Recovery?

Is this my life now? A loop of fears and panic? Freshman year.. two years ago is when all this started. When I began my journey with this debilitating and scary disorder. For a while I felt like everything was okay. Like things were getting better. But tonight it’s getting so bad. I’m shaking, the thoughts are literally making my body enter fight or flight. The feelings.. the thoughts it all feels so real. It makes me question every aspect of who I am.. Is this forever? Will this be my life? If it is, that sounds like pain.. I constantly check myself.. which ain’t realize might be a compulsion. But I wonder, am I lying to myself? But then again I wouldn’t fear it so much if what I felt was true. I try to stay calm, to not fight the thought but let it pass. But it only grows in power. It’s been giving me these fake feelings. Things in which i’d never felt before. I just want to be okay. And I wonder if that’s even possible anymore. All I know is that I have my family, my Mom, everyone who loves me dearly. Please anyone… I don’t want to beg but if you could give me some motivation or positive words i’d love that.

I really just need to vent. I recently had a relapse and while some days it seems like I’m feeling better, others are so difficult. Today, I’m breaking down at work in the bathroom and I feel so awful about that. Aside from the really scary thoughts I’m having about my health and my family members, I’m starting to feel really hopeless about the future. Like I’m never going to get better and that I’m going to get stuck in this ocd cycle forever. I know that’s not true because I’ve been able to make progress before, but the desperation and frustration that comes with a relapse make it so hard to remember that. I started medication and it’s only been about 3 days but I’m really scared that it’s not going to work or that I’m going to have to go through a lot of trial and error. I just really need to hear from people who have worked through their health ocd. I need hope.

If you suffer from taboo themes, and deal with groinal responses… Do you feel they have disappeared? Do you still notice them? For myself, they have become so engrained/automatic , so while i do not get “anxious” by them anymore i still can clock them & it can feel discouraging … What are your experiences?