Real Event Uncertainty - venting

I know I’ve done something terrible but I can’t remember the details and I worry it could be even worse. I spend every waking moment trying to remember because then at least I’ll know what I have done exactly. I can’t even remember when it happened like what is wrong with me. I don’t have a job anymore and my family is worried for me although I hate it when they are because I hate myself I don’t want their love and kindness anymore it feels wrong to have that. The only thing keeping me going is my siblings but if they knew they would leave me too so I just want to distance myself completely. I’ve already swore to never love anyone or allow someone to love me because it would be wrong. If those are the consequences for my actions then I accept them but I just want to know what I’ve done exactly I beg everyday for my brain to remember and I cry everyday too and hate myself for it because this is all my doing so why am i crying?

Username: Kag911Kag911

Date posted: 20w ago

"We accept the love we think we deserve," is very true. Allow yourself to be loved and treated kindly. Getting caught in the cycle of trying to remember details is something I myself get caught up in, and it is very very difficult to break the cycle. Sometimes, we have to just live with the uncertainty, and say "maybe, maybe not", and then sit with that until the feeling begins to fade (and trust me, it will eventually). It is easier to look at things objectively when we are not reacting emotionally to them (kind of like buying something in the heat of the moment in emotion, vs. sleeping on it to take some time to decide whether or not its a wise purchase so as to avoid buyer's remorse.) You don't want to get back into the cycle or re-evaluating by any means, but once you're farther away from the circumstance mentally and emotionally, it is easier to see the big picture. Viewing a single tile does not let you see an entire mosaic, in the same way distance can be very good if you allow yourself a break by allowing uncertainty. It will help you gain perspective. At least this has been my experience.

Username: anon70anon70

Date posted: 19w ago

@Kag911 I really appreciate your response. Giving myself time to look at things from a wider perspective is something I know I should do but the need to constantly figure it out in case I may miss that “ah ha” moment is what keeps me ruminating at all times. I’m still so far from accepting uncertainty and lately the only thing keeping me going is my younger self. How long would you say it took you to be able to give it a break and allow distance?

Username: Kag911Kag911

Date posted: 19w ago

@anon39 There is no singular number that really illustrates the waiting period, it’s something I’ve had to do many many times over. Each one is different. Sometimes it’s a day, sometimes it’s much longer. I’m going through a period of dealing with a new kind of uncertainty right now, and it has been a struggle with much more longevity. I think the hardest thing about OCD, or one of the hardest things, is even with the “aha” moment as you called it, there is still emotional anguish and turmoil regardless of logical understanding. If we are talking about riding the wave of anxiety, and not the thought or fear as a whole, then it typically passes after an hour or two, but that’s not how it used to be. And every new fear, every new thought is a curve ball that has to be hit differently. The most important thing is that you’re trying. The last time I was in a circumstance like yours, the actual thoughts passed in a few days. Remember nothing is forever, and it’s all temporary. That gave me some solace.

Username: xyzwqrxyzwqr

Date posted: 20w ago

alot of the time even the worst version we can imagine of a senario isnt as big of a deal as we think it is, i know reassurance seeking is bad but no need to ruin the rest of your life over somthing that might not even be a big deal in the first place, if you wanna tell me and ill reality check for you and ill be honest. worst case you keep on the way you are best case youre off the hook or at least maybe dont feel as bad

Username: captainacecaptainace

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18w ago

Hello, I just want to say I’m in the same boat as you. You’re not alone

Username: bumblebee_bu...

Date posted: 2y ago

Help Please :(

I keep oscillating between telling myself that a faint memory could’ve been true since it popped into my head in a moment of distress and it was the first immediate memory I had so therefore it must’ve happened, and that I’m just in denial and trying to make it OCD so I can live with the fact that it “might not have happened”. I’m so scared that it did happen and that I’m relying on the fact that I didn’t remember the specifics so that I can have the possibility of it not happening. It’s not something I condone today nor does it reflect who I am nor does it seem like something I would do, but if so, why did it feel so familiar ? I have evidence that my memory is really distorted at times and it combines things and I was in a state of such panic that I might’ve just compiled memories together that is the worse scenario (since it’s something I’m so afraid of happening). But then I keep getting scared that I’m just in denial because I feel a faint familiarity to certain things. I’m honestly so panicked and sad and heartbroken. I keep fearing I did something wrong and faint memories would pop into my head and I would question when it happened and try to remember everything and it would anger me that I couldn’t remember everything. And it feels so wrong for me to just live with the fact that something could’ve happened even though it’s not reflective of who I am today. It feels immoral to not confess. I just want words of comfort and understanding and I just need to know I have hope for the future and I can be happy. Please help.

Real Events OCD

Username: cmim2077

Date posted: 1y ago

Real Event spiral (currently in hell)

I can’t remember what triggered this theme this time, but it’s been almost a week and I’m in hell. I just cannot accept the person I was as a teenager and the things I’ve done. It feels like I don’t even know who that person is anymore but I know that it’s myself and it’s so hard to accept I’ve done such heinous things. I want to kill myself but I don’t want to die… I want to go back in time and change these things but the very fact that I can’t leaves me with no other choice except suicide. I simply cannot understand how people move past their mistakes. I feel so unstable rn I can’t stop crying, I can’t eat, sleep… haven’t left my bed except for work. I’m struggling so bad rn but my OCD tells me I deserve it. Maybe I do, I don’t know anymore my whole life is tainted and so are those for whom I’ve hurt.

Username: anon70

Date posted: 42w ago

I’m so afraid/venting

This is my first time posting here. At the beginning of this year, I started obsessing over an event that happened two years ago, which then led me to obsess over events from seven years ago. I'm certain those events happened, but now I'm unsure if my thoughts are intrusive or if I truly did something unforgivable. After reading someone's real event, I had a disturbing memory of doing something the exact same thing. It's the first time I've ever had this memory, and the problem is, I can't remember if it actually occurred. Every time I think about it, the details change, leaving me with no concrete answer. I've searched through all my pictures, messages, and memories, trying to pinpoint if and when it happened. Ultimately, I know I can't change the past, and even if it did happen, there's nothing I can do about it now, but it haunts me every day. If I did do this, I feel undeserving of anything good in this world. It's affecting my relationships and work, and I fear that if I accept it as false, it might resurface later, potentially ruining my life. I've always condemned this act, but maybe I myself did it as a teenager and either forgot or chose to forget.

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Real Event Uncertainty - venting

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