Mental arousal? This is really about sex

Do our minds imagine someone to look more attractive than they actually are in real life? I get aroused when I get images of this one guy and it feels like I really want to have sex with him but at the same time I try to push it away. I feel like there’s a part of me that is curious and wanting to explore, but I have a boyfriend and I love him and I only want him.

So I get sexual images of this guy doing sexual things to me and the way he looks turns me on and my mind keeps on telling me that I want to have sex with him instead of my boyfriend. Whenever I try to think of my boyfriend in a sexual way, my mind has me think about the guy instead, and whenever I kiss or do anything sexual with my boyfriend, then I get aroused because I imagine it to be the guy instead of my boyfriend that I’m doing sexual things with. I’m just so confused and curious at the same time. I have a very high sex drive and I’m always aroused by thinking of this one guy. Could this mean that I don’t want my boyfriend and that I want him instead? If so, I don’t want that to be true. I don’t want to think of this guy sexually, but it just happens and it feels natural to me. Like I feel like I crave sex with this guy instead of my boyfriend.

In lack of better wording, Sometimes I really just feel like I don’t understand myself and I want to. So I can fix it. I’m looking in the mirror and I’m body dysmorphic, I want to see myself when I was younger and physically healthier but cant. I used to be on birthcontrol, and it made me gain 70lbs and I haven’t been able to feel the same about my body ever since then. Somehow since allowing my ex to semi control everything about our sexual relationship, I have developed a complexity of desired intimacy with myself constantly alone. Because I feel like I want to be in more control with how my sexual feelings affect me. I can’t get sexual gratification from my self sometimes even though, and then I turn to peopke. And then it turns to; I can’t be satisfied by anyone, and I haven’t had sex within a loving relationship for a long time. Because well I have been going through a lot recently. And most of the encounters sexually were in fact not in relationships, but I didn’t feel the satisfaction I was looking for and it just didn’t make sense. I have to have all the right emotions or else the moment gets ruined. If I don’t feel love for them, if I don’t think they are attractive, if I don’t like how they react to seeing my body, if I don’t like how they interact with me during the sexual encounters. And since this is so difficult I All together just don’t desire to have sex with anyone most times I feel mentally aroused. Speaking of just mentally aroused, it confuses me that my body will be physically aroused all the time and beg for satisfaction and it’s a cold burning sensation pleading for constant attention. I hate it. I can’t help but wonder why that exists when I haven’t been mentally aroused. But when it happens I can’t seem to satisfy it and neither can other people. And that somewhat altogether made a plethora of issues in my last relationship because my ex dealt with feelings of guilt and or resentment towards themselves for not being able to satisfy me.. and I would be crying from days on end recently in fact from trying MYSELF to release that feeling, but I’d try to the point my body grew sore. .. I hate it. Genuinely I feel disgusted and want to get help on how to stop this. It’s going to ruin the much healthier relationship I have now just gotten into down the line and I don’t think I can handle that. Not again.