- Date posted
- 49w
ocd will kill me
i'm going to lose my life one day to this illness i never asked for. it could've been beautiful.
i'm going to lose my life one day to this illness i never asked for. it could've been beautiful.
I’m so so sorry you are feeling like this. I have felt like this many times, I’m currently struggling with an pocd episode right now. Things will get better I myself might be struggling but I am getting better slowly with dealing with it and you will too! 🩷
@82023 thank you so much. i'm so glad you're getting better 💗
Hi. I am sorry you are feeling so badly. I have often felt like that in my 38 years of living with ocd. It just felt there is no way I could stay alive with it ruining every aspect of my life and destroying me. Life on Earth in general is quite unfriendly, unkind, aggressive and cruel. People make it so. But apart from that life can be very beautiful and is beautiful. Nature and even some human contributions like art, architecture, music,... It is as beautiful as we are willing to see it. Depends on what we focus. At least when ocd allowes it. Life does get better even for us with ocd. For me, meds are giving me my life back. After over a year on max dose I am not cured, but I am stronger than my ocd. Just a year ago ocd completely devoured me. I was alive but wasn't living. I could hardly say I was a person. ERP helps some people. Sadly not me. Meds help others. Both help those lucky ones. Whatever and however just try and keep trying till sth works for you. But it takes time, effort and patience. Especially with meds. Over a year for true results. I have no idea if anyone has ever been completely cured. I don't think I ever will be ocd free. But, like you said, none of us has ever asked for ocd, it is not our fault and it is not us. It is just a part of us. As long as we somehow accept it, observe it, without judging ourselves or ocd, and learn from it, we should be able to keep it just an annoying part of us and not the boss of us. I hate myself at times for giving in to compulsions still. But I guess that is who I am. The more I fight it, the stronger ocd gets. The thing I mostly hate about it is that makes it impossible for me to develop a meaningful friendship. I am always too cautious and don't let people in. But that is me. Lonely, terribly lonely, although I am married, but no friends. I guess I have to accept that too. I wish you all the luck and success with dealing with ocd. It will get better. 🤗
@NODA thank you so much. 💗
@NODA i really needed to hear this. thank you
@alliesdirt I am happy I could make you feel at least a bit better. You are always welcome. How are you feeling today? Believe me, your life is not over and it will never be over due to ocd. Even when we feel hopeless, exhausted, lost, we somehow manage to survive. Not only that we survive, but with a bit of work and focus on ourselves, life can be beautiful even with ocd. Stay strong. Smile as much as possible. Big hug.
I started dealing with OCD when I became fixated on health issues, particularly the fear of contracting a life-threatening disease. If I experienced any kind of medical symptom, no matter how small, that even remotely hinted at something potentially fatal, it would drive me crazy, and I couldn’t stop obsessing over it. Then one day, I started having intrusive thoughts about accidentally hitting someone with my car, and I would end up driving in circles to check if I had. Eventually, I found myself overwhelmed by a flood of new obsessive thoughts and compulsions. One day, while I was at the park, a squirrel came near me, and for some reason, I felt like it attacked me. I Googled it and learned that squirrels could carry rabies, which spiraled me into a deep fear of rabies. I became consumed with the thought I received a bite from a squirrel, raccoon, or bat any time I’m in areas that trigger me. It started off only being inside then transferred to even being in my own home. This made me obsess over every physical sensation in my body, compulsively checking to make sure nothing was wrong. One compulsion that I hated the most would to be putting rubbing alcohol on me to make sure that I had no open wounds. Every day feels like I’m walking around in a fog of anxiety, constantly worrying that I won’t even make it to old age. Sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that I just want it all to end. It stresses me so bad at times to where my brain feels like I’ve been studying all day.
since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.
WHY is it so bad?? who was gonna tell me 16 was just DREAD, my ocd has flared up worse than ever and i can’t go to therapy weekly anymore. im getting worse and i can’t do it. I just want to give up.
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