Deleted post.

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling and I need to let it all out. I’ve been dealing with ROCD (or what I think is ROCD) for a long time, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I’m in a loving relationship with a boyfriend who is kind, understanding, and patient. But ever since I started reading a lot online, googling symptoms, talking to AI like ChatGPT, searching for reassurance, things have gotten worse and worse. And now… I feel completely disconnected from my feelings. I don’t know what’s real anymore. My boyfriend told me that he believes I’ve convinced myself that I have something that needs to be treated, and that all this constant researching is making me feel worse. And honestly, I think he’s right. Before I fell into this cycle, I could be more intimate with him. I used to say “I love you,” I used to feel warmth. Now I don’t say it anymore. I haven’t in a long time. And it hurts him. And I know I’m hurting him, and that makes it even worse. He also said that maybe I’m having these obsessive thoughts because I don’t have a daily purpose, that I need to get occupied, to stop being consumed by this. And others in my life have told me the same. He even suggested taking a break from each other for a week, just to give me space. But I’m terrified of that. I’m scared that the thing I fear most will become “the truth.” I’m scared I’ll feel relief, and that will mean everything I fear is real. But he told me that if I don’t want the break, maybe it means I still care. Still love. Still want this. The problem is, I don’t know anymore. And that’s what’s killing me. I’ve also had a psychologist who told me that just because I feel guilt or “care,” it doesn’t necessarily mean I like him — and that sent me spiraling. She said that maybe I care about people in general, but it doesn’t mean I love him. And it made me feel like I’m just lying to myself. That maybe I’m holding on out of obligation, or because I set in my head that I “have to be with him.” And even when he tells me beautiful things — logical things — things that SHOULD make me feel safe and seen… I don’t feel better. I just feel more empty. And then I start spiraling again: “If this doesn’t help me feel better, then something must be wrong.” “What if I’m just pretending?” “What if I’ve been lying to myself all along?” I feel like there’s something wrong inside of me. Like no matter what anyone says, or how much love I’m given, I can’t feel it. I just want to know what to do. I want someone to tell me what this is. I want to stop feeling like I’m running after a version of myself that used to feel, used to love, used to be calm. I don’t know if this is ROCD or if I’m just slowly facing a truth I’ve been afraid to accept. Please, if anyone has felt this way, I need to hear that I’m not alone. And if you’ve come out the other side… how? My relationship is perfect and he is perfect, i just deal with this and i am far from happy.

Hi. I’m writing this because I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long, and I feel like I’m losing myself more and more every day. I’m 18 years old, and I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with someone who truly loves me( i have these thoughts and bad feelings since month 4 in the relationship) He’s kind, patient, and he really cares. But for a long time now… I’ve been stuck in this horrible cycle of fear, doubt, and emotional numbness. It started slowly — little intrusive thoughts like: • “Do I really love him?” • “What if I’m lying to him?” • “What if I never truly loved him, and I’m just realizing it now?” • “What if I’m wasting my youth in the wrong relationship?” And now? These thoughts feel louder than anything else. I don’t feel love anymore — not clearly. Sometimes I even feel repulsed or irritated. I hate admitting that, because I feel like a horrible person. He hasn’t done anything wrong — in fact, he just wants me to be happy and close again. But I feel like I’ve lost all my feelings, my sexual desire, my clarity, and my connection. It feels like my chest is heavy all the time. Every day I obsess: “Am I in denial?” “Is this ROCD, or is it just the truth?” “Should I break up? Should I stay?” “Am I wasting both our lives by not ending it?” “Why can’t I feel anything? Why can’t I be normal again?” I feel so guilty because I’m not treating him with love anymore. Sometimes I’m rude, cold, distant — and it kills me, because that’s not the kind of partner I want to be. I’m scared I’m ruining him and myself. What makes it worse is that I remember how things used to be — how safe I felt, how excited I was, how much I wanted him. But now, those memories feel so distant, like they happened to someone else. I feel disconnected from who I used to be, from him, and from myself. I keep thinking, “You’re only 18, you should be enjoying life, not crying every day over this.” I feel like I’m wasting my youth, my joy, my energy — but at the same time, I can’t leave. Because a part of me still wants to be with him. A part of me wants to want him again. But right now, I just feel broken and terrified and unsure of who I even am anymore. I’ve tried to talk to people close to me, but most don’t understand. Some get angry or say I’m overthinking. Others say “maybe it’s just not meant to be.” But it doesn’t feel that simple. Because if I didn’t care… I wouldn’t be this afraid. If I didn’t love him at all… I wouldn’t be this devastated by the idea of losing him. But what do you do when you want to love, and you can’t feel it? When your brain is screaming “THIS ISN’T RIGHT!” and your heart is too quiet to answer? Please… if anyone has been through this — if anyone has healed or has advice — I need to hear it. I want to be a kind partner again. I want to feel safe and clear again. I want to stop this spiral that’s been eating me alive. What helped you? What did you do when it felt so real and so final? How did you get through the days when all you felt was guilt and doubt and dread? Thank you for reading this. Even writing it helps me breathe a little. Please, if you’ve felt this way before… tell me how you kept going. 💔

My ROCD comes in waves but I recently began hormonal birth control to help level out a genetic disorder I am dealing with. The harm OCD and relationship OCD has gotten so much worse the last few weeks since starting. My brain is constantly going between. Am I going to hurt someone? Am I depressed? To every other what if known to man. But the ROCD is what has been pissing me off. My relationship is a complete 180 from what I’ve ever experienced. I have only ever been with abusers. My ex husband was a narcissistic person and ruined me (likely why I have this ROCD in the first place) but anyway- my relationship is great. We’re best friends. We share the same values morals and wishes. We enjoy the same things. He can do his own thing and I can do mine. But when my ROCD hits, I disassociate and panic and go through what ifs about the relationship. We have also both been going through some stuff the past few months which has decreased the way we have sex but a ton (went from 2x a day to a couple times a week to now maybe 1x a week- and I fear it’s repeating the same pattern as with my ex…different situation- he was abusive and my current partner isn’t) but with these ROCD bouts I start wondering- is he too short? Do I find him attractive? Do I want to be with him? Should I leave? And now have convinced myself that since we’re in a normal healthy relationship (which can feel boring) that there must be something wrong and that I need to figure out what to do. I’m convinced that less sex and connection (exploring one another as we did when we started dating) means the relationship is doomed. I have never been in a healthy relationship and I know it takes work and showing up everyday. True love isn’t for the weak because it makes you have to work to keep it alive- especially when it’s “boring”. Idk what to do though. These thoughts and spirals are driving me mad. And no matter the situation, the spiral continues. I’m always anxious and thinking “what if” Any tips? I know one person in here said DO NOT leave my partner because it’ll only provide temporary relief and never solve the deeper issues I’m going through. I hate this feeling. I just want to enjoy my life.