Ellasmama

Date posted: 49w

Feeling like you actually want to/need to do it

All day today I keep getting this image popping into my head of myself slicing my dog with a knife and it keeps giving me this weird feeling that I want to/have to do it. Like it keeps popping into my head when I try to relax and ACTUALLY making me think I’ll act on it. Is this still ocd?? It feels like it would be satisfied if I did it. I hate this. I’m so scared. I had to do ERP with a knife today and it actually felt like I was holding myself back from just doing it. This is not possibly normal.

Ellasmama

Date posted: 49w

It’s almost a feeling like I must give into it. Please please help me.

N..

Date posted: 49w

I know how you feel exactly. I've struggled a lot with the urge feeling. Sometimes it would be there all day. But just know it's not a real urge it's anxiety being misinterpreted in the brain. Since going on lexapro the urge like feelings have decreased for me a lot.

Ellasmama

Date posted: 49w

@N.. Really? It’s so horrible. It’s through my chest and my head and arms…and I feel my heart banging in my face and chest. And then a flashing image in my head or a feeling I’ll do if. Plus I’m very numb. emotionally. I don’t feel anything most of the time when I think of the thoughts. It’s there ALL day!!! You got that right. Can I ask - did you ever get better??? Lexapro I’ve heard a lot of good things about

Speckles

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w

Are you on any meds? Can you just get out of your home and take a walk, so you are alone without your dog. I still believe this is all OCD. It's just really hot a hold on you. I've had urges like that and thought I must be going insane. Are you discussing everything with your therapist? I know it's so scary. I really feel for you. I'm sorry it's putting you thru this

Ellasmama

Date posted: 49w

@Speckles Thank you. I honestly am not. I started taking NAC supplements but I have heart issues so I’m a little scared of most SSRIS. If it would help I’m desperate though. I am having a really hard time believing this is all OCD. Why do I feel like I wouldn’t care? Or want to do it? I know that’s not possible. My Ella is my whole world. I have been discussing everything with my therapist but she tells me I need to stop seeking reassurance so…I don’t get a lot of info more than it’s normal for ocd. I have a bad compulsion of checking and when I think about a knife it genuinely feels like I would do it. I hate it. Even if I go for a walk without her it’s still there. How did you get rid of yours?

Speckles

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w

@Ellasmama I know.... it's difficult. I can't get rid of mine either it haunts me every day and to be honest it's been so bad I thought about taking myself out bc of it. So basically I'm suicidal, but I don't want to die. I want to live without these horrible images. So you see I'm where you are it's just my theme is sexual even tho there is nothing sexual about it to me. It's disgusting and disturbing. I think your OCD is telling you that you want to do it, but deep down you know you don't. It's giving you false information and really trying to screw with you. Maybe a SSRI would help. I know you have heart issues, but I know myself and I'm so desperate right now I'd do anything to make this all go away and be normal again. Sorry this is happening to you. Just know you aren't alone!! Can you pet your dog or do you feel that's a trigger? I know when I had an image of my cat with a knife thru him....I ignored him and felt so guilty like I couldn't love him anymore. It stinks... I'm tearing up thinking about it and how you must feel. Hold on....I believe this will get better for you. It's just a dark time right now, but won't be like that forever.

Ellasmama

Date posted: 49w

@Speckles Oh gosh I know that feeling. Im so sorry. I know that feeling all too well. I can’t look at her the same after what I’ve seen in my head bc I just keep seeing it and it’s killing me. I know it’s shallow, but she’s a frenchie and she’s SO pretty and she’s got this amazing, loving personality and it’s making me hurt to know I can’t see past the horror I’ve seen. I look at her and I see insides because that’s a lot of what I’ve seen in these horrid images. 🥹 It’s weird. Sometimes petting her is calming and brings back a little bit of my old feelings about her and so many good memories - I cried at a video of us on the beach a few years ago today and a commercial that reminded me of her being a baby because she loved staring at it. I feel you on the disturbing thoughts. So much. My brain is creating things I don’t even know where it came up with them. I can’t believe that false info can feel so real tbh. I also distinctly know the feeling of being suicidal but not. I am, but I’m not. I loved life. I just don’t love life this way especially looking at my best friend and feeling like I’ve lost her. I’m going to really look into the SSRI. I’m really considering it. If it stops this hell I don’t care if it kills me tbh.

Speckles

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w

@Ellasmama How are you today? I'm still really struggling. It's bad. I know just what you are going thru. I have no feelings anymore too. It's like I can't love anymore. I feel disabled. The house needs to be cleaned, but I can't do it. These images and feelings have me in a prison that I can't break free. I hope your day is better. Thinking of you ♥

Ellasmama

Date posted: 49w

@Speckles Thank you love. I am terrible, honestly. It changed into a sudden image and urge about a gun. And now I’m losing it again because it feels like I want it. I know I don’t. But I’m really trying - I just don’t want it to be at my dog’s expense. I have therapy tonight and I know the feeling too - I have entire house to clean and work to do but I can’t get anything done. I can’t talk about anything else. I’m terrified.

Speckles

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w

@Ellasmama I hear you. I haven't showered in a couple days. I'm a mess too. Good thing you have therapy tonight. I feel for you. I know it's so scary. Let me know how your therapy goes. I hope you can get some relief soon.

N..

Date posted: 49w

Oh for sure i got a lot better. It even caused me to become agoraphobic which lexapro has helped me completely recover from. I'm not even on a high dose. Im on the lowest dose, 5mg. Yet, i was able to get a lot of relief. Everyone's body is different. I know exactly what you mean, it felt to me as though i had to do something. However I'm a lot better. I've recovered from 2 themes completely and still work on my harm with a therapist. Don't lose hope. Treatment is out there. Definitely talk to a doctor. You're probably numb from constant anxiety or even depression, but I'm not a doctor yet (going to medical school soon) so it's honestly best to speak to a professional.

lu22

Date posted: 24w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Suffering a lot, need advice, have no therapy 🙁🙁

I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling

Aphid123

Date posted: 22w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

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