Age gap

I have no idea anymore. I guess this all started with me worrying about whether I was gay, then whether I was a P, then worried about being just attracted to teenagers. After that I started freaking out about not feeling “grown up” enough. Like “I’m an adult wtf is wrong with me for seeing someone who is probably younger and thinking they’re physically attractive. Then I started overthinking not finding older adults (like 30 or 40) very attractive. Like ofc I’m probably not gonna find them attractive, they’re not anywhere close my age. Maybe the desires are half real. Maybe as a 21 yr old young adult I do find older teenagers (16+) somewhat physically attractive. I still think it’d be weird to date one. Maybe that’s the normal reaction I’m supposed to have. If not, please let me know. I just don’t wanna do anything illegal one day and I’m super scared I will. I can’t tell if the fear is my just being afraid of the law though, in which case I might actually just be a bad person. I hate that my brain is just rationalizing thoughts now. I feel like I can’t do the ERP thing of “just accept that the thoughts are there but don’t engage.” Like what? How can I just think a thought that might be so integral to my identity and just ignore it? If it’s all true and I don’t like people my age anymore then I have to know and plan around that, that could change my entire life. I’m rambling, my b.

I made posts worrying about age gaps, and I continue to worry. But I'm thinking about just looking at what I believe and what I currently think is moral, and saying whatever to what anyone else says and thinks. About me or others. I think at 18 someone is an adult, and I don't care about age gaps past that. If you're 18+, it's whatever who you date and it's not wrong to be attracted/have sex with someone much younger as long as they are 18+. I worry my thinking is wrong especially because of how many people are against this mindset, but I can't find myself agreeing with them and when I look this up online many opinions vary on what age gaps are okay and what age you become an adult. So, I'm thinking about just saying screw it and not caring about it for myself and other people. If I'm 30 and am sexually/romantically attracted to an 18-year-old, whatever. If someone is 20 and dating a 50-year-old, whatever. Not wrong and not bad.

I was watching a show with my girlfriend last night and I feel like I felt like the daughter character in the show was attractive. She's supposed to be like 16-17 in the show and I think she was around at age IRL. I'm 26F. I've felt nauseated for the past few hours, obsessively googling about ephebophilia. I'm upset and scared and grossed out now, but I feel like in the moment I didn't necessarily enjoy the feeling/thought, but I didn't feel horrified either. It felt like it was genuine but made me uncomfortable. My biggest compulsion is confessing and I'm so scared I'm going to confess to my girlfriend when she gets home. I don't want to gross her out and make her wary of me. I've confessed other things related to this theme in the past, but the older I get the more distressing it becomes because a 26 year old should not find a 17 year old attractive. I'm freaking out more as I type this. I just pray this is my OCD, but something tells me it's part OCD and part real. Idk what to do. I feel like a creep and a monster. I really want to stop googling but this is all I can think about now. Just reading comments of people saying how vile this situation is if it's real attraction. And I agree. I would do anything to make these thoughts and feelings disappear. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?