did was real and I’m just excusing it as false memory, although I have no memory of it. I’m scared that I am truly a monster and I’m using OCD as an excuse—and that she’ll find out and distance herself. I’m just scared that my whole world is gonna fall apart, all around me.