I feel like a cheater, please help :(

@Kjohnson75 Thank you, I’m genuinely relieved it’s not just me. I looked everywhere to see if there were more people who experienced this and I couldn’t find much of anything. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing, it really helps me feel less alone 🫶🏻

@andrewt_ I really appreciate your reply, thank you sincerely. I wish I only had thoughts about my relationship and my partner. I hate how terrible OCD can make us feel. This morning has been so difficult. Thank you again for your support and patience and just your kindness 🤍🤍

@issphra 🫶🏻 It’s such a painful disorder, I’m sorry you are struggling with this. I hope your day gets better, as always I’m here if you need support 🙏🏼

@andrewt_ Thank you so very much :)) I’m always here too

@TexasOCD41 I don’t even know if these feelings are actual crushes. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about it, and we both agree that crushes are normal even in relationships. But I think, for me, it’s more of a hyperfixation from my ADHD—I get the same rush when I’m obsessed with a book, binge-watching a show, or even stuck on eating the same food for weeks. The feelings tend to fade after a while, but they come back whenever I interact with this person. Maybe it’s a crush, maybe it’s not. All I know is that I would never betray my boyfriend. I know seeking reassurance isn’t helpful, but I genuinely felt like I had no idea if this was normal or something I needed to be concerned about. I won’t keep searching for people who relate to this because I now understand that it’s not unusual. I really appreciate your response. Aside from the compulsion to confess, I think what fueled my urge to “admit” this was a conversation with my boyfriend. I asked if he ever daydreams or has thoughts about other people, and he said, “Yeah, but extremely rarely.” I know some people just aren’t daydreamers but hearing that made me panic and think, *Oh, this is definitely abnormal.* Confessing is my biggest compulsion, apart from ruminating, and I had actually been doing well with resisting it. I hadn’t confessed or overanalyzed my thoughts in weeks. I think adjusting to this medication and dealing with my increasing anxiety has made things really hard, and that’s probably why I relapsed into confessing everything to him. It got to the point where he was like, *Babe, you’re fine. We’ve talked about this. Calm down you’re only making my jealousy flare a bit.* Okay, I’m rambling now—but I really do appreciate your reply. I just struggle with figuring out what’s normal and what’s not. My therapist agrees that I’ve stopped trusting myself, and whatever feels normal to me just gets scrutinized by OCD. Half the time, I can’t even tell if something is OCD-related or not. Anyway, I know I’m still talking—oh my God, I’m sorry! But really, thank you so much. I truly appreciate your response 🫶🏻:)

@issphra 🫶🏻 - Honestly, normal is 100% relative. What is normal to you, might not be normal for him, and what is normal to him, might not be normal for me, and what is normal for me... well... I stopped trying to find people who share my " normal". lol, So try not to focus so much on what is normal or not. I think its a covert compulsion to seek shared experience because, when you find someone who shares your experience, you feel better, but if you find someone who's experience differs form you, it causes a spiral ( which is usually a good indicator that the experience you're trying to investigate in the first place is OCD) so just do you boo boo lol. Crush or not, its normal. i hyper-fixate on people sometimes. I even think about my ex boyfriends form time to time and even miss aspects of those relationships that were fun that i don't share with my husband. Does that mean I'm mentally cheating on my bf? nope, just means i had a life before him and enjoyed parts of it and those are good memories i reflect on. I also DEFINITELY think OCD will make you over-analyze yourself to the point of distraction. " is this OCD or is it normal" being the main aspect which can push you into a compulsive place. I think its best to just accept everything at face value. I tell people, " i am not OCD, i am a PERSON who HAS OCD, but its a small part of my life" Don't let OCD become your identity, its not worth that type of attention. Lastly, don't let OCD fool you into thinking everything that isn't rainbows and roses is OCD. Anxiety, worry, fear, discomfort, these things are normal and everyone experiences them, they aren't all linked to OCD although its very easy to assume that. Put OCD in a little box in my brain and lock it. Thats where it belongs.

