Need advice for Suicidal/Harm OCD obsessions

I am typing as I sit on the couch after a mental breakdown due to the frustration and fear I have with my Suicidal OCD intrusive thoughts. I know so much about why this is happening from therapy, research, and self help books that I feel like knowing this much about my condition is almost making it harder to recover. It’s like I feel like since I logically understand my problem, why can’t I change my response to it? I know logically that these thoughts are stuck in a loop because I have assigned meaning to them and am so scared of the concept of harming myself, yet ERP/CBT hasn’t yet helped much with my ability to tolerate the anxiety. I have moments where I feel good but the sense of impending doom and feeling like I “am bound to hurt myself” always comes back. At least for the last 2-3 months since this theme and OCD flare started. I don’t have any physical compulsions that me or my therapist have been able to identify except *maybe* researching too much. But other than that, my compulsions are all mental. However, I can’t pinpoint what exactly they are. It’s also important to note that I don’t avoid anything. I still use knives when I need to, I don’t hide them like others with this theme do. Yes they can trigger anxiety but I don’t actively avoid them or other items that trigger/have potential to harm me. When I do audio exposures (listening to my voice saying I am going to hurt myself), I hold a knife to my wrist to intensify the ERP, per my therapists request… and still the same or similar level of fear behind suicidal and harm OCD thoughts is there. Has anyone dealt with this and can help provide some insight as to what helped you? Anything is helpful here except negativity.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 18w ago

I have dealt with this specific obsession since my stepdad took his own life when I was 14. Alongside that, I have a Real Event OCD where I obsess over the morality of a passed decision. I did a lot of things to ease the anxiety. Most I learned from therapy and trial/error. 1) Allow it to run in your mind. Picture it. I know it sounds horrible but it worked for me. 2) Say out loud "I don't care". And keep saying it when the sensation arrives. OCD episodes like this are usually long. They linger for a while and I had to be able to sit with it knowing it was OCD. I'm not licensed psychologist or therapist, so these tips aren't validated as efficient. I'm simply a survivor of this brutal and debilitating struggle.

Username: IamnotmythoughtsIamnotmythou...

Date posted: 18w ago

@Anonymous I am sorry about your stepdad. I have a concern that saying things like “I don’t care” or picturing it acts is a compulsion? Like how do we know when it becomes a compulsion by engaging with the thought. Compulsions make it worse so I want to avoid those but it’s very confusing what counts and what doesn’t.

Username: IamnotmythoughtsIamnotmythou...

Date posted: 18w ago

@Anonymous Also, how long did your period of the theme last? I am on 2 months of it being very bad. Before that my OCD was attached to my relationship, but one day it just switched and now I feel much better with the ROCD

Username: djfloriodjflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18w ago

I struggled with this theme for years, and dealt with it well before I ever started OCD-specific treatment, so maybe I can offer a perspective outside of the typical "just keep doing ERP." Understanding your problem logically can be helpful, but as you've noticed it's probably not enough. At the end of the day, the bodily systems at play here are not logical, they're completely emotional and based on feelings. The parts of the brain responsible for fear/anxiety were some of the earliest to evolve, long before humans had the ability to create language. Therefore, your ability to put the issue into words is literally falling on deaf ears. It's like trying to calm a crying puppy by talking to it in a monotone voice, as if it can understand your words. Perhaps you need to shift your focus away from the clinical OCD side of things, and really pay attention to the anxiety itself. And I don't mean heavily researching the physiological workings of anxiety (although that can be fascinating and helpful in its own way), I mean understanding it at a level beyond words. Basically I'm talking about mindfulness, which I'm positive you've at least tried to incorporate into your treatment (it's basically the foundation of ERP, after all). But I think it is sometimes approached in the wrong way in the mental health world, like it's some form of medicine that will get rid of your anxiety. In reality, mindfulness simply means "awareness." It isn't meant to get rid of anything, it just refers to your ability to be completely aware of everything you are experiencing. I think this is often lost in the world of mental health treatment, because we are so focused on "fixing" ourselves. When these thoughts make you anxious, really truly feel that anxiety. Focus on where you feel it, and how you feel it. Burning in chest, butterflies in stomach, tightness in the throat, whatever. Don't worry about finding the right words to describe it, just be aware of the feeling. There is nothing to fix, and nothing to get rid of. The reason this can be helpful is that at the end of the day, emotions are meant to be felt and acknowledged, not shooed away or even "tolerated." As long as you have the mindset of, "how can I get rid of this feeling," you will be fighting a losing battle. Over time you will develop a different relationship with your feelings. It's hard to describe logically how that is helpful, but that's the point 😅. The logical stuff is what keeps us locked in this never-ending cycle. I know this sounds like a lot of fluff, and feel free to disregard everything I'm saying if it's not for you. It's just what helped me!

