i dont believe i have ocd

I feel like I have to come out almost everyday, when I actually manage to distract myself I just feel like I'm "ignoring the problem" and I have this constant feeling that I know I'm into dudes and I'm just trying to ignore and every single day I just feel like I have to admit to get it over with, and sometimes I even feel like I want to admit not that I have to. Also I have this since I'm 13, I'm 21 now, even at 17 I try to "come out" and stuff, but then when I got questions if I wanted to intimate with guys I knew I didn't want it so the obssesion came back again, but now I get plague with the memories of me coming out as evidence that it must be truth cause I felt some relieve, and now I also get a memory that while I was doing that I got a feeling I actually was into guys, like physically, then my brain did a retckon on my memory saying that instead of phisicall atraction it was a romantic atraction, funny enough after I got question of the sex part, that's what I doubted, but I was sure I didn't had and never had any romantic atachment to guys, but I was more worry about the sexual and physicall part, now I feel like I'm sure I'm not sexually into guys, but I keep getting memories that I developed crushes on them in the past, using past intrusive thoughs and also what I think are completly made up memories as prove that I did had crushes on dudes, allthough I'm pretty sure I didn't had it cause it's not like you can ignore those things, also when I started thinking I had this crushes for guys in the past it made what I though to be my crushes for girls to be completly empty, but the OCD didn't deny they happen (I'm assuming he allows me to believe I did like this girls, but just cause my fear now it's being bi, so it's like the OCD allows me to aknollege that I was into girls, but not so I can enjoy but just to use it as prove againt's me) Sorry if that was too long, I guess I needed to vent too

You’re not alone. I’m going through a similar battle in my head. As a male I’ve always been interested in females, but In my late teens I start to think some guys looked attractive. I didn’t understand it so I assumed and told myself I was gay even though I was still very much into girls. Every other time those thoughts popped up I unknowingly created a compulsion by calling myself gay. Last month I had an episode and decided I no longer want to accept that thought and give in to my compulsion. Since then my brain and inner thoughts have been force feeding the thought of being gay in a loop even when I distract myself. It’s like my brain won’t shut up until I accept and acknowledge the compulsion I created almost 20 years. ago.

Here’s a comment someone left me on one of my posts. This guy is going through the same as me. I hope this helps you a little. Hi, it’s very important to realise that this is indeed OCD and it’s very clear and is not representative of who you are. Try to accept the uncertainty behind it and instead be confident that you are straight. I am completely sure that I am straight yet I sometimes do get a weird feeling in the presence of other men and for me it’s just because OCD is making you feel on edge and stressed so it makes you misinterpret these feelings as an attraction towards them when they really aren’t. And just to be clear it’s completely normal to think that someone is attractive whether male or female as you can say attractiveness is a scientific thing that everyone can sense and see, but it doesn’t mean that you are attracted to a man if you think that he is good looking but rather (from my own experience) your OCD is making you feel on edge in that moment which you misinterpret as finding the man attractive and therefore overthink it. Hang in there it gets better I promise :).