I made a bad choice when I was a teenager. It is by my standards one of the worst things I’ve ever done. I hit my sibling when I was upset with her, she was a lot younger than me, and she is non-verbal. I shared a room with her and she kept getting out of bed and crying at the bedroom door because she wasn’t ready for bed. I had spent about 2 hours bringing her back to bed and tucking her in and at a certain point I just lost my cool. I had school in the morning and for whatever reason I felt I couldn’t ask my mom for help. (I can’t remember why) I hit her, yelled at her, called her a bad girl, and pushed her into bed. In hindsight it makes me feel fucking sick to my stomach that I would treat someone like her like that. I realize as an adult so much more I could’ve done and how I could’ve handled the situation better. I could’ve gotten up and got her a snack, maybe she was hungry. I could’ve gone downstairs and woke my mom up and told her I was getting stressed out. I could’ve left my room and had a shower to stop my frustration from bubbling. I just feel so rotten about this, and I need to say this somewhere. It’s been about 8 years since this has happened, I’ve told my mom and my boyfriend about how horrible I feel about this. They don’t really seem to get it. In every moment of her life besides this one incident I have been her best friend and I try to do as much as I possibly can to enrich her life so when I express this regret with my family they tell me “I’m sure she’s forgotten”, “look how much she loves you” etc. My boyfriend compares this instance to times he hit his sister as a kid. I just don’t find it the same and I don’t know how to move on from this, especially since I’ve been obsessing over this during my most recent meltdown.

When I was a child 7-10, I had this wonderful dog. I loved him so much. However sometimes, I would hit him out of either anger or because I liked the way he would lick my hand to say 'sorry'. At age 13, my OCD sparked up badly. I had no idea what it was, but I would bully him. Badly. He was never hurt, but he was agitated. Then I found some kittens and saved them just after turning 14. I let them stay in my room with me for a few weeks to help them. One very early morning, however, they raged me so bad that I began hitting them nonstop. They didn't cry, nor do run away. Hell, all of my pets were never ever scared of me. They loved me for some reason. For so long I've been doing my best to help animals and adore my pets, and I've sworn to never EVER hurt an animal again. I love them so much. I remember though I would never hit them so hard to make them cry out, because I've been inflicting the way I hit them onto my arms and thighs to see how bad it hurt, and gladly, it didn't really hurt. Stung a bit, at most, but doesn't make what I did anymore okay. Do I deserve my babies anymore? Do I deserve to even live? I feel so ashamed and I don't want to use my OCD as an excuse, nor say that maybe I was traumatised because of it because people have been through worse than me, so I don't want to compare. Any small comment will do, thank you for reading

This might be a bit disturbing but it’s been weighing on my mind. From all the posts I’ve made, I’ve talked about how I was influenced at a young age and saw things I shouldn’t have seen. A lot of it. I can’t remember much because it’s blurry and all muddy and in different timelines. Sometimes I genuinely don’t understand why I would do such a thing or how I could and I would constantly overanalyse things from the past. These things lead me to do things to myself out of trying to understand and curiosity and mimicking actions like kissing others in preschool. I made stupid mistakes I can’t take back and it weighs on me a lot. I don’t and can’t remember so much honestly but when I was at the age of 8, I inappropriately touched someone and it wasn’t out of harm but to understand why. What I did was wrong and the whole context of the situation is messed up but I knew to a certain degree it was wrong ( I spoke to this to my therapist who was very understanding and told me these things happen a lot when kids are young ) I remember at the time I felt guilt and realised I wanted to be a good person. I thought I was dammed for what I did and there was no coming back for me but I remember apologising to them and never doing it again. I had to keep this with me for so many years and it broke me a lot. I matured and realised my actions, spent time crying, thinking that maybe I shouldn’t be here, and was filled with a lot of shame and guilt with nobody to be there or know about this. I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared. I was scared to also be badly punished but eventually as time passed, the person passed away and nobody knew about the story. This year I began opening up and for the first time I opened up to people about this because I wasn’t doing good mentally and spent days—months ruminating, panicking, and thinking I was a monster for everything. I never thought I would but it was with people I trust who loved and accepted me. I told them the situation and how I felt. I told my therapist briefly and she told me we could continue this convo the next time and that I didn’t have to tell her everything but… It didn’t make sense to me. I felt like I needed to confess everything or else I was a fraud. I do definitely care about their justice ( justice overall ) for what happened to them regardless of them not being here and I’m beyond sorry that something like this happened to them because of my stupidity when I was younger. I try my best to be understanding and compassionate to myself but sometimes it’s all filled with hatred and shame and guilt but I’m trying. People say confessing makes things worst. I feel like this is something that needs to be confessed but Ive already admitted my actions, regrets and told others about this but yet it’s still there . I’m not an angel but I do know, these stupid past mistakes have made me more empathetic to people and not wanting things like this to happen to anyone. As I’ve grown I’ve realised how these things can distort your view of reality at a young age because now as I’m older, I understand so much more than my younger self would. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I did certain things and people at my age were probably more matured and smarter than me. A lot of things happen in different timelines but I’ve matured so much and I understand my mistakes and the impact. I feel safe to talk about this to my therapist or here but to my family and others.. I don’t know what to say. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes and feel like I need to confess everything. I didn’t want to ever talk about this to anyone because I didn’t want to make things worst for people. This happened so many years back and I just didn’t want to bring the past into the present. I know that I have no right to really suggest this because that person was a victim. I don’t know what I should do. Confess? Or let it be in the past? I mean my therapist and close friends know about this.

I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes I’ve made. I feel like I shouldn’t be here or there’s no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) I’ve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like “Thank God you’ve never done anything like that” But really my past mistakes are worst. It’s like I feel like I should disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. I’ve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesn’t erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and I’m filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I wake up think about my past things and I’m filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices don’t stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and it’s exhausting I don’t know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesn’t feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say “as long as it’s not —-“ or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.