Username: Charlotte Charlotte

Date posted: 8w ago

I am in the exact same spot going on month 5. How are you doing now?

Username: Evelyn4416

Date posted: 4y ago

TW rant: suicidal OCD So this has been my major theme for the past year since my onset started. For clarification: I just have suicidal OCD, I’m not actually suicidal Incase there’s confusion about that. Anyways, I am so SICK of hearing about the topic of suicide which seems to be everywhere. You hear a story on the news that some celebrity did it, or other stories that people they knew did it or they themselves attempted it. You hear that people with mental illnesses or those who went through trauma or just being a middle aged white man have higher risks of suicide. On my explore page on Instagram, thanks to the OCD support pages I follow, I get suggested posts about other mental health related things and there’s usually posts about “signs of suicidal people” or whatnot. I’m soooo sick of it. Having suicidal OCD has been extremely hard and scary to have. It seems like anything is a trigger and the unwanted thoughts of it keep popping up (as OCD normally does). A lot of the time it’s aimed toward myself, but a big chunk of it is aimed toward my loved ones, like what if they decided to commit suicide? If I haven’t seen a family member in a little while (they’re chilling in their room or whatever) I get scared they might have killed themselves so I feel the compulsion to check on them, ask if they’re okay and happy etc. But it’s mostly at myself and I hate it so much. I think overall, whether this attack is aimed toward myself or others, it just absolutely terrifies me that anyone could just decided to do it and then just do it? It’s not like fearing a murderer coming to your house or an outside threat, but you’re the threat! And you can’t seem to protect your loved ones from it! I get these fears that I’ll become depressed (I’m not depressed) and eventually desire it or that I’ll spiral from fear and pain and eventually desire it, or that it’ll be like the movie Bird Box where the people in it (after seeing the monster) seemed to go on autopilot and killed themselves. I can’t even see words like “committed” or “attempted” without having my stomach jump. I struggle to get things out of my closet since having an open closet is even a trigger for fear. I just wish suicide never existed, I wish it wasn’t a thing, I wish I’d never think about it, I wish i could move on from this intense fear. (Disclaimer: I’m doing ERP for this and compared to before have been progress, but on my spike days it’s just so frustrating) Thanks for listening 😩

Username: boymom87

Date posted: 4y ago

Anyone have any tips for dealing with uncertainty form suicidal thoughts with harm ocd?

Harm OCD

Username: Kenzie Madison

Date posted: 2y ago

Those with Harm OCD

Hey guys. I’ve been dealing with Harm OCD for around 3 and 1/2 months now, and it’s been extremely difficult to experience. I’ve had OCD my whole life and some of my family members do as well, one of my cousins actually has the same main subtype as me, but he was diagnosed almost a year ago when I didn’t have it myself. I’ve been going to an OCD & Anxiety Treatment Center the past week and I’m really struggling with the exposures we do there, as well as the ones we do at home. I constantly feel like I’m judging myself and I genuinely feel worthless, like I’m a horrible person to have unwanted intrusive thoughts like these. I feel like it’s so difficult to stay mindful and to not judge any of the thoughts that surface. Those with Harm OCD, have any of you here gone from debilitating OCD to living fulfilling lives? If so, what was the process like for you, if you’d like to share? Thanks and I hope you’re all doing well, or are continuing to improve.

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Need advice for Suicidal/Harm OCD obsessions

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