I can’t stop obsessing about potentially having seen illegal porn and forgetting about it, and I can’t stop obsessing about the google searches I made before I got medicated in regards to false memories about it. Please help. I’m so upset and scared and paranoid and alone
Dude my same theme. We got this brother. Do you have a therapist?
@Serio? Yeah I do, I’m on meds as well. It just makes me sad cause I didn’t have this problem before I was looking at old text messages from when I was 13 and saw an edgy joke someone made about illegal porn (none of it was sent obviously) but now I can’t stop obsessing over it and it’s really affecting my mental. It makes me really sad. How do you deal with this :( (I’m sorry that you have to deal with this too)
@Serio? It’s really upsetting to me too cause the jokes were made in an online community where adults would often joke about really gross and pedophilic things, and even talk sexually to the younger ppl, and I still feel terrible about it cause I didn’t know it was inappropriate to joke about that type of stuff since I was 14.
@jayblue The way I’ve been dealing with it is doing erp around my worst case scenario outcome in my head
@Serio? So for instance, I would watch YouTube videos about internet histories being monitored or people being arrested. And sit with the fears and other things coming up
@Serio? That seems so stressful omg. Every time I see those videos I get so upset. I read the comments and they make me feel TERRIBLE
@jayblue Completely fair and valid to feel that way. I still feel that way at times too. But I think that if you watch them for little chunks of time while not trying to solve this, you will realize that you can opt out of engaging and feel better
@Serio? I would bring this to your therapist at your next session as a suggestion! Baby steps at a time. I also have started to write the worst case scenario in my head and sit with that. It’s made my day to day better
I don't understand this. When I use to watch porn with my girlfriends it was pure analytical. So I don't understand this OCD at all. So if a guy had displayed porn videos to me it did nothing for me sexually because it's an Actor acting. We've seen real porn of real people we knew and it was 🥱. I don't get it. Sex is suppose to be private and intimate. Not some illegal, deceiving depictions of misuse and abuse. Beconing arouse from watching harm and/or violent acts is something I can not relate to. I understand well, sensual, but I also respect consent. When it's not that is register at zero. Those who have been groomed to these things as gratifying... hmm. 🤷🏽♀️
@Not2Day I don’t even understand what you’re trying to say not gonna lie. I never once was it said I got off or watched anything violent or illegal, or anything depicting abuse. When I was a kid, the people around me made jokes about gross topics like that. I was groomed into thinking jokes like this were okay, but nothing bad was ever shared. The fear is about potentially having seen something bad and not remembering it, because it is something I am extremely morally adverse to cause it’s disgusting, and thinking about it makes me feel ill. Your reply comes off as ignorant, rude, triggering, and generally just involves you making stuff up. Nowhere was being groomed into finding abusive stuff gratifying even mentioned, and this type of OCD fear isn’t even uncommon. It’s the same fear as people who are scared of having killed someone and not remembering.
@Jayblue I started off with I didn't understand your post. Followed by my closest experience trying to relate to shoe no judgement. And nothing is made up, i dont need you to believe anything that I say. Lol. That doesn't matter to me. But I was truly trying to understand you. Have a good night. Funny.
At the beginning of this year, I experienced false memories for the first time about watching bad stuff online, which I have never done in my life. I then turned to hours upon hours of googling and researching about it and reading articles about it. I'd sometimes google the same articles or topics multiple times a day. I then also remembered that I watched a clip once from Big Mouth (not knowing they were teens at the time). I became so afraid that I was being watched by the authorities or my ISP simply for doing research that I impulsively deleted my Google activity and became extremely paranoid that I was a bad person and a criminal, even though I'd never ever had these types of thoughts before. Then felt bad afterwards because I was like omg what if i am bad because what if it seems like I'm trying to hide a crime. I just really hate myself rn. I know we shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I'm more just pondering this, does this make me a bad person? Is there anyone else who has experienced something similar? Does this mean I still have OCD? or am I truly just only worried about how other people see me? Even while typing this, I'm asking myself, what does this all mean.
I’m worried about times when Child P*rn or suspicious porn videos have come up in the past. I tend to use Twitter for porn and it’s not the most moderated app out there but I was never looking for videos or pictures or anything related to that. Unfortunately stuff still has popped up and I’m just worried about if my reaction was perfect because I have intense POCD I want to say it’s nearly as severe as it can get so I just feel as if I remember times when something suspicious came up and I stayed for a moment to make sure I wasn’t attracted or maybe left and came back to be sure I was safe and didn’t like it and I’m afraid this counts as seeking out or engaging in illegal content that would get me in trouble. I’ve never once looked this stuff up and anyone who creates saves distributed or likes this stuff I believe deserves prison time for life but I’m just so worried that I didn’t react in the way I should’ve I’m 20 years old so I’m relatively young and I’m jus worried about what this means about me any one else deal with anything similar?
At 14 I once searched illegal stuff on an adult website. It was out of curiosity and I wanted to know there aren't such things, but it currently caused me have POCD and false memory OCD which makes me sick, because I feel like I remember in details that I searched that with ill intentions. Since then I remembered every single stuff I ever did, and now I remember when I was younger between 9-12 I might've watched l0li to self please. How can I cope?
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond
