But now I feel like I'm just spiraling. Intrusive thoughts and false memories escalating to the worst possible outcomes. I could barely eat for the rest of the day. Ugh I can't help but feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed forever. This is the worst feeling in the world.
On top of the fact that i literally cannot stop googling as a form of reassurance which as we all know by now only makes it worse. I feel like a failure and a disappointment and a deplorable person. I want to run away
I can relate to so much of what you said. Know that you’re not alone. Your’e on this Earth for a reason. OCD doesn’t define you.
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this is so true! and even though the rational part of me acknowledges this, the OCD so badly wants me to do it. it's kinda sad because i thought that id gotten the researching and googling under control— or at least improved after i deleted reddit and most of my other social media— but the past few days i have felt so fearful that the only thing that seems like a good idea is to continue searching and reading stories that only end up making me more fearful. and then i was just triggered out of nowhere this afternoon while (compulsively) scrolling through YouTube shorts that were literally harmless and entertaining videos. which then put a whole new scenario in my head and then my anxiety skyrocketed. it truly is a never ending story. It feels like OCD makes my brain 100 times more creative with the scenarios it can come up with. anyways, im going to keep trying. tomorrow, i will not give into the urge.
@literatureandpumpkinsx ughhh I can definitely relate to this feeling. googling and researching really has only made me feel worse. i do hope things get better though!❤️🩹
Hope your feeling better today! Your OCD doesn’t define you! Your on this Earth for a reason!
I had a really hard day yesterday. I had a memory come up, of a thought i had years ago, when my OCD was still fairly fresh. I remember that i was fantasizing, and i had a thought pop in of one of my obsessions, and for a second, i think i may have entertained it- maybe even enjoyed it. I talked about this with my first therapist and was able to move past it, but it has remained one of my stickiest and most horrible thoughts. Yesterday i tried to think through it again, and i definitely had an arousal feeling. I have this terrible fear that i could enjoy my obsessions if i just let go. I don’t want to be the kind of person who enjoys these things. I have a life and a family that i love so much, i’m just so deeply afraid of being irreparably evil. I feel like i’ve done something horrible, and that it’s only a matter of time before people find out. I don’t even necessarily know what the thing is that i’m supposed to have done. My brain offers a myriad of options, of course, but i’m usually able to talk myself through them- or when i’m not, have a family member talk me through them. I’m afraid i’m fooling them all. I just want to be a good person, but i feel like such an imposter. I want to be loved so desperately, but i feel like anyone who can find it in themself to love me must be evil too.
I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭
Please help I am having the worst spiral I have had in 5 years. I am doing so bad to the point I could not even sleep. I’m so scared, anxious and confused. I did ocd therapy for a long time and my therapist told me I was doing so well I needed to stop. Which I was until about 2-3 weeks ago it started back super bad. And now as of yesterday the intrusive thoughts feel more definitive. They are making me spiral, it literally feels like my brain is jumping from side to side. I love my boyfriend more than I knew was humanly possible. I haven’t lost my attraction to him, not that I know of… I don’t want to break up with him bc i love him, I think he’s hot, I want to marry him but I’m terrified that I am just lying and that the feelings never were true! I don’t know how to make it stop. I tried all night not to research and I had to give in. 😭 this is hell
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