- Date posted
- 4w
Js gotta get it off my chest
A year ago u started to have these debilitating sexual intrusive thoughts sometimes they’d even come in forms of demands and a thing I’d do slit is agree but then if get really sad bc in my heart it didn’t feel right that wasnt something I wanted I started to lose myself so terribly my entire identity was stripped away from me I had zero clue of who I’d been my life before wasnt great but it was mine yk so ofc I started to perform compulsions like avoidance and other things bc I was genuinely scared my future felt threatened I tried everything no matter how much I’d say no, tried to agree, tried accepting the thoughts in hopes of recovery they only became louder until there was no me just thoughts but I started playing volleyball and it was something that truly grounded me for the first time I felt like myself I was doing whatever I wanted despite my thoughts I was being defiant i even started to like a girl and I liked her so much because she was the first person I’ve ever liked while liking myself and I Always felt guilty because I thought I wasn’t doing enough to honor my past or I felt like I should be doing more because I felt better but I moved on anyway despite the guilt but a couple months ago I had a panic attack it was weeks of intrusive thoughts leading up to it and I started to feel immense guilt I felt like I was losing myself again like it Was time for me to pay penance and it sounds terrible to describe it that way but the way they were so loud so demanding I felt guilty because before all my intrusive thoughts came I wouldn’t have felt like this and I wouldn’t have not wanted whatever was in my thoughts to happen so then it got louder thoughts like “ if ur reacting this way to one thing why not another” “u should feel this way because u would’ve in the past” and I couldn’t say no because it was true in the past I would’ve wanted that right so the louder it got the more I agreed because I felt like i wasnt allowed to say no and there’d be this quiet when I agreed it wasnt peace but quiet and I felt like I should’ve been grateful and when I’d break from the agreeing it was too late I craved the quiet but not the thoughts and I couldn’t have one without the other so now I feel like I’m on the outside looking in on my own life and there’s nothing I can do abt it bc I was given the Opportunity to feel better and did nothing abt it
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