Going away today with my boyfriend for our anniversary, PLEASE someone tell me how I can calm down my ROCD thoughts and not ruin the holiday? I JUST WANT TO FEEL LIKE I LOVE HIM ?

So me and my boyfriend are going on our first short trip together and as an avoidant person who tends to be very anxious about being seen in a relationship and being in a relationship in general, it could become a very triggering experience. I have had previous OCD themes but the last few years have been very latched to the topics HOCD and ROCD. I just know that spending so much time together could lead to intrusive thoughts about him and our relationship and result in micromanaging and being irritated. Anyone tips on how to enjoy this and not put too much pressure on myself ?

for a few days now I’ve been super anxious about my relationship. I’ve been anxious about it before but lately it’s been worse than normal. I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship, I love my boyfriend so much and he treats me so so well. The only thing is that I’ve been having scary thoughts that what if I’m lying to him and don’t actually love him? What if I don’t find him attractive? And like what if the only way to stop being anxious is to break up with him? I don’t want to leave him and I am so scared. I feel like I’m lying to him by not telling him what’s going on because he might think I’m actually going to leave him, which I’m really not going to. I have had anxiety since before we started dating and incestual and sexual ocd, then I got into a point where I started having religious ocd, and now I have ROCD on top of that I think. I’ve never been diagnosed but I’m going to therapy and figuring things out but I’m so scared. Idk what to do and I feel like if I talk to anyone they’re going to say I have to leave him.

Okay. This might be a little long. Basically I’m just wondering if this is really ROCD or if I officially lost feelings for my current boyfriend. BACKGROUND ABOUT ME: I assume this might help whoever reads this, and that may explain my situation. Long story short I have bad anxiety and OCD about intrusive thoughts. I figured out about my anxiety from a therapist after it started to get really bad when I was in middle school. However I figured out about my OCD this year. Before middle school I started to get anxiety from my dad. My parents divorced and he was an emotional abuser and very narcissistic. So since I was little I was always careful on what I did and said. And then another topic is that I had an ex bf who acted close to him. He was very insecure so he was controlling over me and was narcissistic and also emotionally abusive towards me. Always played the victim, etc. So he kind of traumatized me because we fought daily and just the way he treated me. My current bf is a green flag to me. We don’t fight, he is kind, understanding, funny. He checks all my boxes. Me and him were friends for about a year before we considered being together. 2 MONTHS AGO: this is when it started. It was a Sunday and me and him were going to an event at my school. It was for seniors because we were graduating the Sunday coming up. And we hung out the past 2 days and from what I remember things were like they were. Me and him were about to hit 8months the up coming Monday and I did understand that’s the time where the “honeymoon” phase becomes more.. I’ll say realistic? Anyway, we were close to leaving and something in my gut was off. Idk what it was. Idk if I was nervous for the event or something. But I just had a weird feeling. Again I have bad anxiety and OCD so I was scared about all the kids that were there. I don’t know. Anyway we left and when got to about 3 minutes away from our location my bf turns to me in the car and tells me how lucky he is to have me and how much he loves me. Then the thought “idk if I love you the same anymore” came in my head. And my gut feeling worsened. It was unnoticeable before but after he said that and I thought what I thought it got so much worse. Like it was sickening for me. I I love you back immediately but that thought.. I didn’t let it go. I couldn’t enjoy the night at all. I tried to act like everything was fine but inside I was suffering. Later that night he took me home. And I couldn’t get rid of that thought in my head. We FaceTimed a bit later like we did almost every night but I couldn’t be on the phone. Every time I looked at him I felt guilty and that thought kept coming back that I lost my love for him. So about 5-10 mins later I told him I was tired, said our goodnights and hung up. I cried. I didn’t like what I was feeling and I didn’t know what it meant. It was hard to fall asleep but once I did I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the thought about my bf. I got up to splash water in my face to cool me off because I was sweating. I got ready for school and I was crying I was confused, worried, I didn’t even know. I cried to my mom later and she didn’t know what to say or do. I cried all day at school and my gut feeling was horrible. I’ve never had it as bad as I did the first few days after this started. PRESENT(2months later): I already typed a lot so I don’t want to make entire book. But now, it’s like the gut feeling is there but tolerable. I still get the thoughts and the gut feeling does worsen a bit when my bf texts me and I see his face in photos and such. Or even think about him. My main concern is that we are supposed to go on a trip together next month and before this happened I was so excited to go with him. And now it’s like “what if I’m not better” “I don’t love him anymore to go with him.” Idk what to do. It’s like a chore for everything, when I text him, hanging out, calling him. Everything. Idk why to do. Idk if it’s because I was reck for the event or because of graduation and needed a reason for my nervousness? Idk. He didn’t do anything, he hasn’t done a single thing but be there for me. As much as I’ve been there for him. I don’t want to lose him. There is more to this story so if you want to ask go for it. I know this is hella long so. But I just want the help. Please let me know!!