- Date posted
- 33w ago
ocd will kill me
i'm going to lose my life one day to this illness i never asked for. it could've been beautiful.
i'm going to lose my life one day to this illness i never asked for. it could've been beautiful.
I’m so so sorry you are feeling like this. I have felt like this many times, I’m currently struggling with an pocd episode right now. Things will get better I myself might be struggling but I am getting better slowly with dealing with it and you will too! 🩷
@82023 thank you so much. i'm so glad you're getting better 💗
Hi. I am sorry you are feeling so badly. I have often felt like that in my 38 years of living with ocd. It just felt there is no way I could stay alive with it ruining every aspect of my life and destroying me. Life on Earth in general is quite unfriendly, unkind, aggressive and cruel. People make it so. But apart from that life can be very beautiful and is beautiful. Nature and even some human contributions like art, architecture, music,... It is as beautiful as we are willing to see it. Depends on what we focus. At least when ocd allowes it. Life does get better even for us with ocd. For me, meds are giving me my life back. After over a year on max dose I am not cured, but I am stronger than my ocd. Just a year ago ocd completely devoured me. I was alive but wasn't living. I could hardly say I was a person. ERP helps some people. Sadly not me. Meds help others. Both help those lucky ones. Whatever and however just try and keep trying till sth works for you. But it takes time, effort and patience. Especially with meds. Over a year for true results. I have no idea if anyone has ever been completely cured. I don't think I ever will be ocd free. But, like you said, none of us has ever asked for ocd, it is not our fault and it is not us. It is just a part of us. As long as we somehow accept it, observe it, without judging ourselves or ocd, and learn from it, we should be able to keep it just an annoying part of us and not the boss of us. I hate myself at times for giving in to compulsions still. But I guess that is who I am. The more I fight it, the stronger ocd gets. The thing I mostly hate about it is that makes it impossible for me to develop a meaningful friendship. I am always too cautious and don't let people in. But that is me. Lonely, terribly lonely, although I am married, but no friends. I guess I have to accept that too. I wish you all the luck and success with dealing with ocd. It will get better. 🤗
@NODA thank you so much. 💗
@NODA i really needed to hear this. thank you
@alliesdirt I am happy I could make you feel at least a bit better. You are always welcome. How are you feeling today? Believe me, your life is not over and it will never be over due to ocd. Even when we feel hopeless, exhausted, lost, we somehow manage to survive. Not only that we survive, but with a bit of work and focus on ourselves, life can be beautiful even with ocd. Stay strong. Smile as much as possible. Big hug.
So I've had OCD since I was a child. Like really young. The first intrusive thought I can remember was when I was 5. It just keeps getting worse and lately they've been making me physically ill or throwing me into extreme panic attacks again ( ones where I can't move my body ) the other night I thought God was trying to kill me because I was thinking about ending myself from OCD+ life issues but in reality I was just having a panic attack😭😭it affects me daily. It gets a little better with therapy but I don't see therapy coming into my life any time soon and I'm not even sure if I would want to go (for multiple reasons). To wrap this up if you have severe ocd can you tell me what it's like?? I don't want to label anything without proper research and hearing others perspectives. Thank you!! <3 (My profile says all of my subtypes if that helps any)
I feel like I’ll never lead a normal life again with OCD, my thoughts have begun to be convince especially about POCD. I feel like so sad and down that this will be my life forever. I’ll never get to fall in love again without intrusive thoughts. I’ll never be worth falling in love with. I can never be intimate again. I’m just done, my life is over. I can’t even look at my nephew and niece anymore without the smile fading. It feels like I’m so nasty and then my brain convinces me this is how I feel. That there’s some part of me that is a p*do and that’s it. I’m a disgusting human being for that. I just feel hopeless
back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.
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