Need advice for Suicidal/Harm OCD obsessions

I have dealt with this specific obsession since my stepdad took his own life when I was 14. Alongside that, I have a Real Event OCD where I obsess over the morality of a passed decision. I did a lot of things to ease the anxiety. Most I learned from therapy and trial/error. 1) Allow it to run in your mind. Picture it. I know it sounds horrible but it worked for me. 2) Say out loud "I don't care". And keep saying it when the sensation arrives. OCD episodes like this are usually long. They linger for a while and I had to be able to sit with it knowing it was OCD. I'm not licensed psychologist or therapist, so these tips aren't validated as efficient. I'm simply a survivor of this brutal and debilitating struggle.

I struggled with this theme for years, and dealt with it well before I ever started OCD-specific treatment, so maybe I can offer a perspective outside of the typical "just keep doing ERP." Understanding your problem logically can be helpful, but as you've noticed it's probably not enough. At the end of the day, the bodily systems at play here are not logical, they're completely emotional and based on feelings. The parts of the brain responsible for fear/anxiety were some of the earliest to evolve, long before humans had the ability to create language. Therefore, your ability to put the issue into words is literally falling on deaf ears. It's like trying to calm a crying puppy by talking to it in a monotone voice, as if it can understand your words. Perhaps you need to shift your focus away from the clinical OCD side of things, and really pay attention to the anxiety itself. And I don't mean heavily researching the physiological workings of anxiety (although that can be fascinating and helpful in its own way), I mean understanding it at a level beyond words. Basically I'm talking about mindfulness, which I'm positive you've at least tried to incorporate into your treatment (it's basically the foundation of ERP, after all). But I think it is sometimes approached in the wrong way in the mental health world, like it's some form of medicine that will get rid of your anxiety. In reality, mindfulness simply means "awareness." It isn't meant to get rid of anything, it just refers to your ability to be completely aware of everything you are experiencing. I think this is often lost in the world of mental health treatment, because we are so focused on "fixing" ourselves. When these thoughts make you anxious, really truly feel that anxiety. Focus on where you feel it, and how you feel it. Burning in chest, butterflies in stomach, tightness in the throat, whatever. Don't worry about finding the right words to describe it, just be aware of the feeling. There is nothing to fix, and nothing to get rid of. The reason this can be helpful is that at the end of the day, emotions are meant to be felt and acknowledged, not shooed away or even "tolerated." As long as you have the mindset of, "how can I get rid of this feeling," you will be fighting a losing battle. Over time you will develop a different relationship with your feelings. It's hard to describe logically how that is helpful, but that's the point 😅. The logical stuff is what keeps us locked in this never-ending cycle. I know this sounds like a lot of fluff, and feel free to disregard everything I'm saying if it's not for you. It's just what helped me!

I am in the exact same spot going on month 5. How are you doing now?