Harm ocd - Someone pls reply!!!

@djflorio I appreciate that. Honestly, I’m starting to realize it’s definitely a compulsion of mine, alongside checking. I am really having trouble just sort of pretending the thoughts aren’t there around her - not doing thought suppression, but just trying to focus on her and ignore the hell I see and feel. But it’s so scary. It has settled into this overall dark kind of feeling that I would or will do this, and that I want to - even though I don’t. And I can’t feel my real feelings at all, so like….it scares me to be numb to something so awful. Mix that with the images…you’ve got a terrible perfect storm. I’m trying to read what I can that’s informative and can help me cope, but like…every second of every day I feel like it’s true. And I did actually look up the white bear study!

@Ellasmama - Yes it's truly very, very scary. Trust me I feel for you. I've spent hours of my life in the fetal position, frozen in place because certain thoughts were so overwhelmingly horrifying. I've learned over the years that there really is nothing to do but bring yourself into the present moment and accept whatever is there. Every thought, feeling, and emotion. You don't have to like what's there, only acknowledge that it is there. This is radical acceptance (another tool I highly suggest looking into if you haven't already). You need to be willing to practice this all the time, and to be okay with starting over. You will have setbacks. You will slip into compulsions. 10 times, 100 times, 1000 times, it doesn't matter. Keep starting again, because every time you recognize a compulsion and bring yourself back to the present, you are strengthening your awareness. The more you strengthen your awareness, the more you will be able to distinguish reality from delusion, and the less the intrusive thoughts will bother you. Have you considered writing out your intrusive thoughts, in all their horrific detail, in a journal of some kind? If not, trying allotting 10 minutes each day, whenever is best for you, to write these thoughts down. During this time, don't judge the thoughts. Don't edit them to seem less horrible. Just write what's there, nothing more, nothing less. Studies have shown that this approach can be very beneficial for intrusive thoughts. What you write can also be used as exposures in your ERP practice.

@djflorio Thank you for all of this. I appreciate the time you took to write it out for me. 🥹 this is honestly the worst thing in the world for me. It took something that I absolutely cherished and made me terrified to even be near it. Honestly, I am familiar with radical acceptance…I just didn’t think it would ever have to be about something like *this*. That I have to walk around feeling like I’d willingly harm something alive that I love so much. But I’m not against trying it, if you think it might help. Can I ask you personally - do the thoughts/feelings urges ever get better when you give them less power? Because I can’t imagine living the rest of my Ellie’s life this way. I wish it would find a new theme. As for the writing, honestly…I don’t know if I’m at the point where I can do that. I wish I had a different answer. But they bother me so much and I get triggered so easily - and when I get triggered, it actually feels like I’ll act on the thought which I don’t know if it’s normal. Right now, the biggest one for me is an image of my dog’s stomach being stabbed. I keep seeing it. Over and over again. And every time I get near her, I feel it like a pit in my stomach. It’s so horrible. It feels like it’s trying to convince me to do that because I’m so bothered by it. I don’t know how to accept that and sit with it because it’s so physically uncomfortable and it feels so real. Like I’m freaked out by it, so I’ll do it. I hate it.

@Ellasmama - No problem! Of course, take everything I write with a grain of salt. I'm not a therapist, and more importantly I really don't know you or your internal experience. I can only offer what has helped me over the years, based on what you've written. Yes things absolutely do get better. I've gone through many bouts of obsessive cycles, of which it felt like there would be no end. I've often thought, "there is no way that I'll be able to live normally ever again," several times in my life. And yet, here I am. Most of the time I barely think about OCD or worry about intrusive thoughts. And if I do have a flare up now and then, it's much more mild, and I have the tools to get through it. In fact I feel like I'm better equipped to handle distressing situations than most people, even those without the OCD label. One cool thing that happens is that you will eventually start reflecting on those, "I'll never be normal again" moments, and it will make you feel even better in the present. I personally meditate, and one of the most energizing things is reminding myself of those times, and reflecting on how I'm okay in the moment in spite of them. As just one example, there were long stretches of my life where I was convinced I was going to jump off of a balcony or shoot myself. Being around my parents or siblings was awful, because I could only think about how devastated they would be if I did that. I would hold up in my room and cry, which made matters worse because the more anxious and depressed I became, the more I was convinced that I was suicidal. It was maddening. In that sense, I understand your hesitation of accepting what you're feeling. It felt like accepting my feelings of anxiety/depression was making matters worse, because it just convinced me I had all the signs of suicide. It took me a while to understand that I wasn't actually accepting those feelings, I was reacting to them. There was still resistance lurking under the surface, and that resistance fueled the terrible cycle. I've been able to move past that particular fear, but NOT because I finally found a way to convince myself that I wasn't going to do it. It's because I was able to accept that the answer to, "will I kill myself one day?" is, "Maybe, maybe not. I don't know." 10 years ago that answer would have been horrifying to me. I wouldn't even dream to think in such a way. I'd want to vomit. But now thoughts around self harm or suicide are nothing but unpleasant little blips that may pop up now and then, barely any more noticeable than thoughts about how the air is kind of humid today. If it ever feels like "accepting" the thoughts/feelings are making things worse, my advice would be to find the resistance. Recognize how you're saying "no" to those thoughts/feelings. Sometimes it's incredibly subtle and hard to detect, but it's most likely there. As for not feeling ready for that exercise, I totally get it. Definitely go at your own pace with all of this. If you're working with a therapist, consider coming up with baby steps that may help you eventually get to that point. That being said, one metaphor for ERP has always been helpful for me. You're sitting near the edge of a pool, and the thought of jumping in is really scary. You imagine how cold it is; how unpleasant it would be to leave the warmth of the air. You anticipate the shock of the temperature change, and worry that it will hurt you somehow. Eventually you muster up the courage to jump in. There is a sudden unpleasant shock like you predicted...and in a few seconds it's gone. Your body regulates to the new temperature, and you wondered why you were ever so scared in the first place. Much love and well wishes.