@TexasOCD41 Hey, I know you’ve been checking in on me with my new med. I wanted to let you know I’m struggling a lot. I’m getting like 3+ panic attacks a day and they last hours. I can’t stop ruminating or crying. I’ve been on it for 11 days and this has been getting increasingly worse the last 5 days. My psychiatrist upped my Clonidine dose to see if it would help but I don’t think it did. I don’t want to keep taking the Xanax because I know it’s habit forming and when I do take it I basically only get relief for an hour and I’m panicking the whole day so it’s pointless. I’m not sure what to do. I’m having a panic attack right now actually, and I don’t know if the Effexor is causing this because I am a panicky person, I have panic disorder but I don’t think I ever felt this bad. Girl I don’t know what to do. I really want this med to work but I feel like I’m dying

@issphra 🫶🏻 I know how hard it is. I was living in a near permanent state of panic for about a month when i started my medication. TRY to hang in there and just take care of your body. The smallest things can help. Eat big meals ( pulls blood from your brain to your stomach) hot baths, lite exercise ( just a walk around the block) and POSTIVE mindfulness. Remind yourself it’s ok you’re going to get thru it, all these things build up. Do something with your hands, a coloring book lol I’m serious.

@TexasOCD41 I’m literally on the ground in a little puddle of my tears. I feel absolutely destroyed. When this calms down I’m going to go devour whatever I can find in the kitchen. I feel like I am dying. I am getting new worries and themes and ideas and fears thrown at me by the minute. I want to vomit from how overwhelmed and awful this feels. I’m holding on as much as I can but I feel like I need to be sedated. I need someone to knock me out oh my god I cannot for the life of me get a grip

@issphra 🫶🏻 I hate to admit it Buutt iv been exactly there. I remember a day, Saturday specifically where I woke up gripped by anxiety, i tried to tuff girl thru it but by noon I was just inconsolable. I was rocking on the edge of the bed whole body was one giant muscle spasm, my husband was terrified but just sat by me and let me cry and worry. I took a klonopin and half napped for 2 hours then it started over, i thought i might die, i called my mom, she made me MORE anxious so i ended up going for a walk with my husband desperate for a change of scenery. I used a journal to track my progress every day and it helped me to notice when i got that initial anxiety increase ( I did go to the er and they gave me the klonopin) and i used it every day for 3 months and honestly it was very easy to stop. I used 1-2mg max. Go ahead and use the Xanax, you’re mindful of it. Let it help you until the meds fill in the gaps.

@TexasOCD41 Hey girl, my psychiatrist has suggested stopping the Effexor since it’s been two weeks and I’m still struggling. I’m not sure what to do, I really wanted this one to work.

@issphra 🫶🏻 Ugh, what about cbd? Medical thc?

@TexasOCD41 It made my ocd worse whenever I have tried it. I’ve honestly been considering trying it again to see if it helps at all. I’m starting to lose hope here

@issphra 🫶🏻 - Don't lose hope, there is something out there for everyone, you just might need an offbrad of something. So let see, what about wellbutrin? don't bite my head off for saying this buuuttt have you been evaluated for bi-polar? it is not uncommon for SSRIs to cause reactions in people with bi-polar disorder and they are typically treated with antipsychiotics ( don't let the word scare you, i take an antipsychotic) There are first and second generation anti-psychiotics. have you tried any of those?

@issphra 🫶🏻 - You say Clonidine helps you, that is a cardiovascular drug, so that tells me you benefit from a sedating type of medication. what about Propranolol? its a stronger type of full body sedating medication with a similar mechanism of function to Clonidine. My cousin who has ADHD and is REALLY sensitive to medication takes it and it helps her a lot.

@issphra 🫶🏻 - and my last..... hypothesis, now im NOT saying that you don't have some extreme sensitivities to some medications, but i have a feeling you MIGHT be falling prey to an anticipatory response to some things based on your experience with others. What i mean is, you have reacted poorly to SO MANY medications, that you could be expecting anything else you try to behave in the same way, and BELIEVE me when i say you can 100% create a reaction. i did this with a medication i was on, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I would be curious to see if you were able to reset your mindfram when starting a new medication to be more receptive towards its success to see if that helps you.

@TexasOCD41 - Let me give you an example. I started sertraline after 5 months of putting it off because i had read some HORROR stories about people who were on it. But my condition got so bad it was either try or die basically. I started it, SUPER low dose (25mg) and i was fantastic for the first week, it was almost like my body was starving for the chemical regulation, but after one week, my symptoms came back so i figured that just meant time for a dose increase, so up to 50 and then back to bliss, another week of pure heaven, i thought i was cured.....but my obsession about medication side effects was still there and i indulged in a compulsion to get online and do some reddit searches ( BIG mistake) i came across a post of a woman who said sertraline had RUINED her bladder, gave her all sorts of urinary problems and when i tell you i immediately had to go pee...I'm not kidding.. so i got up to pee... but as soon as i went... i had to go again... and again..and again... and there it was, i was experiencing what she described, my bladder was ruined, i went online again ( bad idea #2) and found that my medication has a 2% chance of urinary retention.... so i was convinced i was that 2%... long story short, i delt with the CONSTANT 24/7 feeling of needing to pee for a month straight, i ended up going to the ER due to lack of sleep and being on the edge of a breakdown... stopped the medication convinced that was the cause...... and my symptoms started going away... and back came my OCD... so then it was a decision.. constant need to pee or OCD... it wasn't a choice.. by my NOCD therapist said give the meds 30 days... it was the worst 30 days of my life...... but i used my ERP and my tools and slowly but surely... the urinary problems started to go away and today they are totally gone. If you told me back then that those symptoms were 100% in my head.. id have slapped you, but today i have proof that i caused 100% of the bad reaction with my anxiety. NOW IM NOT saying you don't have sensitivities, I'm just wondering if SOME medicatons might work but your experiences are tampering with them.

