Everything I’ve ever used to tell myself that there’s no intent, is now backfiring on me. Today it felt like my brain was fantasizing and enjoying the thoughts of murder I now have towards loved ones on a daily basis. What is the difference between HI and this?
I am battling with OCD it really hurts because this has changed me it made me a different person who is always having different scenarios playing in my head.i want to conquer this disorder 😭😭
Yes... it takes a lot of of you. I want to conquer this disorder too. You aren't alone! ♥
Are you afraid of it? Or you don't have that anxiety anymore
What is the difference between HI and this? What is HI?
@Speckles I don’t have a lot of anxiety to the thought is acting on them which scares me, which is why I still do checking compulsions. By HI I meant homicidal ideation
@Ellasmama Oh...ok. Ocd wants you to think you are going to act on them. You aren't! It's all making you think that. I'm sorry it's doing this to you. Can you try to distract yourself?
@Speckles I’m trying. The hardest part is that the feeling stays all day. It’s hard to just keep moving on and not question/check when it feels like I’m going to/want to do something awful. I keep getting this awful feeling that I’m freaked out by my dog being alive. It’s not something you want to be wrong about, you know?
@Ellasmama I know I have the same feeling with my themes too. I'm just trying to find other things to occupy my time, so I'm not dwelling on it. I know it's so hard.
@Speckles I’m so sorry. Does it come in waves for you too? Like I’ll be okay and be able to ignore it and then suddenly…here it is. I get almost dizzy and when I “check” the thoughts it feels like I want to do them. Is that similar? And if I can stop compulsively checking, will it stop?
@Ellasmama I feel the same... sometimes I get up and will feel really dizzy. I think it's affecting me physically too. Do you picture yourself doing it? Like when you say it feels like you want to do it. When you say you check... what do you mean
@Speckles I mentally bring on the thoughts/images to see what I feel about them, if that makes sense??? Like to see what the feelings that come with them are. Except now it’s totally backfiring on me because I’m getting things that I want to do these awful things. Yeah I get dizzying waves and sometimes it just feels like I want to/have to. Like I’m resisting something I actually want to do. Also, if I say something positive or against it, like I love my dog, it gives me this…weird wave feeling of doubt? Like I actually believe it’s real.
@Ellasmama You are doing ERP thru here... right? Feeling of doubt that you really don't love your dog? I know this is all so scary. I hate OCD. This is the worst disease.
@Speckles Yes exactly. Or these waves of feeling like I actually want to act on it and when i think “no, i want her alive” that same feeling of doubt that I don’t. It’s awful. You’re right it’s an awful disease.
@Ellasmama You know down in your heart you want her alive. Don't let OCD take that from you. I'm sorry you are going thru all of this. It's so unfair.
@Ellasmama I'm sorry you are going thru this with your precious dog. I had it before one time with my cat, but got over it a lot quicker than the other theme.
Earlier I had what felt like an urge but I’m not sure. I’ve had urges before but this felt different as the object was in front of me (not intentional btw) , I’ve been quite stressed lately and my OCD is latching on to that. I had an urge to harm and within that I had like 2/3 intrusive images that came to mind, I couldn’t rationalise with it, I felt “stuck” when I came out of it I felt scared immediately was trying to work out why I’d even think of doing that & was very upset. A while after I keep getting thoughts like “say your goodbyes it won’t be long until you act out” I cried to my boyfriend and told him everything. How do I know if this was intent vs intrusive urge?
It’s like my brain is doing everything in its power to convince myself and also justify an attraction to teenagers. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this person, but what if I don’t have a choice. How do I get these thoughts out of my head permanently. I feel like my life will never be the same if they don’t leave forever. I can’t tell what is a real desire and what OCD is trying to convince me is a real desire. I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I don’t think I do but how do I even tell anymore. This might not even be OCD at this point, I can’t separate my thoughts from OCD thoughts I think because I’ve had OCD for so long so it all just feels like me. Maybe it is me. TMI but I haven’t pleasured myself in like a week because my libido is so low now, I don’t want to do it with these thoughts.
I dont know whats going on. I dont know if its OCD anymore. I know it was in the beginning. Ive been through a lot of trauma and had one little scary thought of killing my sister 4 months ago that has blossomed into this giant idea of me being a serial killer and wanting to hurt everyone (I never had any social issues growing up but I have had some trauma). Recently I’ve been having urges to just give in. And my mental images have been horrible and I can’t stop checking if I like them or not. I think I’ve convinced myself I have. This morning I woke up a shaking mess with an urge to unalive my family and when my mom left for work I was alone with my sister and couldnt stop vomiting uncontrollably. I dont know if i’m upset because I cant hurt anyone and I want to, or if I’m scared and just want my old life back. I was an avid horror and gore lover and now I’m convinced I want to do the things I’ve seen in the movies. Someone please help. I’m ready to check into the psych ward.
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