Tw suicide thought

I've been having issues with being so scared about death that my mind tells me that I should just kill myself to avoid the fear. The thing is, I love life. I don't want to die and I want to see it out to the end, but there have been times where I felt like I could just *do it* because my mind told me it was the calmer route (i.e., if im dead, I dont have to think about the fact that I will die). It really upsets me that these thoughts come into my head so much because I know they're not mine. Even knowing that they're not mine makes me uncomfortable because, if they aren't mine, why do I continue to think the same things?? Why do I keep telling myself that I should do it when I don't want to. It's so frustrating and scary I don't want to hurt myself (and I haven't for a very long time), but just knowing these thoughts are here is really worrying to me.

I’m not sure what this is, and this is probably not the best place for it, but I’m not sure where to search, I apologize I love my girlfriend but sometimes I feel like I don’t, like nothing is there, it’s just empty, i don’t understand my emotions, I don’t know why this happens, but when it does, I always end up crying or punishing myself for it, I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to find someone else or be alone, but I’m afraid that I’ll hurt her, or do something bad unintentionally, I don’t try to do any of these things purposefully, I was fearing that I’d lose feelings for her because I always did that with all of my ex partners, it always happens when I worry too much about it, i don’t want her to leave me, nor do I want to leave her, I just want to understand myself and understand why this is happening, why do I love her so much and want to stay, but something feels wrong? Something that makes me feel like I should leave, or I’m a bad person that’s leading her on, this pain is overwhelming, I hate dealing with this, I was praying this wouldn’t happen, I don’t want to leave her, I don’t know why my thoughts and everything are trying to pull her away, I just don’t understand myself I want to understand to keep this relationship

Me and my online boyfriend have been broken up for a week because our mental health wasn't going great and we need to focus on our health first. After countless of stress and overthinking of many doubts and waiting for him, I am having many many many unwanted thoughts of a past ex and I have many worries all at once. self harming (hitting my head) is usually what I do to punish or correct my mind for even thinking such thing like ex from 9th grade. But I feel like after hitting my head so much, it made it more worse? TikTok and other social stuff is not helping me rn after seeing "soul ties" of ex's, relationships or mercury retrograde and it worsens. It makes me anxiety more worse. I don't know what to do and I'm more terrified than ever. All I wanted to do is wait for my online bf and believe in the good possibilities and hopes between us especially hope that we would reconcile when we are ready. As you know I really love this online boy and would never cheat or hurt him. Idc if we are apart I will wait for him and still be there for him yk. But my thoughts are so messed up and it's bringing like a feeling or werid emotion :( like a rushy feeling of unwanted excitement I suppose. I'm literally stuck. I'm stuck with these thoughts and I don't know what to do.