@TexasOCD41 lol no worries you’re like 8th person to consider I may be bi-polar. My psychiatrist always asks me the basic “do you ever feel like you’re on top of the world and can go days without sleeping?” Questions whenever a medication has not worked for me. I’ve had a few ppl on here suggest the same thing but I’ve never had a manic episode to my knowledge. Lexapro made me a bit euphoric at night but nothing crazy. I haven’t tried any antipsychotics, but my psychiatrist was considering one last time we met. Also, Clonidine helps me because it slows my thoughts down SO much. I feel a bit dumb on it, but so so much better. I tried propranolol. I gave it 8 different tries, I had a bad panic attack 1.5 hours later every single time. I thought it was all in my head and probably a coincidence when I checked the time (bc everyone I knew told me it was so calming and wonderful so I thought I couldn’t possibly have a bad reaction to it) so I kept trying it. It wasn’t in my head, I somehow had a paradoxical reaction to it. That bummed me out a lot. Made me start to think I needed anti-calming medication for it to actually calm me. Btw idk if I mentioned this but Vyvanse and Adderall helped A TON but the come down would make my OCD spike and I’d have a lot of panic. I think my OCD might be very much linked to my ADHD. Another medication that helped was Amitriptyline but my psychiatrist saw it as a red flag that it was making me angry and impulsive. So essentially SSRIs have been not good for me, ADHD meds have worked, and a TCA also worked but bad side effects. This is the first SNRI I’ve tried and I like my OCD is on crack but woohoo to it being the only med I’ve made it past two weeks on. Also I see what you’re saying but I’m actually afraid of being dramatic and I’ve literally had to get two emergency surgeries in the last year bc I thought stuff was in my head and I didn’t want to say anything. I don’t let myself look up anyone’s experience unless I’m already experiencing side effects that concern me. Even then I keep quiet until I feel like I can’t anymore and half the time whatever I’m experiencing I can’t find someone who relates to it 😃 so I’m left feeling a bit cuckoo and like maybe it is in my head until I genuinely cannot handle it and then I tell my psych and she’s like yeah let’s stop that. I promise you I have so much hope when I first start a med, I also tried magnesium glycinate and it helps near my period But I want to try an anti psychotic now that you’ve mentioned it, I meet with my psychiatrist next week

@issphra 🫶🏻 There are 2 bi-polars. bp1 and bp2. Most people think of the one that’s more extreme but the other is more heavily defined by its depressive tendencies. I think antipsychotics would be the logical next step

@TexasOCD41 I’ll ask her about this. I really want to find something that works. But ugh so she thinks we should stop but I’m really conflicted about whether to stop Effexor. I’m worried that if I stop now, I might miss out on getting better if I just need to give it more time. Do you think I should stick with it longer?

@issphra 🫶🏻 I think 1-3 months should be tried. Ocd is stubborn and usually takes longer to respond. My doctor said 6-8 weeks before giving up on it. It took me 2 months but i started coming out of the fog after 6 weeks and one dose increase

@issphra 🫶🏻 Perhaps try halfing the dose. It’s not uncommon to try a fraction of a normal starting dose of your extra sensitive

@issphra 🫶🏻 Like the typical starting dose for my med is 25 mg but iv heard of ppl cutting it in half and starting with that and building up.

@TexasOCD41 That’s what we did for Sertraline but I’m not willing to ever give that one a try again, I don’t know what it threw off in my brain but it was one of the worst and quickest reactions I’ve had to a med. it was also on my red list for genesight metabolism thing. I spoke to my psychiatrist about staying on effexor and she advised against it because if I’m still doing worse than I did before taking it, she doesn’t have hope it will get better. She asked me to stop taking it and we’d look at more options next week. Thank you for your help and advice :))